InstaSpring {InstaFriday}

This week has flown.  And not just because we are trying to finish our "trading spaces" adventure.  I must say typing right now, in the "new office" while the kids sleep is amazing!!  More blog time for me, that doesn't take me away from my girls.  Amen to that!

I have missed the last few InstaFridays, I've posted pics but didn't link up.  I admit I felt that there was a chunk of my heart missing.  I love Instagram and I love link ups.  Hello, Life Rearranged, it's been too long friend!

Here is what I was doing this week besides, cleaning out closets, avoiding Sheriff Woody's evil eye, and living the "life" in general.  Enjoy!

Mac face.

Because in my new phone she can see herself.

This provides hours of entertainment.

B. Fiddlesticks is back!

For Easter anyway.

If you don't know B. Fiddle,

then read this

and this!

Peeps are my absolute favorite thing about Easter.

So what better way to celebrate

the highly under appreciated Peep

than by covering her in chocolate and sprinkles.

My kids loved them, plus they were super cute.

And easy!

This is a happy girl with her new Victoria Justice,

sparkly, eye lashed (yes this bear has lashes),

Build A Bear.

Have I mentioned my mom is the patron saint of Grandmas?

Thanks Grandma for this big smile.

Of course this girl could not be bothered

with a bear, or bunny, or Easter chick.

No this girl had to have Kermit.

Which is approximately the size of Mac, herself.

I like how they are holding hands.

BFFs for sure.

Don't judge me.

Birthday Toms.

Love them.

This pic isn't an Instagram.

Just a plain old cell pic.

This is also a pic of one of the best gifts I've ever gotten.

My Aunt Julie, who is always late, made this for me on my bday.

Well it got here on Tuesday.

Using Shutterfly, she took pics from my Facebook page,

and made a lovely photo book of pictures I have yet to print.

Even some Instagram pics that came out just fine!

This is a treasure to me folks.

Pictures of me and the hubbs, me and the kids,

me and my parents.

It's beautiful, and she went the extra mile

and told a story with the photos.

I love you Aunt Julie, thanks for the treasured memories!

How did your week look in pictures?

Any new Android users out there?

Welcome!

Linking up?

 

Linking up here, finally!

Let's be crafty friends: Covert Robin

A month or so ago, Rachael, from Imagine Gnats decided that she wanted to host a round robin gift exchange with us bloggers.  The catch was that the gifts had to be handmade.  I was all about it.  I can get crafty when I want to, and it sounded like soooo much fun.  So I was all in. 

Then a "informational" email came around about the value the gift should be, and what exactly hand made meant, and things like that.  Ok, I was still good.  I like challenges, and I like to make things for people.  Sweet.  I'm still in.

Then I got my "Covert Robin" name.  I was honored to get Tara from SewTara.  I say honored because as soon as I went to her blog, I knew I was in the presence of a true artist.  Her blog is amazing, and inspiring, and well, intimidating.  She is a REAL crafter, and does amazing things with needles and thread.  I'm a novice, a rookie, a fake, and then I had a little freak out.

How on earth would I create ANYTHING remotely crafty for such a person?  I didn't know where to start.  I tried and tried and brainstormed.  And zilch.

So I did what many of us do when we are un-inspired.  I got Pinspired.  That's right Pinterest.  I found do-able projects that would impress the most esteemed crafter.  At least that's what I told myself.

Here are my pinspirations:

Caroline Valade via pinmarklet from 
http://remodelthishouse.blogspot.com/2011/06/remodeling-t-shirts.html

Just another hang up
Buntingbagtutorial



Maria Lopez via pinmarklet from
makeit-loveit.com 



So this is where I started.  Easy and straight forward, and amazingly enough, I had most of the supplies that I needed.  Or in my case, I had enough to tweak these projects and make them my own.

Let me say, that I hate taking pictures of things that I make.  I am not a photographer, so keep in mind that this Instagram pic, doesn't really do my stuff justice.

I made the pin cushion with fabric scraps and left over stuffing.  It's a little lopsided now that I look at it, but when I made it I was so proud!  It's filled with the contents of a mini sewing kit and buttons, that I bought, which I guess is kind of cheating.  Oh, and I added a little fabric bow/flower bling. 

The bunting tote bag.  I liked the cosmetic bag, but zippers are way over my head at this time.  So I had this tote left over from a forgotten project last fall.  I again used scrap fabric for the triangles, and did my best to sew straight and clean.  I really liked the way it turned out.  It looks like a happy little tote don't ya think?

Finally, a tshirt scarf up cycle.  I had loads of my hubby's old ts just begging for attention.  It's long enough to be doubled like an infinity scarf.  I made a green one for me for St. Patty's and I love it.  So, I was hoping Tara liked it too.

So after all the intimidation, worry, and sweat over this Covert Robin project, I was happy to know she loved it.  I got Tara's email and had a big sigh of relief.  Because I was dealing with a serious crafter, who deserves some serious homemade swag.  Looks like I put just enough love and thought into it that she ignored some sewing missteps.  So glad you liked it Tara!!

Don't forget I got a gift too!  I'd love to share it as it is AWESOME, but I'll wait for Katie of There & Back to link up with the Covert Robin.  You can see a sneak peek here.


 Linking up with Imagine Gnats for COVERT ROBIN!!  

Mom Revelations

Ever have a mom revelation?  And Ah-Ha moment.  Where everything makes sense, even if it hurts your heart?  That happened last Saturday.

Under the circumstances, it's kind of funny.  But when I really thought about it, this revelation has made me sad and a little guilt ridden.  But when the truth hurts, it helps pave a way to righting a wrong.

I was at a birthday party for my BF's son.  He was turning two.  And this party was filled with all the usual suspects that have been gathering since her oldest turned one almost six years ago.  With this crowd I feel safe.  I feel like I can be myself.  I even feel loved.  So, I'm sure this had everything to do with my honesty.

The BF's sister in law was having a moment with her second born.  Baby girl is in that 6-9 month stage of separation anxiety.  So poor SIL was having one heck of a time with baby girl.  Every time SIL sat baby girl on the floor, or in a chair, or handed her off, baby girl would scream and cry big alligator tears.  The tears and the heartache were real.  So was the familiar look of frustration on SIL's face.

So I smiled my "this momma gets it" smile and said the only thing I knew I could say.  

I had one just like that.

She smiled back, a half smile half grimace, that only moms with demanding babies flash in those moments.  She asked me if it ever ends.  To which I replied it gets better.  Yet, there was something else I wanted to say.  Something I didn't even realize myself until that moment.  So I shared one of my biggest mommy revelations to date:

It gets better, but as she gets older, every whine and every cry, sends you back to this place right now.  And you are just as frustrated and sometimes more.

Then I shared this story, I'm going to share here.  I'm part embarrassed and part relieved.  Embarrassed because it shows that I'm still held captive by some of my PPD past.  Relieved that I'm finally able to recognize it and hopefully it will help me change.

I've finally realized why I lose my temper with Caitlin faster than with anyone or anything else in my life.  I can finally see that it has more to do with my past and not the present mothering I'm doing on a daily basis.  I'm still stuck in the fear and loathing that was PPD, but only when she whines and cries.

I've written about my journey with Caitlin before.  It was some of the darkest days.  To make it simple, I will say that Caitlin was a disgruntled baby.  Never satisfied, never content, and on some days it's possible she was unhappy.  So was I.  But that is an entirely different post for a different time.  I will say that we did not bond, as mother and child should.  Those first precious moments were overshadowed by boobs that just wouldn't work, a screaming hungry baby, and a new mom at the edge of her sanity and being.  It was ugly, friends, but at the time it was all I knew.

The winter of discontent for Caitlin has continued.  I don't think that she is an unhappy child.  But she is a child that can go from smiling to crying and whining in less than a 10 count.  And please, it's not a preschooler thing, it's not a girl thing, this is a Caitlin thing.  If you have a child like this then you will know.  You are most likely nodding your head now.

So I find that when things don't go her way, like pink leggings that didn't get laundered, or having to wear a size 11 shoe instead of a 10, I lose my *stuff*.  Like in less than a 5 count, I've yelled, screamed, and made a horrible mess out of virtually nothing.  She can push my buttons like no one else.  And it scares me, and it makes me feel guilty.  But finally on Saturday I figured out why.

For every hair that's out of place on her head, for every bow that's crooked, for every half hour spent on picking out an outfit on a given day, I'm reminded that every day has been a struggle with this girl.  That every waking moment for almost 5 years has reminded me that I am no longer in control of my life or anyone elses.  That some things cannot be fixed, or mended, or changed.  That my life is not my own. 

With every fit she throws, I throw one back.  Equally as charged, but somehow more loaded.  Because I'm the momma.  I'm the one who is supposed to be prepared for the challenges of why pink polka dots and orange stripe are not appropriate dress for school.  Why she cannot wear a size 4 anymore, because she needs a size 5.  I'm supposed to be stable and dependent and patient.  When it comes to Caitlin I am none of these things.

Realizing this has been a blessing and a curse.  A few weeks ago after a bad night in particular, my husband asked why I was so hard on her.  Why I lost my temper so quickly.  Why I just fly off the handle.  Why I answer her whines with a hard edge in my voice.  I could not answer any of those questions.  I admitted to knowing that I have high expectations for my little girl who can style outfits like Rachel Zoe, but has a hard time picking up her ponies.  My sweet child that can memorize a song after one episode of Shake It Up, but still can't recognize the word "on" by sight.  Unrealistic?  Of course they are, she is four.

Now I know why.  Now I know that every whine and every tear, transports me back to those foggy days.  Foggy days full of diaper changes, endless crying, and no napping.  Those middle of the night wake up calls that could not be relieved with a pacifier.  Those days of wondering how on earth I would get through that first year.  All the loathing.  The struggling.  The disappointment in motherhood.  I'm reminded of that every time.

I know this now.  With knowledge comes power.  Power to overcome feelings.  Power to make changes.  I don't want to be so hard on her.  I want to foster her determination and tenacity.  I want her to be this little creative person she is turning into.  I want to be able to lead her in the right direction without pressure.  I want to be patient and kind.  I want to teach her about the love between a mother and daughter.  I want to mend the trials of my mothering past, and set a better more patient standard for my mothering present.  Mind my temper.  Count to 10.  Breathe.

Please believe I love my child.  She is my heart.  She is my comrade in arms.  We are survivors.  We are a testament to unconditional love.  I fumbled and fell.  I've cried and screamed and all but given up, yet she loves me.  Like no one has loved me before.  Like only a child can.  And I love her more than my being.  Like only a mother can. 

Take me away {Tuesday10}

Tuesday 10
Link up friends!!

Today, Lena, from Mom 2 Memphis and Ruby is asking

what 10 things we would take with us on a deserted island. 

I'm a huge fan of Lost,

so right away it got me thinking about what I would really need,

and what I could do without. 

Here are my 10.

One

My BFF, because then she would bring 10 items

like her Nook and wifi. 

She would also bring indulgences like coffee and cigarettes. 

So yeah.  I'm all about it.

Two

Hurley.  Duh.

image via google images

Three

Katniss Everdeen.  Double Duh.

image via google images

She can hunt, so I'd be fed. 

She can weave grass into skirts, shelter, bowls. 

She know what plants are safe. 

She's a badass.  Don't lie. 

You want her on your island too.

Four

Wilson.  Triple Duh

image via google images

Who better to keep you company than loyal Wilson. 

You know you wish he was on your list now.

Five

Sawyer. 

Why are we even counting duh's?

image via google images

That island is gonna need some man candy. 

Man candy that can hunt, fight, swim,

and get scruffy in all the right ways. 

Your welcome.

Six - Ten

Enough food

Enough water

Enough wi-fi to update our Facebook status from

"Starving" to "Katniss rules. Thanks for Dinner".

A Starbucks. 

Because the world is incomplete without Baristas.

What are you taking?  No you can't have Katniss or my BF.  Sawyer?  Negotiable.



   

Trading Spaces + Hoarders = District 13 Toy Cemetary

I'll be brief friends.  Since I'm literally drowning in a sea of stuffed toys, bedding for beds I no longer own, and a remnants of a toy cemetery, which I now refer to as toy District 13 (for you Hunger Games fans).  This was a project that me and the hubbs put off for far too long, because we knew.  It would take over our lives, and take about a month to finish.

We are finally moving Caitlin into a bigger room.  She has been in the nursery/office sized room since birth.  Let me rephrase that, her earthly possessions have been living in that room, since birth, while she plays musical beds 4-5 nights a week.  Sound familiar?

Also we are moving her into a room that used to be a playroom.  Here is where the toy District 13 comes in.  We have toys everywhere.  Some that I received at Caitlin's baby shower.  I am such a hoarder.  She is too.  She cries and carries on as I clean out each plastic bin, bucket, or bag.  But I'm over it.  Entirely.  I feel like the family members of those people on hoarders.  How did we let this go so long?

Plus add to that all the baby stuff we still have.  Why am I keeping all this stuff?  Pack and play, crib, toddler bed (that no one is using!), bottles, clothes, and my arch enemy "the pump".  Why is this still here?  This uterus is closed!  Seriously, I want to tattoo "no vacancy" on my uterus.  We are done here.  So all that stuff is going too. 

The clothes are going to a good home, where a little girlie should be wearing them soon.  I'm happy that her and her momma and daddy will get some use out of frilly dresses that were worn ONE TIME!  And I'm calling AM Vets to pick up the crib and stuff.  I will admit looking at the preemie sized onesies that Mac wore tugged at my heart.  Made by uterus get warm and fuzzy.  Until both kids were screaming at the top of their lungs over a book, and my uterus went right back to being a frigid bitch. 

So if you are wondering, that is where I am, and were I will be until I'm done.  In the mean time, my posts maybe few, or I might just need a break to do something besides play Sophie's choice over which princess stay, and which ponies go. 

Don't even get me started on Sheriff Woody, who I swear is giving me the evil eye, every time I pop another toy into a garbage bag.  I swear these are going to a good home, Woody, I swear!!