No f**ks left to give...

 

source via Pinterest

  I'm sure I've already offended you.  Sorry, I'm not sorry.  Today I posted the following status on Facebook:       That said here is where I stand.  My mom was hospitalized for heat exhaustion, dehydration, and a sinus infection not once, but twice over the weekend.  One of those times I had to call an ambulance for her, the second time I was at Whole Foods and just made it home before my car died.  What's that you say?  Yes, I'll repeat that for you.  My.  Car.  Died.  Thankfully it was in the driveway of my own home.  Of course with all my keen organization skills I was able to find the spare keys to John's car in 45 minutes or less.  Because as I was home dropping off my whole foods haul, and he was at my mom's swimming, with his phone in the house while my mom was at the ER.  That was my Sunday people.   Yesterday, was a Monday to shame all other Mondays.  You see, my mom takes care of my kids in the afternoon.  So, I had to work it out with my MIL, so she could stay until 12, so I could work 5 hours and then rush home, to get lunch and Caitlin to a hair appointment for her dance recital rehearsal.  It was just stacking up to be that kind of day.  Also add in the fact that my mom is still feeling terrible, that I may or may not have to find alternative child care, and then add in the $240 it requires to attend a dance recital successfully.  Ok so it's not $240, but I had to write 3 different checks, swipe my card twice, and count quarters for pictures, hair, make up and late dues.  Again, a Monday to shame many previous Mondays.   That brings me to today.  I'm tired from my 4:30 am wake up call.  My roots are showing their age, which apparently is 85, and my kids once again ate McDonalds.  Add to that the pint of coconut milk ice cream I devoured at the counter while checking Instagram, the Jillian Michaels DVD calling me a fat ass from the entertainment center, and a house that looks like a tornado hit it.    You want to know what I did?   I laid my ass on the couch.  Shoes off, decorative pillows at the ready.  I turned on Big Bang Theory for my kids.  Yes, I sure did.  And I closed my eyes and tried in vain to take a nap.  It was a joke but I tried.  It was then that I realized I'm all out of F**KS to give.   Smashed cereal in the floor - zero F**ks to give.   Clean Laundry piled higher than me - zero0 F**ks to give.   Kids that need a bath - zero F**ks to give.   To do lists from last week - zero F**ks to give.   Birthday party invites to mail - zero F**ks to give.     Maybe tomorrow I'll find some to give.   But right now, I seriously doubt it.  

Schools out for SUMMER!

It's been a busy and crazy last few days, but with a huge sigh of relief, SCHOOL IS OUT! And here is the necessary recap to get you up to speed, and get me motivated to write more posts. It's over 100 degrees here folks, yesterday 109, so we'd all rather be in the pool, than in the house, with momma glued to the computer.  My apologies!

I thank my lucky stars for good friends and neighbors who take pictures of my gal when I can't.  This is Olympics day at school.  Tug of war like a boss.  She looks like she is having a blast and I'm glad, since the night before she was crying because I had to work.  Mommy problems, right?

Kindergarten completed.  Mommy heartbroken.  Ok, not really, but when those kiddos started singing sons they didn't even know at the beginning of the year, I lost myself for a minute.  They are all so big now, including my own.  Where on earth did the time go?  I know, everyone told me that it would go so fast, but still I didn't believe them... Now I do.

Add a hand print and a guilt inducing poem to completely devastate me on an already emotional day.  This shattered my heart a little, and took me back to how amazing it is that Caitlin and I made it.  Another year down, another year completed and we are both fine.  If you would have told me six years ago that everything would work out fine, that we'd both be ok, I wouldn't have believed it.  Proving again, that no matter how many mistakes you make as a mother, no matter how bad you think you are doing, you are not.  You are in fact doing it right.  Thank God, right?

Caitlin and her teacher Mrs. Nelson.  She started out as our teacher, but at the end of the year she is most definitely our friend.  Part of the family even.  We are both going to miss her terribly, but hopefully we will keep in touch.  And I'm really hoping Miss Mac gets her class in 2 years!!

You never realize how much your child has grown until you do the comparison.  How is it possible that I didn't see this?  I didn't even notice.  But here it is.  My baby is growing up.  Just like everyone said she would.  And while I welcome the milestone, the end of kindergarten and the entrance into first grade, I'm also a little bit heart broken.  I'm really not ready for this, but like with every step I have taken with this child, I will move forward.  A little bit stronger this time, a little bit more aware, and with the knowledge that Caitlin and I really can do anything.  

Hello {June}

Good-bye Kindergarten.
Hello First grade!

Hello June.  What a big month you are.  I'm trying to welcome you with open arms.  You see while you bring the end of the school year, swimming weather, and late nights outside, this year you are going to bring some major milestones.  
Hello First Grade.  We will be ready for you.  We are so excited to play on the big play ground.  We are excited to see our 2nd grade friends.  And we are excited to be considered a "big kid".
Hello Loose Tooth.  You took so long to get here.  But we are so happy that you brought your friends.  Three loose teeth to start.  Alert the tooth fairy.  She's gonna need to dip into her savings.
Hello Pierced Ears.  We are coming for you.  We are a little nervous, and Daddy needs a little more convincing.  But we know what we want, and we want earrings.  
Hello Six.  Six years old.  Six years of life.  Six years of motherhood.  Six years of challenges.  Six years of bliss.  A half dozen of perfectly imperfect blessings.  We are ready for you six.
Hello Big Girl.  Mommy is so proud of you.  You have grown up to be so brave, so independent, so smart.  Those early September mornings filled with tears are just a distant memory.  Your hand demanding to be held tightly, is only a slight clasp.  You long to run free and play with your friends.  You are growing up at warp speed, but it can't be helped.  I'd say to slow down, but you don't know the meaning.  
Hello June, a big month, filled with big plans, big dreams, and big milestones.  
You are a big deal.

This post was inspired by Hello Monday. For more Hello Monday, visit Lisa Leonard,  and link up your own.

The last day {Kindergarten}

Today, as you read this, is the last day of kindergarten.  I'm a mixed bag of emotions today.  On the one hand I'm so happy that school is out.  We are collectively exhausted.  And by we I mean the whole family, Grandmas included.  We are ready for late nights outside without the obligation of school, homework, or dance.  We are ready for mini vacations.  We are ready to be free.   On the other hand, we are growing up way too fast.   Caitlin and I, it would seem, hit milestones at the same time.  As an infant, each milestone brought on a new face and new obligation of motherhood.  As a toddler missed milestones were my missed milestones.  We suffered through those together.  And now, as we end one chapter, Kindergarten, we start another first grade.  We are growing up together.  But today, she is excited about starting first grade, and I'm mourning the end of an era.  

She brought home her name tag from her desk.
Of course I cried buckets and my heart hurt.
 

Yesterday we were invited to Caitlin's class to see what they had learned this year.  As soon as the class started to sing their first song, I lost it.  I cried as I looked at all those little faces, the ones that didn't even belong to me, and marveled at how they had grown, how the songs were just for fun now, and they didn't even realize how far they had come.  Their little voices told the stories of sight words learned, letters memorized, and a year of growing up.  There wasn't a dry eye in the place.  I feel like Mrs. Nelson's Kindergarten class was so much more than a class.  It turned into a little family.  I guess it would with me volunteering twice a week for close to six months.  I would have never believed that milestones of other children would reduce me to tears.  But they did.  I was so proud of all of those faces.   I'm going to miss kindergarten.  I'm going to miss the teachers, who are amazing, who love my child as much as I do.  I'm going to miss my little friends that I made as a parent volunteer.  Little ones that made my heart melt, that had me at Mrs. Crutchfield, who have grown into big kids before my eyes.  I'm going to miss being the room mom, watching 5 year olds get chocolate wasted, and making crafts out of flower pots and paint.  I'm going to miss the other moms, at pick up and drop off, and our discussions on how crazy our lives are.   And while I will miss all of those things about Kindergarten, I couldn't be more thankful for it.  You see, Kindergarten is something that Caitlin and I now have.  This school year was just for us.  It's been a long time since the two of us have had "something".  Caitlin has gotten used to sharing mommy, so this year was special.  It was also a time for me to devote time just to her, to focus on her, and to really get to know her again.  The Caitlin she is now. I seem to only remember her as my first born.  Some days I only remember the struggle.  I tend to only remember how hard motherhood can be.  Kindergarten, thankfully, showed me that life with my 5 year old isn't all that hard, it reminded me just how alike we are, and it reinforced that with a little effort we can really get along.  Our relationship has always been tough.  Mothering her has always been a challenge, but this year, I got a new view.  I clear view, and perhaps a fresh start.   Today, I will drop off a kindergartner, and pick up a first grader.     And I will cry.  I will treasure this year. And I will try to remember that last days are never the end, but always a new beginning.  

Just when I think I'm good...

Memorial Day weekend, we took a quick trip to see my Grandparents in Salinas.  Its a mere three hours from Fresno, but since Caitlin was born, it's been the most anxiety inducing trip of my life.  Caitlin was not a car baby.  In fact she screamed in her car seat for the entire car ride anywhere, save for the day we brought her home.  I'm dead serious.  Once I got stuck in the Starbucks drive thru with her screaming at the top of her 4 month old lungs, by the time I got my tea, I was crying and sweating and the barista took one look at the both of us and said it was on the house.  So yeah, even the slightest car rides make me crazy with worry.
But this trip was different.  Maybe it's because the kids are older.  Maybe it's because we have the DVD in the car, but we got through the trip with minimal whining and minimal crying.  Also minimal fighting on the part of the parents.  It was a miracle.  When I really thought about it I thought about how at ease I was.  I packed one bag for both girls.  No longer needing diapers and formula or pull ups and such.  We didn't need a pack and play or a deluxe stroller.  We didn't worry about missing pacifiers or not enough liners for bottles. The only hiccup was the potty chair and we just bought another one on the way.  I finally felt like this was the kind of trip all my other friends talk about.  The ones that are enjoyable, the ones where the kids are happy, the ones that make you want to travel more as a family.
So upon our return home, I was in a place of contentment.  I was happy that we had finally made it to that point.  Maybe we really could plan that trip to Disneyland.  Maybe we really could go to San Francisco.  It's possible, right?  We are finally at the sweet spot of parenting, right?
Yeah, well this happened.

This is Elizabeth.  My BFs darling, precious, baby girl.  A week old tomorrow!  And friends, I just melted.  It really was love at first sight.  She is so tiny, and fits so nicely in the crook of my arm, just like my own babies did at one time.  And it reminded me that those days are over.  No more babies roam the Crutchfield casa.  I find I'm really sad about that.  I think back to when Caitlin was a baby, and I remember all those times I told myself that the hard part would soon be over and it would get easier, and I'd be happier, and, and, and... Now that the day has come, the newborn smell is a distant memory, and there is no need to shop in the baby aisle.  I'm so sorry that I wished for milestones, wished for more sleep, wished for no more diapers and bottles.  I had no idea that I'd miss them so.
 Miss Elizabeth also made my heart ache.  Because, and I never thought I would say this but, I want another baby.  Yup.  I'm a mad woman.  But something about the smell of a newborn baby, makes my uterus ache.  I've caught an incurable illness, Baby Fever.
The reality is, I really can't have another baby.  I'm not quite sure my body could take it.  I'm a very sick pregnant person.  I'm finally at a point where I feel like I could be a good mother.  The one I have always wanted to be.  We are finally at a point where car trips aren't a total and complete disaster.  Where life isn't a complete and total disaster.   But still, there is that twinge of my ovary that says...
This isn't over.  Not by a long shot.
I guess you should never say never.