Our Back to School Breakfast {Not even a little Pinnable}

It is that time of year again. Summer is coming to a close and mothers everywhere are pinning ideas on how to send their children off to school the right way. Scrapbook paper apples and banners welcoming the new school year are filling my feeds on Facebook and Instagram. I got so inspired, I thought I'd write my own back to school post!

Here is what our Back to School Breakfast will look like:

6:35 am
I will have hit the snooze button no less than six times. Even with my "sounds" at full volume, my children will still be in a coma like slumber that will necessitate the use of force to wake them up.

6:46 am
I'm still in bed checking Facebook to see what kind of effort I'll have to make today, to make it appear that I give a few fucks about the first day of school. Let's see... Chalkboard sign? Nope. Apple shaped pancakes? Nope. A perfectly cut and hand crafted banner welcoming the school year? Hell Nope. Great. Maybe the kids will let me off easy with a trip to Starbucks on the way to school.

6:56 am
Realize that I've wasted too much time comparing myself to all the "Good Mothers" on Instagram and now have zero time to get myself ready. Aw. Look at that, I'm already back in my "back to school" routine.

7:00 am
Wake each child. Start by kissing them and saying sweet things like "Good Morning, Love" and "Wake up, Lovey". Then poke them a little. Then kiss them some more. Then try to turn them over so they can look at you. Finally contemplate prying their eyelids open with my fingers.

7:10 am
Physically pull each child out of bed, and help them zombie walk to the couch where the TV is on and Cartoon Network is blasting. Give them both cups of sweet tea because caffeine is a very important part of this back to school breakfast.

7:20 am
Realize that both children are refusing to wear the Back to School outfits that they picked out , themselves, two weeks ago. Argue with them about all the kids in the world that have to wear uniforms to school, try to convince them that they are "lucky", instead of telling them that they are spoiled rotten. They are now protesting the new clothes by sitting in their underwear. FML.

7:30 am
Ask them if they would like pancakes or waffles. Offer to cut them in fun shapes like apples or butterflies. Both children look at me like you are unrecognizable, because their mom doesn't cut out "shapes". Offer to add sprinkles. They wrinkle their noses. Finally ask what they want. One Chocolate Chip granola bar and one serving of Pringles, respectively. How am I going to Instagram this breakfast of Champions?

7:38 am
Beg them. Bribe them. Threaten them. If they don't get dressed in five minutes they will go to school in their panties. They whine and complain but put on previously mentioned Back to School outfits. Then spend the next four minutes doing six different hair styles on each one, because they are girls.

7:43 am
Neither child can find their new shoes specifically bought for this day. This is because they refused to listen to me when I said, "Do not wear/move/lose your new shoes before school starts". Rant and rave about how they never listen to you. Ever.

7:55 am
Shoes are on. Hair is done. Oh shit. Lunches.

8:05 am
Lunches packed. The day has been saved. Now run, rush, and hurry to get in the car to drive to school and meet the new teachers. Yell a little. Then yell a lot. Where the in the... Where are the back packs?

8:10 am
We made it. We are at school. We are on our way to meet the teachers.... And stop right there and smile. Mommy needs a picture so she can upload it to a photo editing app, so she can write what grade you are in and stuff, because who has time for chalkboard DIYs? Also dole out mini peanut butter cups in my purse (for emergency purposes) because there was no time for Starbucks and also there was some yelling. These peanut butter cups will wash away the guilt. My guilt anyway.

8:15 am
Warning bell. Kisses. Zero tears even though my baby is entering kindergarten TODAY. Because there is no time for tears. I'm rejoicing that my kids are at school, with clothes and shoes on, hair combed, and they have food to eat. Praise the Lord.

8:20 am
Wave as they walk into their new classrooms. Walk to my car in tears of relief, joy, and sadness. I made it (relief), they will be in school until three this afternoon (joy and elation), but my baby started kindergarten (sadness), and your first baby is in third grade (more tears). Resist the urge to write a very cliche post on Facebook, using the word bittersweet.

8:35 am
Sit in my favorite chair. Instagram the girls pictures that I have edited to show that today is the "First Day of School", adding their correct grades. Realize that they are both squinting in the sun, and not smiling. Make a mental note to take another one, but I know myself and will most likely forget. Catch up on some shows that use inappropriate language. Contemplate writing a blog post about how time movies so fast and back to school is hard. Decide it's better if I wait, because I will overuse the word bittersweet. Take a nap instead.

I can pretty much guarantee that this will be our first day of school. It's the same reason the leprechaun doesn't come for St. Patrick's Day and pee green in our toilet. It's why we never have fun crafts for Arbor Day or Flag Day. It's the reason that it's "National S'more day or National Doughnut day everywhere but here. Because life. Because chaos. Because I'm crazy enough without a Back to School Breakfast to prepare the night before, when not a single person in this house will fall asleep before midnight.

More Frozen BS

*** This post is not meant to be serious. It was written with the intent to make you laugh. Please do not proceed if you are offended by the "eff" word and other words like it. Also I use the word douche bag in this post. My apologies if I have already offended you***


I know that I've already written two posts about the Disney movie Frozen. It's no secret that we love all things Frozen in this house, including the message that it sends to little girls. Positive role models for kids are important no matter who you are, but me, I'm a women's libber at heart and so the idea that a girl forgoes the guy and saves her sister before she saves herself is more than just an act of empowerment. It's a friggen social movement.

The other day someone on my Facebook feed shared a video of a woman on some talk show ranting about Frozen. A woman. Her biggest complaint was that Frozen puts boys and men in a terrible light. It depicts them as stupid and inept and how can we as a culture "empower women" while "emasculating men"?

And with that I turned into a feminist riot-grrl. Ranting and raving and almost throwing my iPhone in a frenzy of: Are you effing kidding me? Does this woman even have a vagina? What kind of bullshit is this?

The Hubbs looked at me like I was crazy?

I'm sorry but has she not been participating in the world since I don't know, nineteen hundred and always**? **this is a John Stewart/Daily show joke

Then when I calmed down and thought about it, I was able to form a different opinion. Maybe it's not so rational, but we are talking about a cartoon here, and even if I may have taken said cartoon a little too seriously in the past, I'm going to lighten the mood here. Frozen does not emasculate men. Not for one minute. What is does do, is show little girls who will grow up into Empowered Women, what an asshole looks like.

Hear me out.

Prince Hans of the Southern Assholes seems like a real stand up guy. At their "meet cute" he saves Anna from what will sure be her drowning since I'm sure she never learned to swim locked up in that castle all those years. He doesn't even get mad that he then gets drenched when she leaves, and that Anna may or may not finish his sandwiches. I mean, he looks like a guy who really cares about his turkey and swiss foot long. He basically falls in love with Anna during a song where they do the robot which hasn't even been invented yet, and he wants to marry her on the spot. This is classic Disney: handsome stranger who knows nothing about you and your seedy past, falls in love with you at first sight and proposes marriage. This is why we (us gals) all grow up with the Cinderella complex, we just think that some handsome stranger is going to walk up to us in a bar and say, "Will you marry me?". At this point though, who cares, Anna has found her handsome prince, and has not a single care in the world. Which is wonderful considering Anna has no game in the love/relationship department after growing up in said locked castle. Thanks to Hans, she won't even need an match.com profile, which also hasn't been invented yet.

Prince Hans further promotes himself as "Suitor Number One" by promising to watch the kingdom while Anna has to find her sister, Elsa, who upon losing her temper has frozen the entire kingdom in an eternal winter. Which if I may point out is totally Anna's fault. So we leave Hans feeling good about Anna's decision. Wondering how the other dude, who we saw in the previews is going to fit into this situation. Because that other dude is on his way and somehow we know he is going to throw a wrench in this love story.

Enter Kristoff. Disney's blue collar man. Look, if ever there was a blue collar profession in the world of Disney, it's the Ice Man. Hard working with strong arms (no one will ever mention Prince Han's arms), he smells like the woods and reindeer and probably the Marlboro's that he smokes behind the Trading Post. He too seems like a stand up guy, since he agrees to the demands of a total stranger who claims to be a princess. She doesn't even show ID or anything and he just says, sure let me take you too the coldest fricking place in the land. No problem. He likes to joke with her and calls her crazy for getting engaged in twelve hours or less. He seems fun and adventurous, but hold on... He's an ice man and that Prince guy who is holding down the fort, er castle for you, he's the guy. He's a prince and so handsome and well obviously the better choice.

Until, as we all know, Prince Hans turns out to be a fucking douche bag.

Prince Hans is a gold digger, and as he begins to show his true colors, somewhat homicidal. He is a liar and a cheat and is perfectly happy with letting Anna die alone cold and heartbroken. What a dick.

This is not emasculating. This is shedding light on some men that really exist in the world. Perhaps I've never come in contact with any that have homicidal tendencies, but I've met plenty of assholes in my day. And if just once Disney movie would have said, "Listen up, this could happen to you!", I would have been all, "Oh shit, not all fairy tales have happy endings?". Maybe I wouldn't have planned my wedding against a Cinderella backdrop at age six. Maybe I would have said fuck it, I'll save myself, before worrying about a true loves kiss.

Can't we also argue that showing little girls everywhere that the Ice Man (Kristoff) is a solid choice is good for business too? Especially if it's love. That Ice Man loves that Princess,  yet I'm sure if her parents were still alive they would say Hell to the No, because he is just an ice man. So the fuck what? He's going to give Anna a good life, filled with love, cute kids, and lots of reindeer. Anna will probably move him into the castle, and she will be the bread winner and damn if that ain't good for empowering women too. And it's not emasculating Kristoff, it's bring his ass, and all our asses into the Millennial. Finally.

Bottom line Frozen is my favorite right now. I have daughters and they should know that the Prince isn't always right, the hard working Ice Man may very well be the man of your dreams, and for the love of GOD save your sister and yourself before you let some guy do your heavy lifting. Unless you want him to do your heavy lifting, then by all means girl, let him. It's your choice. It's always your choice.

I get that not everyone is going to love the empowerment that is going to be inspired by Frozen. Smart women are scary. Ask a smart woman, she will tell you. Someone is always going to have a problem with new. But I honestly think that Frozen will be one of those movies where in thirty years my grand kids are going to say, "Well duh, of course she saves her sister". Because the woman saving the day will be so common, we won't even question the ramifications of it.

Friday Funnies {Insta round up}

Lately because I haven't had a lot of time or motivation to write, I've been on Pinterest looking for things that make me laugh. Then I post them to Instagram because I feel like you need to see them too. So Happy Friday my friends. 

Harry Potter memes are always funny. And this makes my life now that "Dean" is on How to Get Away with Murder. Yeah, that's Dean y'all. So now when I do the recap with the bestie on Fridays, we both refer to him as Dean. He will always be Dean.

Thank you Time Hop. This was the best. My day was totally ILLLL after this popped up.

 Grammar jokes will always be funny. Always.

I told you. Side note and fun fact, the rest of this picture says, "The kind like Grammar used to make". I laughed. For a really long time.

I'm pretty sure this is how I look in a bikini. I can guarantee it's how I look in my underwear. Do you let your kids watch Clarence on Cartoon Network. I may be red flagging myself as a horrible parent with horrible television morals, but this kid is effing hilarious. We love Clarence over here. So when I saw this I just knew I had to post this. I totally saw myself.

I'm pretty sure this is a vagina. Like 99.9% positive that this is a vajay costume. It is an actual costume of "Cotton Candy" posted with a tutorial on Pinterest. I'm not going to link to it for a few reasons. One, this is someones kid. Two, this mom was probably super proud of this easy DIY Halloween Costume. Three, I don't want the person to know that I called this a vagina costume. But let's be honest. This kid is gonna grow up one day and realize that this was not Cotton Candy. This was a giant vagina, fully dialated and crowning. 

I'm telling you Harry Potter memes are my jam. The last one listed broke me. Absolutely broke me. 
 

I actually pinned this for a friend of mine who gets a lot of flack for being a fabulous person. If I'm being honest she is a hard working mama who is making the world a better place. So I pinned this shit for her because she is paying her bills and not a single eff is being given. Go girl. Get that shit.

Authentic Weather App has changed my life. This is from the Fresno State/Nebraska game and it was 100 degrees at kick off at seven in the evening. It was miserable and humid and there were so many sweaty people it was sick. Then I pulled up the weather. Amazing.

My kid's got some comedic timing let me tell you.

This is the card my father bought my mother for their 40th wedding anniversary. Never fails every year he gets her a kick ass card. And she always forgets to get him a card. 

Hey, if you want follow me on Pinterest. I promise you will love my LMAO board. 

Ten things you'd hate about me

On the eve of Elevate, I thought it would be good to share a little about me.  Some of the people I will meet tomorrow will have never heard of me.  This is a good introduction when they decide to look me up via my business cards.  Plus, it first appeared on Nay's blog and I had nothing for today.  I was way to excited about the people I will meet tomorrow and the stories I will hear.  Just promise that you will love these things about me, even if you hate them too.

Don't hate, I just had my hair done when I took this picture.
I promise it doesn't look like this all the time.

Ten Things You'd Hate About Me
1. I'm an only child. And I've been spoiled to a fault. I'm so used to being the center of the universe that some days it's still hard for me to realize that I'm really not anymore. I'm a work in progress.
2. I don't drink coffee. Or any caffeine really. I've got adrenal fatigue and so caffeine is a no-no for me on most days. I do cheat occasionally. But most people think this fact about me is coo-coo bananas.
3. I'm a size four, but I still think I'm fat. I know, it's awful, you don't have to tell me. But in my defense, when you get used to a certain size and now you are a new size your heart kind of breaks a little. I'm learning to accept this new me, but it's been harder than I've admitted here on the blog.
4. I've done nothing to change number 3. I know. I should be exercising if I'm really unhappy with my size. But I really enjoy sitting on my ass and watching the Mindy Project or Scandal. I could be apologetic about this fact, but that would be a lie.
5. My favorite book is Love Story. My mother absolutely despises the book because of the cheesy movie made in the seventies, but the book captivated me! I wanted to go to an Ivy League school and date a hockey player/old money man like Oliver Barrett. I just didn't want to end up like Jenny Cavilleri if you know what I mean. But I adore this book for all the sap, descriptions of Ivy League schools in the fall, and poetry read at wedding ceremonies. I love every single piece of cheese it holds.
6. The flip side of that is, I cannot for the life of me enjoy Pride and Prejudice. I get it, I call myself a bibliophile, and yet I just can't with this book. This one I'm actually sorry about.
7. I am known for my selfies without make-up. What can I say, Instagram filters really make me look good. In my youth I would have never left the house with out make up and clean hair. As I've aged I've figured those things are luxuries on most days. So don't hate me because I know how to filter to my advantage. It's a finely cultivated skill...
8. I don't eat wheat, gluten, or grains of any kind. Yes, I'm that person. So I'm the worst to go out to dinner with. I always get to pick the restaurant, and I always special order. In my defense, I'm allergic to every grain that grows. As my BF says, I'm allergic to air.
9. I'm a Brazilian waxer. Even though I hate it. I still do it. I have my reasons.
10. I have nothing but love and affection for the "eff" word. I mean, it's really the ultimate word. It expresses so much in just four letters. You will probably see it from time to time here.Listen, I've got small kids, so my use of this word has taken a back seat in recent years. However, I've been known to use it as a comma, an adjective, and a verb. Sometimes in the same sentence. I really do try to sprinkle them in...
So that's me. I'm sure there are a hundred things you hate about me, but writing that would just be another thing to hate about me. What are some things I'd hate about you? Leave them for me in the comments. I can't be the only annoying one in the blog world.  

Mother's Day {Friday Funnies}

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It's almost Mother's Day, and I'm not here to pat myself on the back.  I'm here to share some of the funny things I've discovered about motherhood.  Motherhood is a crap shoot.  Some days it's all rosy and sweet smelling, and sometimes it stinks.  I'm sure you know what I'm talking about.  We've all been there.  So in honor of a holiday for moms that's not really a holiday for moms, here is something to make you laugh about the hardest job you ever had.  The only job that makes you pull out your hair.  The only job that makes you want to run away, yet when you are alone for 5 minutes you immediately miss your children.   

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 I wrote a post in the very beginning titled Take this job and shove it.  I pose the question, that if you saw the job description for motherhood on Craig's list, would you even apply?  Because come on, it's a really tough gig and it pays in love.  Which is great, but love rarely buys you the box of wine that is sometimes required to get through the day.  Also I'd like to have this printed on a shirt, because I do get the question, "so what do you do?".  And some days I really want to say, bitch I do EVERYTHING!  

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You don't realize that when you pack you bag for the hospital, you are also packing your bags for a guilt trip.    From the moment you push that child from your loins you are on the guilt cruise of your life.  Sure there are cocktails and sometimes chocolate, but it's a never ending trip of guilt.  You want to take a shower?  The baby might need to nurse, guilt trip.  You want to take a few hours away with your girlfriends for drinks? What if the baby needs you?  Guilt trip.  You have to return to work, only to miss some milestones of your beautiful infant babe?  Guilt trip.  It really is the vacation that never ends.  Even when you think you are beyond soul crushing guilt, your child will come home and say, "but so and so's mom was there".  And that's when you check another bag for your guilt trip.  

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I feel like this is misleading as it should say a mother's mind.  This is what it's like to be a mother.  There are not enough hours in the day to complete all the tasks at hand.  Sure it starts out really simple, round the clock feedings, diaper changes, and naps.  But then people expect you to get all productive and stuff.  What's up with that?  Like they expect you to do things like get dressed and wash your hair.  Also they expect you to wear things other than yoga pants.  It only gets better from there.  Then you are expected to take your kid to preschool at an ungodly hour, and look like a real person.  Because there will be other moms there with two times the kids you have, who have on make-up and freshly ironed capri pants (seriously, true story).  There are a never ending amount of tabs to be opened on any given day.  It's truly what motherhood is all about. 

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Moms, this is what it's like when you have a toddler.  I'm sure you are laughing but I'm dead serious.  Your darling baby goes from sweet and cuddly, to mildly (or strongly) annoying over night.  And since they are proud of the new found independence they have, they want to do everything their self.  And by everything, I mean everything that you could do infinity times faster.  Putting on the shoes of a toddler that wants to do it their self takes a millennial.  And when you try to help, they scream at you.  Of course they do, because their way is better, right?  So this mother's day, keep this little picture in your heart as you watch your toddler feed themselves with a fork, when you know a spoon would be more appropriate, and enjoy watching them dirty their fourth shirt of the day.  

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Every day, I decide that I'm not going to clean my house, because my kids are home and they will just destroy it anyway.  This is not the science that works for my husband but it works for me.  I spent a year stressing over the mess, only to conclude that the only appropriate time to clean is at night when the kids are sleeping.  And even then I have major reservations about it since, they will be up and have destroyed the house again in less than 12 hours.  As you can tell, I set my standards pretty high.  Next time someone comes over and it looks like you are operating a day care center out of your house, just tell them that you like to clean at night when the kids are asleep as not to interfere with their imagination.  You can't bring yourself to interfere with the childhood memories that they are making.  Who would challenge such an excellent mother?  Your welcome.

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Never has an ecard described motherhood better.  This is what the first 3 years of motherhood looked like for me.  And you know what?  There is nothing wrong with that.  Motherhood is insane.  It's the only thing women gladly sign up for.  It's embraced fully.  It's competitive.  And it's the only job that no matter how shitty the day, no matter how terrible the tantrums (mine and the kids), we moms still work every day to better ourselves.  We strive to be better mothers with puke on our shirts, and poop on our hands.  We plot and plan our next moves.  We pin a thousand pins for one birthday party, for one teacher appreciation gift, for one Elf on the Shelf Christmas.  We throw our selves into the fire.  We forgo the last piece of anything.  We even eat our meals standing up if thats what it takes.  
So what's the big deal if we have it all and give our all while staying into our pajamas all day.
Why would we bother getting out of our pajamas?   That would just make more laundry for us to do.
    Have a happy Mother's Day, and if someone offers their help, TAKE IT. If someone offers do the cooking accept. And if some one offers you a drink, tell them to make it a double.

Comic Relief {Friday Funnies}

  After the week I've had, I thought I should lighten the mood.   I need all the laughs I can get.   So here are some of my favorites from my Pinterest boards.   Happy funny Friday.    

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Is it weird that I want this framed and in my living room?    

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I seriously need this on a t-shirt.    

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They call him "Aristocat" and he is fabulous.    

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I wish I would have used this line a time or two.  I really do love Lucy.    

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I can't stop laughing at this.  Do you think there is a sippy cup of milk waiting for him?    

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I feel like this when I'm typing at work too.    

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I'm only including this one because I literally laughed for 10 minutes. Ten minutes. Can I get an Amen?    

Friday Funnies {My Funny Valentine}

  It's been awhile since I've posted some Friday Funnies. And since it's almost the day for love and devotion, I thought it best to celebrate with some funny valentines. My hope is that these bring a smile to your face. And if you are at work, I hope you spit out your coffee! Also this is rated R for language and suggestive situations. You've been warned!   

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 Who wants to toast?  

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Poems are hard....  

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I think y'all are Hotsky! These oppressive Valentines are the best!  

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I feel this is a completely appropriate Valentine for your husband...  

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Epic love note. One day this gals gonna be eating friend chicken with her cats!  

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I feel this way about the Hubbs. Daily.   It's my hope that this post has inspired your inner romantic. Who I'm hoping has a sense of humor!     PS:  Tuesday was Buddy Picture day at Caitlin's school. Of course she wanted her picture with William.  I sent her to school with the money.  When John came home on Tuesday night, he asked Caitlin how her day was.  She told her dad it was buddy picture day.  He asked her if she took a buddy picture.  Her response: "Yes, with William.  I paid".  To which I responded:  "Sounds about right, get used to it".  Lets just say I got the death ray eyes from the Hubbs.  It was fine, I was too busy laughing at my own joke.

Friday Funnies {Christmas Edition}

  I feel like this post needs a disclaimer. Here it is. This post is all about Christmas, but the Santa/Rudolph/ Elf on the Shelf Christmas. Not baby Jesus in the manger Christmas. So please, if you are not in the mood to make fun of some fat ass who supposedly enters my home via my chimney, then please look away. If you are in the mood for some laughs about the only holiday that makes you feel like a slacker even though you just baked 6 dozen sugar cookies that look like melted snowmen, sewed all your own stockings, and moved your elf 14 times since the first of December... This is the post for you.   Also there will be curse words. Including the f-bomb. You've been warned...     That's right Clark. Keep selling me Old Navy sweaters I don't need!

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  He sees you when you're sleeping, He stalks you on Facebook too.

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  Yeah, this is how I bake too.

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  If you don't know the ecstacy that is Schweddy Balls, click here.

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    Speaking of SNL... Step One: cut a hole in the box..

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Grumpy Cat makes the season bright.

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Why should the tree have all the fun?

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This is me every year.
 

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    I hope this post finds you merry and bright on a Friday morning. Keep moving those elves, keep baking those cookies, and for the love of Rudolph, enjoy these last few days before Christmas!