Mornings are Hard

 **Note: I wrote this post last Thursday. I had a goal of writing every day this month, whether I published it or not, and I got as far as Thursday. But this is a new week, and I'm back on the wagon, and I'm hoping that by writing every day it will get me into a better practice as a writer and a blogger. So hang in there. There may be a few posts like this one. 

Just some thoughts on a random day.

 

Mornings are hard. Some days I think that even if I got up at four a.m., we would still be running late. We are always running late. Unless I do something smart like prep lunches the night before, or not shower. Showering seems to derail everything.

This morning was a series of follies. Today is picture day, and while I was sure to get the packet filled out, the envelope in the right backpack, and a check in said envelope, I sure wasn’t prepared for how long it would take to get a seven year old ready for pictures. And of course I had to shower. I actually had a moment where I thought about letting it go one more day, but my hair. My hair could lie no longer. My hair is always a dead giveaway.

I thought I was smart about picture day. We picked out our outfit, hair bow, shoes and jewelry last night. We talked about the kind of hairstyle we wanted. Bear ears? No. Half up half down? Maybe. Headband? No. We talked about getting up a little earlier so we would have more time. We talked about being helpful and not losing our tempers and what not, as the morning would be hectic. Then we went to bed. Correction, the kids went to bed and I stayed up and wrote, talked to the Hubbs, and read articles on Huffington Post that I hate because I should have written them myself. Am I the only writer who does that?

Of course I overslept my alarm. Of course I had to shave my legs because it had been almost a week and depending on the weather today, I may have to wear capris. And also my arm pits. I think that the reason we don’t have world peace and Pinterestly perfect homes is because we ladies are too busy shaving our arm pits. And legs too if we are honest. My point is, Mommy had already blew the schedule. But my daughter persevered and was dressed and ready for hair on time. Hair took longer than expected, because she has a lot of it. Add in Miss Mac who always wants just five more minutes to sleep and we are looking at a ten to fifteen minute time delay. Then the necklace we originally picked just wouldn’t do, and there were lunches and snacks to pack, and OMG where is that sweater, that other hair bow. Then I hear Caitlin crying because as she was trying to get something in her closet she punched herself in the face. Ugh. I know what that's like and it’s a mixture of pissed because you punched yourself in the face and ouch because it really effing hurts. And we were so close to a tear free morning.

With tears dried and shoes on, we were just about to get our back packs and the little one yells, I HAVE TO POOP!!!  Which means that I’m going to have to drop everything to wipe.  One day, one day very soon, everyone in this house will wipe their own ass. I can see that light. I was sad to see bottles and pacifiers go. I was sad to see onesies go, and even footed pajamas. But diapers and ass wiping?… Good bye, good riddance, it’s been real.

I can tell you that everyone was at school on time. With minutes to spare. Our hair was perfect for picture day. Butts were wiped in record time. Everyone had the snack of their choice, drink of their choice, back packs ready to go. Everyone went to school with a smile, maybe a wobbly smile, but a smile.

I spent the remainder of my morning in Trader Joe’s, then enjoyed my breakfast, which was hot and uninterrupted. Then I took to the keyboard to write a little. It made me feel better and whole, and like not all mornings are the follies we think they are.

Life Lately {Happy New Year}

New Year's Eve was spent in the comfort of my living room, in the comfort of my favorite leggings, playing card games with my neighbors while our children played at a very high volume.  There was food, there was fun, and there was sparkling cider for everyone.  I'd say that it was a quiet night, but that's impossible when you have seven adults and seven children under the same roof on the most exciting night of the year.  And even though I wasn't drunk like the new years eves of my past, it was till exciting.  It was the first time both my kids stayed up, which was a blessing and a curse, since kids under six don't do well with a two am bedtime.  It was the best way to end a wonderful year that was so full of life and love and people.  Because it was the people, many of them who were in my living room who made 2013 what it was.  

New Year's Day was a day spent with family, some from out of town and some in town.  It was the best way to start a new year.  More people, more life, and more love to share.  Sure we were tired, hungover with lack of sleep and too much food, but it didn't matter much.  We had more food and less drink, and for Mackenzie a little more sleep.  It was all in all a great day.  Just the kind you want to start 2014.

Like many of the bloggers out there I picked a word for 2014, it's a good one, but today I felt like I needed more words.  I feel like one word, to guide my entire year is really very limiting. I'm a writer, I live and breathe by words.  They make my world go round.  I'm not ready to share my word or words just yet.  I'm still working on soaking them all in.  I'm writing about them to really find out how they will guide me and sustain me in 2014.  There are big changes ahead for me, but I don't necessarily want to change who I am.  So how can my words for 2014 help guide me through change, but not change me at my core?  I'm working to find that out.

It's true that I made resolutions and declarations for 2014, but those are really ideas and guidance. Everyone needs a road map.  The New Year can be so exciting, because we think it's the only time we can start fresh.  The only time of the year that we can make changes big and small.  I find that I believe that too.  This year I hope to remember that every day is a new chance at a fresh start.  Some days I may need one, other days I may not, but fresh starts will be there for the taking.  

I've spent the last few days in thought as I put away Christmas decorations and throw out empty boxes and tissue paper.  How do I want to spend this year?  It really feels like the end of an era for me.  I'll be resigning from my part time seasonal job to start a new part time job.  I'll now be considered a part time working mom, whatever that really means.  For the first time since having my girls I will really have to decline invitations, I will most likely miss things that happen during working hours, and I know for a fact that since I will be working some nights I will miss a few bedtimes.  That is all new for me. That fresh start, clean slate feeling has been amplified.  I'm nervous, but I'm excited.  And even though I know that missing good night kisses for the first time will reduce me to tears, I will also have the confidence as a mother that I didn't always have.  I'm sure I will still struggle with some guilt, but it won't be debilitating.  And any worries I have, will most likely disappear with a new routine, a new life style and a new way of "momming".  Like I said, big changes ahead.

Last night I went to bed in sweats that are older than Mackenzie.  Isn't that crazy?  Clothes that are older than my baby.  It made me wonder how I got here.  Did I even realize that with every day that passed, every month we survived, every year on the books, that I was growing?  Did I even stop to notice for one moment that we built this?  The Hubbs and I.  This family, this life.  My first Christmas as a mom was so hard, I remember being a zombie, not really enjoying the moments.  I remember Mac's first Christmas being full and chaotic, but being just as tired.  And while Christmas with kids will always be exhausting, it's a different kind of exhausting now.  This kind of exhausting is the kind that leaves you content.  It makes you realize that there is no place on earth you would rather be.  Sure New York at Christmas is beautiful I'm sure, but for now, right here, is where I want to be.  Even if the decibel level is off the charts, even if the floor is covered in wrapping paper, even if every damn dish in the house is dirty.  This is my mess, this is my chaos, this is the house that we built. 

This is my last post for about a week.  I've had to come to terms with that.  I'm not sure I'm going to have the time to set up a few to publish any next week.  I start my new job and that seems challenging enough right now.  I'm holding on tightly to my words of the year.  I'm replaying my song for 2014 in my head.  I'm repeating my 2014 mantra as we speak.  I want to make 2014 a great year, with big goals and new successes.  But for right now, I'm going to take my time and bask in the clean fresh glow of the New Year.

Foggy Friday

Suddenly it's winter in Fresno.  Thursday we awoke to rain, and Friday to fog.  There is nothing wrong with the fog, but it's quite a shock to the system when last week it was 80 and sunny and today it was dreary and 60.  But it's not all bad, it's finally boots and sweater weather, just in time for Turkey Day.  You would think that a day like today would make me want to stay inside and cuddle with a notebook and a pencil, or a book I've read a thousand times before.  On the contrary, today made me want to go and shop for Christmas gifts.  To try and complete the task and be done before Black Friday.  There aren't enough deals in the world to get me back out there.  I worked retail for years, and I don't do any serious shopping on Black Friday unless it's from behind a screen.
The fog is such a beacon for what's to come.  Cold days followed by colder nights.  Warm snuggles under blankets and books read about snowmen and elves and a bearded man in a red suit.  Hot chocolate makes it's rotation on our breakfast menu.  Cookie mixes end up in our carts at the grocery store.  Wrapping paper scraps litter the floor. Red and green M&Ms fill candy bowls.  It's one of my favorite seasons.  Just to be in, to breath in, to revel in.  But sadly it's so short lived.  How do you capture every single moment?  How do you savor every last bit?
Pajamas all day.  Blankets that never get put away.   Books that get closed with cookie crumbs between the pages.   Christmas carols in every car ride.  Christmas movies around the clock.   Sugar cookie trees and gingerbread men for breakfast.   Night shopping.  Starbucks red cups.  Peppermint bark.   Evergreens with hanging lights.  Elves on all the shelves.

Thursday is Thanksgiving, and I was once a purist that didn't listen to a single carol until the day after.  I didn't buy a single gift or even think about a tree.  With children the magic has returned.  Santa is real.  Frosty will return.  Rudolph will lead the way.  
But thanks to some Friday fog, the holiday has begun.


The next part of The Dinner Party is up. Read The Night Cap now.

These freaks

These Freaks have my heart. They are my always and forever. They are my every day is worth every battle.
We don't get to pick our families.  Somehow the universe just knows exactly what you need.  As if God knew I needed to be challenged daily.  He knew I needed laughter and joy, drama and tears.  He knew I needed to grow into this life to appreciate it for all it's worth.
The days are long, sometimes so very long.  The nights are always too short.  But when I wake every morning I know this is exactly where I need to be.  That this is exactly what I should be doing.  Because every time I second guess, question myself and this path, I remember that it's not the one I chose, it's the one that chose me.
I was supposed to meet that guy, that night, at that party I didn't want to go to.  We were supposed to battle it out on the dating front, to make mistakes and be forgiven for them.  We were supposed to wait until we had grown up a little to get married, and grow a little more before we had a family.  I was always going to get a challenging first baby.  To make sure I could survive almost anything.  To teach me lessons I could never learn in the classroom or in the workforce.  To show me that I had it in me to be a good parent, a good mom, and a good person.  I was supposed to have a second baby, even if I wasn't sure.  It was always in my cards to rediscover motherhood, with different eyes, and a different heart.  I was always going to get here, even if the journey was bumpy, even if I fell into some pot holes, even if I wanted to turn tail a time or two.
For so long, I wanted tomorrow.  Because tomorrow was better and new, tomorrow held better promises.  Now I know that today is what matters.  Squeezing out every single piece of today. Enjoying every small victory, and putting the missteps behind me.  Because this is exactly where I'm supposed to be, with these freaks.
Because these freaks are my always.

The things you learn

Caitlin and 3 day old Mac
April 2010

As you read this, I'm dropping both my babies at school.  Caitlin starts first grade, and Mackenzie has decided that she must go to Preschool.  So instead of arguing with Miss Mac (which is a losing battle), we decided to send her, a year earlier than we planned.  She will only go 2 days a week, but even that is pulling at my heart strings.  It's the ultimate cliche, but time, it flies, it leaps, it gallops, it races.  And you are unable to stop it.
I recently posted that picture to Instagram to share a guest post.  It captures a day I will forever remember.  The memory is still so fresh, that I know that it's close to 7:30 in the morning.  Caitlin is eating a cookie that is almost as big as her head.  Her sippy cup holds sweet iced tea.  She is wearing her most prized possession, Panda PJs, that she refused to take off for an entire month.  So I went to Costco three days into that phase and bought 5 pairs.  And yes, she wore them around the clock for close to a month.  I was pregnant, sue me.  I know that Mackenzie has just had a bottle, that she needs her cap to keep up her body temp, that I shouldn't put her in a boppy like that.  I also know that I didn't care.  I was in survival mode.  I was 3 days post pardum, after suffering a post pardum hemorrhage, and losing almost 2 pints of blood.  I was weak, I was emotional, and I was nervous.  I wasn't prepared for any of it.  Not the hemorrhage, not the PJs, and not the task of mothering two children.  I know that now, because about 2 hours after this picture was taken, I completely lost myself.  I made a mountain out of a mole hill, and I yelled and fought with a two year old.  Why did I loose my cool?  I don't remember, but I'm sure it had to do with a mess, or a spilled sippy, or being loud while her sister slept.   It wasn't a good reason to loose my cool, but I did.   And it was a lesson to be learned.
I find the toughest lessons to learn in motherhood aren't the big ones.  They aren't the lessons on bedtime, or feeding schedules.  They aren't lessons on multitasking or chore charts or discipline.  They are the little things you learn about yourself and about your children.
You learn that peanut butter and jelly sandwiches don't mean defeat at dinner. You learn that you really can eat grilled cheese for breakfast every day for two weeks. You learn that Panda PJs are fashionable everywhere if you are under 3. You learn that sometimes fast food is just easier and cleaner (no dishes). You learn that sometimes going to Target is more important than laundry. You learn that your way isn't the right way for everyone,  but the right way for you.
You learn that no matter how old your children get, they are still your babies. They are still little to you. And even when you drop them off at college, they will still be those babies in the picture, of that day you will never forget.

Lazy Toms {why I haven't blogged in days}

  I have to keep reminding myself that the blog will be there tomorrow. Lately I find that I get super stressed or pressured if I don't post Monday through Friday. Then I have to remind myself that this blog will be there. Tomorrow, the next day, and the day after that. And if I continually sit in front of the screen, I'm not going to have much to write about. I haven't written a word since last Thursday. Sometimes silence is golden. Sometimes silence is needed. Sometimes silence feels pretty damn good.  

 

Me and my lazy Toms yesterday.

I had planned on blogging for most of Sunday.

Then we decided to take a trip to see my in laws in Tulare.

And do a little outlet shopping.

It was a day well spent with family.

 

 

 

We completed two "100 Days" projects.

This one is mine.

Some of my IG friends asked what this was all about.

It's to commemorate the 100th day of school.

Caitlin originally asked for 100 cupcakes, then 100 cake pops.

We settled on 100 lollies.

Got the inspiration here via Pinterest.

 

 

 

This gal is getting to big for her britches.

Literally.

These are clothes from our cousin Charlie.

Thank the Lord for hand me downs that look brand new!

 

 

 

You want to know who else is too big for their britches?

This girl.

This is her at almost Midnight last Monday night after a late nap.

All sass and duck face.

Let's just say this late nap/late nights snowballed into a sleepless week.

Which means I had quite a week myself: including bad moods, outbursts and tantrums.

Oh, Mac didn't do any of those... I did.

 

 

  This is me. Mixing prints and then making sure my gals on IG approved. I'm so glad I went out on a fashion limb.    

 

Friday we spent a little time in the ER.

Mac fell flat on her face after running on hardwood in socks.

I have to say that she is my kid that falls and goes splat.

Often.

This time she wasn't herself as quickly as I would like.

Thankfully we were in and out in an hour.

We shall see if we caught any other diseases from waiting in an ER.

 

 

  And yes she was fine. Here's your proof. She found my heels on Saturday morning. She's working those heels, am I right?     I'm thinking Sunday is the perfect day for lazy Toms, impromptu trips with the family, and remembering that the bloggy will always wait for your return.   Your kids and family on the other hand may not...    

7 things Challenge {2013}

 

pin it here

One of my favorite bloggers Lena B, is hosting this super cool link up for 2013.  Instead of "resolutions" we are sharing 7 things, all prompted by a few words.  Like all resolutions a few of mine will probably be broken.  It's fine.  I do it every year.  First let's look at mine from last year:   AbsoluteResolutions   I didn't do so bad.  I did revamp my relationship with God.  In my own way.  I also read more this year.  I thank my Kindle and an obsession with the Hunger Games for that.  I did cook and eat more veggies since I had to, I went 100% grain free in February.  Did I mind my temper?  Yes and no.  Did the Hubbs and I have regular date nights?  No, not in the convention sense, but we did stay up many nights watching movies or Mad Men while the kiddos slept.  I did pay more attention to myself.  I dressed up more, thanks to Pinterest and WIW posts.  I said yes to invites out with my gals without feeling guilty about leaving the kiddos.  Did I challenge myself?  Yes, more crafting, cooking, baking, reading, and running all took place in 2012.  Yes I said running!!   So now I'm ready for 2013, and my 7 things challenge:   Learn:  How to knit.  Everyone is doing it, and I love scarves way too much not to try.   Start: Running.  Again.  I stopped and have regretted it every day.  Time to lace up my trainers.   Stop:  putting off my freelance/book dream.  Seriously what am I waiting for.  The worst they can do is say no!   Take a vacation to: a blogging conference, writing conference or both. Also Disneyland with the kids would also be awesome.   Find: and make the perfect roasted chicken   Try: to put my laundry away when it's washed.  I know, but seriously these things are made to be broken.   Be (more):  Inspired.   I was very inspired in 2012, and I think it made all the difference.  I want to keep that spirit and be inspired by words, art, crafts, people, music, everything.   In the spirit of being inspired, many bloggers last year picked One Little Word to inspire their 2012.  I have a really hard time picking one word, because words inspire me.  It's like asking me to pick a favorite book, or favorite child.  Almost impossible.  That said I think I may have found one.    I talked a lot about savoring the season last month.  So much so, that I think I used the word savor in my last five posts.  So to pick that word would be redundant.    I've decided that my "one little word" will be Zest.  To have a zest for life, for words, for inspiration.  Being brave, being hopeful, being loved, all of those are made possible by having zest.  When I looked it up in my ancient dictionary from highschool, the third definition of zest was "keen enjoyment".     That sounds like a wonderful plan for 2013.       Some great link ups to bring in the new year:   7 Things  

  Define 2013   #YOLOMONDAYS

Lunch with Grandpa

I talk a lot about my mom in this little space, but I rarely talk about my dad.  I don't know why, it's not like we aren't close.  I love the man with all my heart.  My dad is just kind of reserved.  He's a home body, a hermit crab as my mom calls him.  But something changed when I had my babies.  He became a grandpa, and that was a game changer for him.

My dad was involved in my life.  I'm not saying he wasn't, but he was like a buddy.  He'd pick me up from school on his days off and we would go to Monterey, just the two of us.  Go to the warf and buy salt water taffy.  Or instead of Monterey, go to Toys R Us and look around, pick out a new Barbie or two, and then go home and eat McDonald's.  That's how dad I and spent time together.

He taught me everything I needed to know about the Beatles, Jimmi Hendrix, and vinyl records.  He told me that even when I went to ask for a job application I needed to be dressed nice.  He taught me how to pour a perfect cup of beer from a keg... Something that made me a rockstar at fraternity parties years later.  He was also the man who would sneak into the sorority parking lot, take my car with his spare key, wash it, gas it up, and leave a 20 in the ashtray.  A hero among dads am I right?

Dad had rules though.  You didn't change the channel on Dad's TV.  Not ever.  Not even on Saturday mornings when you really, really wanted to watch Care Bears.  You also didn't eat cookies first thing.  A good, solid meal first and then something sweet. 

I'm telling you this because of what has happened to the man formerly known as Dad, who is now Grandpa.

Grandpa let a 2 year old Caitlin eat a chocolate chip cookie bigger than her head at 6:30 one morning when I dropped her off before work.  He also asked her what she wanted to watch on TV.  They settled on Barney.  And it was then, that I knew, that gruff guy, with the gruff voice, and sometimes cranky demeanor was all but gone.  He was now Grandpa, the snuggly bear, who was now cuddling my little one and her almost gone chocolate chip cookie.

Not much has changed since adding Mac into the mix.  If anything Mac has added to his laugh track.  Mac and Grandpa share a lot of the same sense of humor and a love of cats.  They love petting the cats in our lives and making eachother laugh with prat falls and funny faces. 

So it wasn't a big surprise when my dad asked his "girls" out to lunch last Friday.  My mom's out of town, and I think he was a little bored at home.  He took us to Caitlin's favorite place, Panera Bread, and bought us lunch.  A lunch that included sodas and incredibly large iced flower cookies.  Because that's how he rolls.  He also went out and bought Mac her own Dream Lites pillow pet when he learned that Mac wanted one of her own.  And posed for some pictures.  Just another day for a Grandpa.

It's one of those things that you don't really think about.  When you are so wrapped up in your own changes as a mother, you don't realize that your kids don't just change your life.  That you aren't the only one who gets to enjoy the riches and blessings of your little people. 

Sometimes you get a glimpse, proof that you don't have enough fingers and toes.

That there are not enough numbers in the world.

To count your blessings.

In the 90s {Our Reflection Photo Challenge} InstaFriday

It's been in the 90s here all week.

And it's super hard to be at the computer

with this business going on.

So, while I'm trying to be bloggy as usual,

Thursday I did this.

And it was bliss.

Linking up to the Our Reflection

Photo Challenge!

I picked this weeks theme:

The Sun!

Check out all the link ups for the week!

Game Time

Sorry friends, but I'm off to the games.  The Hunger Games that is!  I'm sure you've noticed my obsession lately.  I'm ok with that.  I love to read.  Especially it puts me in another world, with characters to love and hate, and with a story that keeps me glued to my Kindle.

This is what the Hunger Games, Catching Fire, and Mockingjay did for me.  From one Friday night to another, I was held captive in Panem.  It was awesome.

So, I'm off to the games.  Showtime is 10:30 am for me and my group.  I'm kicking off my birthday weekend.  And since it's my birthday weekend... I may be away from the bloggy.  While I'm away enjoy a little Hunger Games swag from some awesome shops.

May the odds be ever in your favor.


 Bip and Bop  The Honey Pot After Nine to Five Happy Hunger Games! 

Dirty Secret Saturday {1} Let's be honest about our week

Welcome friends to Dirty Secret Saturday!  I'm so excited to be co-hosting with Lena at Mom 2 Memphis and Ruby and Chrissy at A Little Dash of Diva!  This is a safe place my friends so let out all the secrets you have been keeping.  Tell us some truths about your motherhood.  Let us in on some deets about you!  Good, bad, or otherwise let's have some fun.

Since I skipped my usual InstaFriday post, I'm going to use some of those pictures to give you an honest look at my week.  I used to not be so honest about motherhood.  In the beginning I would outright lie!  Sure my kids are sleeping through the night (after they come and sneak in our bed).  Of course they eat fruits and vegetables (fruit snacks count right?).  They drink out of sippy cups (sweet tea, Dr. Pepper, Coke).  So you can see where I was trying my best to play the part of "Super Mom".  Well it didn't last long.  I made more friends telling it like it is, than trying to be like it "should".  So now, I'm all about letting everyone in on my AbsoluteLife!

This is exactly what happens when you are

blogging instead of making breakfast.

I could hear this little voice saying "He-op" which is Mac for "help".

So after I finished my thought (of course),

I walk into the kitchen to find this.

At least she didn't break herself or her sister's doll bed.

This is what Sunday hair looks like.

Messy, with a side clip so she can see.

Also you can't see in this pic,

but trust me this kids got a snotty nose.

I kept wiping, it kept runny.

Soon she was using her sleeve herself.

Since she had it covered, I went inside to make dinner.

This is my princess at a princess birthday party.

She ate this cupcake.

And the slice of cake we took home too.

This was also the party where there was a 40+ Princess Ariel.

I don't know about you but I like my princesses young and beautiful.

Look, I'm going to be 34, so I know age is just a number.

But like my BF stated, I'm not wearing a tail and a clam shell bra.

So this isn't exactly from this week, but this is a weekly occurrence.

We try to "sleep" train Mac.

To get her to fall asleep on her own.

This is what happens on those nights she doesn't want to.

She is also usually banging on the door.

It's at that time that I'm turning

up the volume so I can hear Glee.

John keeps reminding me that I once said

 crying it out was the worst thing to do to a child.

I keep telling him Mama's got shows to watch.

Plus we do go in soothe when she cries,

but if there are no tears, she can figure it out.

This is me trying to wear something other than a

sweatshirt, Uggs, and jeans.

This is me trying to wear something

that will catch some attention.

So they look at my outfit and not my dirty, greasy, hair.

Greys was on and I didn't want to miss it.

So I skipped a shower.

Priorities people!

Do you guys all know about FebPhotoADay?

Well it's this fun challenge on Instagram.

I'm doing it and Thursday (23) was "where you work".

This is it folks.

My living room where the magic happens.

Actually this is where Nick Jr. happens.

And lots of screaming, fighting sister.

It's also where we eat snacks and ruin our carpet.

And while that laundry basket of clean clothes is no longer there,

the clothes are still not put away.

They are now sitting next to me by our desk,

reminding me that they need to go home.

Which is in Caitlin's room.

But right now that seems to far.

So that's me folks.  That's a little glimpse into our week.  Are there chores I could be doing?  Of course.  There are always chores.  There is always dirty dishes to be loaded.  Clean clothes to be put away.  Toys to be picked up.  Could I cook a nutritious dinner tonight?  Of course.  Will I?  Probably not.  It's Saturday.  So I'm going to do what I do most Saturdays.  Love my kids, laugh with the hubby, and blog/read blogs/enter giveaways and Facebook and Twitter the day away.

What are you doing this Dirty Secret Saturday?

Happy Blogging,
Megan

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