Where do I begin?

It feels as if I have abandoned this spot on the Internet, and in a way I have. Life as been at a break neck pace for the entire month of May. It's only been in the last few days that I've actually realized that May has come and gone, too quickly if I can be honest. At the end of April I found myself at a crossroads in so many ways. With work, with life, with just about everything. Do you ever feel like you are just running along? Like you are on this hamster wheel with no real destination. I had been feeling that way. Just running along, falling behind, never really noticing the view. I felt as if I had no real destination, as if I was just working to work, running to run, living and breathing to stay afloat. I wouldn't say that I was unhappy, but I would say that I was just sitting and watching the world around me. But I don't think I was really enjoying it.

I quit my job about three weeks ago. Typing that is totally shocking. Still. Even to me. I quit my job. A job that I had hesitations about finding and accepting in the first place. A job that taught me that I could still be successful as a person, separate from being a mother. A place where I learned that there was still more to Megan than motherhood. For those things I am thankful. I didn't know I could do such things after all the years out of the workforce. I had no idea that I could juggle, albeit not very well, but still I didn't drop too many things. I worked so hard at that job and yet after a year and a half I was able to look outside of myself and all the comforts ofdoing that job well, and leap. Leap without really looking or asking too many questions. Which is also shocking.

At the end of April I was approached my a dear friend that owns a Bridal shop here in town. I've known her since I was a newlywed, and years ago I had this dream of working for her. Many of you in bloggy land don't know a lot about me before I was mommy, and one thing is that I have my degree in retailing and business. Surprise! Not only do I have a degree, but I started my career working for a regional retailer who had their headquarters here in the valley. My internship with them turned into a position as an Assistant Buyer in their Accessories Department. It sounds way more glamorous than it is, but still I was using my degree. My point with all this back story is that when I left that retailer a few years before they closed up shop for good, I put my "buying" dreams aside. I put a lot of my retailing dreams aside. Then life happened and motherhood and here I am writing this blog with bigger dreams of publishing work, and not so many dreams of retailing.

Until my friend called.

She needed someone to help her and her business. She needed someone with experience in many areas of retail to take some of the pressure off after a family emergency. She wanted someone who would care about her business as much as she does, and love it in a similar way. And since we both get our hair done by the same person, that person suggested me. When my friend called, out of the blue, I had zero intentions of leaving my job. I was just going to see what she had to say, I didn't think that the bridal business was still something I wanted to do. I didn't think that I would be interested, but I agreed to meet her for coffee, and you guys, I'm not kidding when I say, the lights came back on. We talked for less than an hour and I was energized. It was light someone had lit a fire in my heart. The passion was back.

I was hesitant. I was very comfortable at my former employer, and believe me when you say that I had an amazing manager. My former manager was understanding and very forgiving when motherhood and work overlapped. When I needed time off it was given. When I had little emergencies that turned into big emergencies she was both understanding and sympathetic. And that made it really hard to leave that comfort zone. Also, if I'm being honest, I was really good at my job. Still there were things that I wasn't so crazy about. Like my late nights when I had to close (even if  it wasn't that often), also my weekends were spent away from my family. Weekends were always the worst, because even if I got off work by five or six, I was usually too tired to do anything when I got home. For me that sucked, and for my kids that sucked. There were things about the "pier" that were fantastic, but there were also somethings that I couldn't ignore. And the longer I worked there, the longer I felt I was missing out on a lot at home.

It took me a full week to wrap my head around what I was going to do. I looked at it from so many angles and talked to so many people. Going from a corporate job to a small, locally owned business is really scary. The things you hate about corporate are also the things you take comfort in. I went around and around, but even when I faced some of the "cons", the lights stayed on. All my friends and the Hubbs all said they noticed the same thing, my face lit up when I talked about the new job and it's potential. My whole demeanor was different and fresh. Like I said, the lights were on, and I couldn't ignore that. The minute I committed myself to the idea, the wheels started turning, and I began talking myself into the jump. I began dreaming about brides and dresses, about events and photo shoots, and I began to get to work on the next steps in my career life. Which required me to jump right out of my comfort zone. As scary as that jump felt, somehow it also felt right.

I know that this new job isn't going to be easy. Any form of retail never is, but I really like the idea of selling the idea, that "one big, planning since you saw Steel Magnolias", idea. I can't wait to dive in and help with the little details that make a wedding day unique and personal. I'm sure there will be late nights and early mornings at some point. There will be Bridezillas, and Momzillas, and that one Maid of Honor who is so pissed it still isn't her that she can't see straight. I've been in about seven (or more, my memory has gone) weddings. I've dealt with these "zillas" before, and now I'll actually get paid for dealing with them. After all these years, I didn't know that I still had this kind of career dream in my heart. I didn't know that I couldn't still be this passionate about work. Sure I'm passionate in my writing and blogging life, and I have great passions when it comes to motherhood, but this kind of retail niche job doesn't come around that often.

I officially start next Tuesday. The shop is open on Saturday, so I will still work some weekends, but my nights will be at home with the girls. I'll get my Sundays back and that is a breath of fresh air, and I'll also have the same two days off in a row. That also has me breathing again. I'm very excited to get to work, to learn a new business, and to keep the lights on.

Because the lights, the ones that I didn't know went out, the lights are on again.

With Resolve {2015}

source / pinterest

I spent New Year's Day in pants without buttons. Most of it spent in the sweats that I slept in, with yesterdays make up on, and my hair piled on my head. It was glorious. I was lucky that I didn't have to work on New Year's Day. I was able to sleep in and lounge around, and not worry about schedules or meal times or pants that button. Spending time with my family was the best way to end the year and begin the year, I was lucky enough to do both.

I've spent last few days reflecting on the last year. It was a hard one. Full of obstacles and missteps. It was my first year as a working mom, after all these years of motherhood, and it wasn't easy. In fact it was harder than I anticipated. I thought I knew all about hard work, I realize now I had no idea. Twenty fourteen was a year filled with guilt and self loathing, depression that I will admit lead to some dark days. I also squandered some days, lost in haze of feeling sorry for myself, as if I was the only person in the world that was a working mother. I'm embarrassed to admit that, but it's very true.

When I looked back on my year I realized that I didn't do all the things that I had planned, but really who every does? I still haven't been able to make my way through Pride and Prejudice. I never did learn to knit. I never reestablished my workout routine and I rarely washed my face before bedtime. Whoops. But were those the actual important things on my to-do list for twenty fourteen? Not really. They were just the extras.

If I squint I can really see the good things that came out of twenty fourteen. My girls were healthy and happy. We went to Downtown Disney after a great weekend at Elevate. I went to Elevate and met some amazing women and reconnected with bloggy friends that I love deeply. I read book after wonderful book, losing myself in their worlds. I worked, really hard and wouldn't you know it, I got promoted. Some of those things were planned and some of those things were not. But all of them were welcomed and tell a story much different from the one I was telling in my head.

I think that is what we do. We tell one story, when really another is playing out before us. I have many regrets from this year. Most of them have to do with my own attitude, my own reluctance to move forward and embrace the life I had, instead of worry about the one I "wanted". I spent so much time in a funk over the summer, that one day I woke up and the first day of school was just days away. It was no fault of my own, but it was also a valuable lesson.

Twenty fifteen is here, and though I wasn't ready, it came anyway. I realize now that this year is only as good as I make it. I can't expect to have a spectacular and successful year if I'm not going to do anything about it. I can't sit in a chair, lost in a sea of my own worries and expect to make twenty fifteen a great year. I have to act, I have to choose, I have to get out of the chair and live.

It's with resolve that I will do that. With resolve I will get out of my chair. With resolve I will write, even if it's just a few lines a day on the back of a napkin. With resolve I will embrace all the missteps and chaotic mornings, the tears, the torn tights, and the chicken nugget dinners. It's with resolve that I will let go of all the bullshit, and only allow in all the good shit. Because twenty fifteen will be about resolve. Resolve is about finding solutions, it's about deciding on a course of action, it's about a firm determination to do something. Resolve seems like just the thing to guide me through twenty fifteen.

Every year I set lofty goals. Like I want to write a book, I want to lose ten pounds, I want to wash my face before bed. And every year, about February, I start to feel bad about myself. This year my only goal is to have resolve. To resolve to choose joy, to choose hope, to choose love, to choose grace. To resolve to meet every obstacle face to face and find a way to go through it or around it or over it. To resolve to live a happier life, the one that is happening around me, to ignore the "should be"s and just be. So that next year I'll look back and know, I did everything I could to make it count, with resolve.