Where do I begin?

It feels as if I have abandoned this spot on the Internet, and in a way I have. Life as been at a break neck pace for the entire month of May. It's only been in the last few days that I've actually realized that May has come and gone, too quickly if I can be honest. At the end of April I found myself at a crossroads in so many ways. With work, with life, with just about everything. Do you ever feel like you are just running along? Like you are on this hamster wheel with no real destination. I had been feeling that way. Just running along, falling behind, never really noticing the view. I felt as if I had no real destination, as if I was just working to work, running to run, living and breathing to stay afloat. I wouldn't say that I was unhappy, but I would say that I was just sitting and watching the world around me. But I don't think I was really enjoying it.

I quit my job about three weeks ago. Typing that is totally shocking. Still. Even to me. I quit my job. A job that I had hesitations about finding and accepting in the first place. A job that taught me that I could still be successful as a person, separate from being a mother. A place where I learned that there was still more to Megan than motherhood. For those things I am thankful. I didn't know I could do such things after all the years out of the workforce. I had no idea that I could juggle, albeit not very well, but still I didn't drop too many things. I worked so hard at that job and yet after a year and a half I was able to look outside of myself and all the comforts ofdoing that job well, and leap. Leap without really looking or asking too many questions. Which is also shocking.

At the end of April I was approached my a dear friend that owns a Bridal shop here in town. I've known her since I was a newlywed, and years ago I had this dream of working for her. Many of you in bloggy land don't know a lot about me before I was mommy, and one thing is that I have my degree in retailing and business. Surprise! Not only do I have a degree, but I started my career working for a regional retailer who had their headquarters here in the valley. My internship with them turned into a position as an Assistant Buyer in their Accessories Department. It sounds way more glamorous than it is, but still I was using my degree. My point with all this back story is that when I left that retailer a few years before they closed up shop for good, I put my "buying" dreams aside. I put a lot of my retailing dreams aside. Then life happened and motherhood and here I am writing this blog with bigger dreams of publishing work, and not so many dreams of retailing.

Until my friend called.

She needed someone to help her and her business. She needed someone with experience in many areas of retail to take some of the pressure off after a family emergency. She wanted someone who would care about her business as much as she does, and love it in a similar way. And since we both get our hair done by the same person, that person suggested me. When my friend called, out of the blue, I had zero intentions of leaving my job. I was just going to see what she had to say, I didn't think that the bridal business was still something I wanted to do. I didn't think that I would be interested, but I agreed to meet her for coffee, and you guys, I'm not kidding when I say, the lights came back on. We talked for less than an hour and I was energized. It was light someone had lit a fire in my heart. The passion was back.

I was hesitant. I was very comfortable at my former employer, and believe me when you say that I had an amazing manager. My former manager was understanding and very forgiving when motherhood and work overlapped. When I needed time off it was given. When I had little emergencies that turned into big emergencies she was both understanding and sympathetic. And that made it really hard to leave that comfort zone. Also, if I'm being honest, I was really good at my job. Still there were things that I wasn't so crazy about. Like my late nights when I had to close (even if  it wasn't that often), also my weekends were spent away from my family. Weekends were always the worst, because even if I got off work by five or six, I was usually too tired to do anything when I got home. For me that sucked, and for my kids that sucked. There were things about the "pier" that were fantastic, but there were also somethings that I couldn't ignore. And the longer I worked there, the longer I felt I was missing out on a lot at home.

It took me a full week to wrap my head around what I was going to do. I looked at it from so many angles and talked to so many people. Going from a corporate job to a small, locally owned business is really scary. The things you hate about corporate are also the things you take comfort in. I went around and around, but even when I faced some of the "cons", the lights stayed on. All my friends and the Hubbs all said they noticed the same thing, my face lit up when I talked about the new job and it's potential. My whole demeanor was different and fresh. Like I said, the lights were on, and I couldn't ignore that. The minute I committed myself to the idea, the wheels started turning, and I began talking myself into the jump. I began dreaming about brides and dresses, about events and photo shoots, and I began to get to work on the next steps in my career life. Which required me to jump right out of my comfort zone. As scary as that jump felt, somehow it also felt right.

I know that this new job isn't going to be easy. Any form of retail never is, but I really like the idea of selling the idea, that "one big, planning since you saw Steel Magnolias", idea. I can't wait to dive in and help with the little details that make a wedding day unique and personal. I'm sure there will be late nights and early mornings at some point. There will be Bridezillas, and Momzillas, and that one Maid of Honor who is so pissed it still isn't her that she can't see straight. I've been in about seven (or more, my memory has gone) weddings. I've dealt with these "zillas" before, and now I'll actually get paid for dealing with them. After all these years, I didn't know that I still had this kind of career dream in my heart. I didn't know that I couldn't still be this passionate about work. Sure I'm passionate in my writing and blogging life, and I have great passions when it comes to motherhood, but this kind of retail niche job doesn't come around that often.

I officially start next Tuesday. The shop is open on Saturday, so I will still work some weekends, but my nights will be at home with the girls. I'll get my Sundays back and that is a breath of fresh air, and I'll also have the same two days off in a row. That also has me breathing again. I'm very excited to get to work, to learn a new business, and to keep the lights on.

Because the lights, the ones that I didn't know went out, the lights are on again.

Dear Working Moms

Dear Working Moms,

I'm writing you today to apologize. I want to apologize for all the times I complained about being home all day with my stinking kids, who quite literally stunk like spit up and poop. For all the times my problems were supposed to be the only problems. For all the times I complained about all the running around I had to do, pick up, drop off, this and that. I apologize now, because I had no idea.

It's been a year since I returned to the workforce. A long, hard, troublesome year. A full year of me never having my shit together. I feel like such an asshole because I thought I knew. I thought I had an idea of what it was all going to be like. I thought I was at a place in my life where that challenge wasn't going to be so much of a challenge. I was so very wrong.

I'm so sorry I never realized that the guilt never goes away. I'm sorry that I didn't realize what a huge sacrifice it was for you to go back to work when your kids were just newborns. Tiny humans that were freshly swaddled and warm with love. How did you do that? How were you able to walk out that door? I have trouble leaving the girls today, on a Sunday morning, and they are big and not nearly as sweet smelling as the newborns they once were. I'm sorry I never acknowledged your sacrifice.

I'm sorry that I never understood now the pull between being a mother and being a career woman could knock your balance in such a way you quite often lost sight of yourself. I realize now that I didn't know that you felt guilt at work and then guilt at home because there was never quite enough of you to go around. And that all it took was a tear, a cracked voice, a sniffle, or tighter hug at drop off to question your decisions and motives to be successful in your job or career. I think that is what has surprised me the most.

I'm sorry I never realized just how hard you work. From the time you hit the snooze until the time you are able to hit your pillow every night. I had no idea that you get so much done before school drop off that it should be considered a day all its own. That just because you come home from work, doesn't mean that you are off. Second shift starts and before you know it, it is eight o'clock and the kids had popcorn and soda for dinner and homework still isn't done. It never occurred to me that you see so little of your babies every day, and that you don't even realize it most days because you are just trying to get to the end of that day. And I would have never believed you if you had explained the underlying guilt that you live with because of that.

I'm sorry working mom. I'm sorry for being such a privileged brat. I'm sorry for thinking that I had such problems. I'm sorry that I never really listened to the longing in your voice, the one that thought the grass on my side of the fence was just a little greener. I'm sorry I never asked how you were doing, how you were making it through the hard days and the short nights before the littles went to sleep. I'm so sorry that I was such a shitty friend. That it took me becoming a working mom to figure out that maybe you aren't perfect and that you don't have it all figured out either. That maybe we have always had that in common. Maybe we aren't so different after all.

I get it now. I get all of it, and I hope that you will forgive me. I hope that you will forgive me and share trade secrets and tell me that in the end it's not so bad.

Even if it is bad. Just lie to me. I kind of deserve it.

What is the hardest thing about being a working mom?

For the past two weeks I have cursed "Time Hop". What is supposed to be a little app on my phone to remind me of what I was doing last year, or the year before, has turned into a gut wrenching look into my recent past. You see this time last year I was still a Stay At Home Mom. I still had things like free time and care free thoughts. There were still concepts like, "I'll get to it tomorrow", and "Don't worry, I'll take care of that this weekend". Those words are no longer in my vocabulary. Things have to get done today, or they don't get done at all. There are zero carefree thoughts, instead they have been replaced with stressed out, holy shit, thoughts. It's as if my Time Hop feed is someone else's life. Someone happier. Someone less stressed. Some other, better, more attentive mother. But just as I guilt myself into thinking I'm such a failure now at this life, I remember that it's not entirely the truth. 

Tuesdays {ten twenty eight fourteen}

You would think that a Tuesday would serve us much better than a Monday. Today proved otherwise. I realize that our week is jammed packed with not much wiggle room. We are so tightly scheduled that one little misstep could derail the entire week. That misstep was today.

I got up at five. To prep food and lunches, to make sure I was showered and make-uped for work and a seven fifty a.m parent teacher conference. Before seven this morning I had baked six pieces of chicken and 12 Paleo pumpkin muffins. I was on a roll, rinsing dishes because of the smell, and taking out the trash. Just about six fifty I woke up the girls.

Chaos.

Caitlin had a headache and stomach ache last night. That tends to happen after a weekend of binging on fast food and ice cream and cake. Between going out of town and then celebrating two birthdays on Sunday, her body and tummy had had enough. Add in the fact that crying before seven in the morning is on the short list of things that drive me bat shit insane. So I was already sparking with a short fuse. Also Daddy had an important meeting he had to leave for at five this morning. So here I was, trying to get everyone dressed and ready to get out the door in time to make the parent teacher conference. 

But the more I pushed and prodded those littles to get out of bed and get dressed, the more they cried and carried on. So I resorted to yelling because that is what all good mothers do when they are desperate and balancing on the tightrope of morning mid life crisis. The yelling only made matters worse, and then when I realized that the chance of Caitlin going to school today was slim to none, I broke out in a cold sweat because I was without child care. Remember that schedule I was talking about? Well my mother and mother in law's schedules were just as tight. Add in Dad already on the road, mom due at a meeting and then at her actual job, and I was ready to call it a day.

Instead I called my mom. Oh, Linda. The Patron Saint of Mothers. I actually said, "Mom, None of us can even". I ranted and raved about all my goings on and then she said calmly, "Just bring them to me". It wasn't even seven fifteen. So we all went to grandmas, with teary eyes and scowls, where we were met with a smile and open arms.

On the way to the Parent Teacher conference the guilt set in. I'm pretty sure my daughters felt like Mommy was mad at them. I'm pretty sure they felt bad about that. I could see it on their faces as I kissed them goodbye. As usual I wasn't mad at them, I was just mad at the circumstances. This week is scheduled within an inch of it's life. There is no room for sick days or forgotten lunches or as luck would have it, running out of Nutella. We don't have room to be late or early or to "skip" it all together. So I was mad that I couldn't just stay home with the kids myself. I was mad the Hubbs couldn't do that either. I was mad that I had to call my mom to bail me out, again. I was mad that my conference had to be so early in the damn morning. I was mad that even though Mackenzie had school, I let her stay with my mom, because she cried because it wasn't fair that Sissy got to go to grandma's and she didn't, and I didn't have any fight left in me. I literally couldn't even if you paid me.

I made it to the conference. Straight A's. Best Behavior. Have a nice day. It took all of ten minutes. Then I made it to work, and that wasn't so bad either. It wasn't until mid day that I realized why I was so upset this morning. Why I get so upset every time.

Because I had this morning by the balls. I was ready. 

I had made muffins for fucks sake. 

And then, as quickly as I was struttin' my stuff,

I fell, flat on my ass.

I think that's as close to defining motherhood as I'm going to get. The day wasn't the worst. It would have been nice for it to have run smoothly, but it would have been nice if I would have found a million dollars today too. We don't always get what we want. But can I just say that if it could go to hell in a hand basket today, it did. 

Of course I let every single bump in the road get to me. It's my own wavering confidence that makes me run to the edge of life and threaten to jump. Because in the thick of it, I revert back to that other Megan, white knuckling the sides of the ledge, trying to survive one day at a time. I forget, in the moment, that I've grown. I've learned. I've survived. Some days are easier that others, sure, but motherhood is still a battlefield. And you can bet your ass I'm still fighting.

So that was today. Unfiltered. Unedited. And surprisingly enough, not a Monday.

Practicing

I saw this quote the other night. There I was just scrolling along with Pinterest, when BAM. This hits me like a ton of bricks. The universe knew that I needed this very quote right then and there. Now I just had to listen.

For me, I was right in the middle of wrestling with taking on more. I was interviewing for a promotion at work, and I was still standing on a fence. On the one hand, working mom was starting to feel alright. Once I got over all that I was missing, and focused on all that was happening. So we didn't do all the things we normally would have over the summer. But we still had fun. We still had little adventures. Life was happening and I had to finally focus and enjoy it. When I did, it wasn't as hard as I was making it out to be. Isn't that always the way?

Life has give me lots of practice over the years. I spent years practicing what it was like to be unpopular in high school. What it was like to be "different". That was a hard life to practice, but it prepared me for college. Because in college I practiced being myself, which helped me find myself. Not a bad gig at the time. I spent a lot of time practicing what it was like to be in love. And how to love, and how to chase a man who didn't know he was in love with you. That was some hard life practice too, but soon it all worked out.

Then the hardest life practice was being a new mom. Those were some of the hardest practice sessions. Harder than cursive in the second grade. Harder than cutting my hair in a pixie in high school, while all the kids laughed at my choice. Harder than walking away from the Hubbs when we were in college, because he was being unreasonable. None of my previous practice prepared me for motherhood. Being a new mom pulled out all the stops. Making sure that practice was going to make almost perfect. Insuring that I would continue the practice as if I were going to be an apprentice of motherhood for the rest of my life. That's the thing with motherhood, you can't ever be out of practice, because the practice never ends.

Lately, life has been requiring me to practice being a working mom. It started out as part time, but soon morphed into full time. I resisted it for sure, and when it came to making a decision on what I should do, I was at a loss. Could I really handle being a full time working mom?  It's not that I didn't have an awesome support system in place to allow me to return to work full time. My village is strong and dependable and thank the Lord above, flexible too. But still, was this what I wanted? Did I want to surrender more time, more me, and lose the "stay at home mommy" me?

Then I thought about my practice here, in this place. I have spent the better part of three years practicing here. As a blogger, and as a writer. Every time I sit down and type my heart out, I'm practicing. Practicing to get better, to be better, to perfect my craft. When I thought about becoming a full time working mom, I wasn't ready to give up this practice either. The practice of being a writer and a blogger. Add to that the practice of being an at home mom, and there are a lot of practices I'm just not ready to leave.

But why do I have to? I don't have to give up one practice for another. I can make time to practice both. Because life is giving me exactly what I need practice in. I need to practice balance, I need to practice organization, I need to practice time management, I need to practice doing and juggling all the things. The flip side is that I have to practice admitting that I can't do and juggle all the things. I realize I will need to practice forgiveness, so that I can forgive myself of the guilt that I know will pop up. Because I know the guilt will creep in, whether it's mom guilt, or writers guilt or wife guilt. I will need practice in this new role as I go forward and tackle the holiday season in retail, all while having two girls who will have Christmas programs and dance recitals, and a family that will celebrate Christmas at least five times at five different homes. Something tells me that this is only the beginning of practice as a working mom.

As you know, I took that promotion.
And the practice continues.