It is that time of year again. Summer is coming to a close and mothers everywhere are pinning ideas on how to send their children off to school the right way. Scrapbook paper apples and banners welcoming the new school year are filling my feeds on Facebook and Instagram. I got so inspired, I thought I'd write my own back to school post!
Here is what our Back to School Breakfast will look like:
I will have hit the snooze button no less than six times. Even with my "sounds" at full volume, my children will still be in a coma like slumber that will necessitate the use of force to wake them up.
I'm still in bed checking Facebook to see what kind of effort I'll have to make today, to make it appear that I give a few fucks about the first day of school. Let's see... Chalkboard sign? Nope. Apple shaped pancakes? Nope. A perfectly cut and hand crafted banner welcoming the school year? Hell Nope. Great. Maybe the kids will let me off easy with a trip to Starbucks on the way to school.
Realize that I've wasted too much time comparing myself to all the "Good Mothers" on Instagram and now have zero time to get myself ready. Aw. Look at that, I'm already back in my "back to school" routine.
Wake each child. Start by kissing them and saying sweet things like "Good Morning, Love" and "Wake up, Lovey". Then poke them a little. Then kiss them some more. Then try to turn them over so they can look at you. Finally contemplate prying their eyelids open with my fingers.
Physically pull each child out of bed, and help them zombie walk to the couch where the TV is on and Cartoon Network is blasting. Give them both cups of sweet tea because caffeine is a very important part of this back to school breakfast.
Realize that both children are refusing to wear the Back to School outfits that they picked out , themselves, two weeks ago. Argue with them about all the kids in the world that have to wear uniforms to school, try to convince them that they are "lucky", instead of telling them that they are spoiled rotten. They are now protesting the new clothes by sitting in their underwear. FML.
Ask them if they would like pancakes or waffles. Offer to cut them in fun shapes like apples or butterflies. Both children look at me like you are unrecognizable, because their mom doesn't cut out "shapes". Offer to add sprinkles. They wrinkle their noses. Finally ask what they want. One Chocolate Chip granola bar and one serving of Pringles, respectively. How am I going to Instagram this breakfast of Champions?
Beg them. Bribe them. Threaten them. If they don't get dressed in five minutes they will go to school in their panties. They whine and complain but put on previously mentioned Back to School outfits. Then spend the next four minutes doing six different hair styles on each one, because they are girls.
Neither child can find their new shoes specifically bought for this day. This is because they refused to listen to me when I said, "Do not wear/move/lose your new shoes before school starts". Rant and rave about how they never listen to you. Ever.
Shoes are on. Hair is done. Oh shit. Lunches.
Lunches packed. The day has been saved. Now run, rush, and hurry to get in the car to drive to school and meet the new teachers. Yell a little. Then yell a lot. Where the in the... Where are the back packs?
We made it. We are at school. We are on our way to meet the teachers.... And stop right there and smile. Mommy needs a picture so she can upload it to a photo editing app, so she can write what grade you are in and stuff, because who has time for chalkboard DIYs? Also dole out mini peanut butter cups in my purse (for emergency purposes) because there was no time for Starbucks and also there was some yelling. These peanut butter cups will wash away the guilt. My guilt anyway.
Warning bell. Kisses. Zero tears even though my baby is entering kindergarten TODAY. Because there is no time for tears. I'm rejoicing that my kids are at school, with clothes and shoes on, hair combed, and they have food to eat. Praise the Lord.
Wave as they walk into their new classrooms. Walk to my car in tears of relief, joy, and sadness. I made it (relief), they will be in school until three this afternoon (joy and elation), but my baby started kindergarten (sadness), and your first baby is in third grade (more tears). Resist the urge to write a very cliche post on Facebook, using the word bittersweet.
Sit in my favorite chair. Instagram the girls pictures that I have edited to show that today is the "First Day of School", adding their correct grades. Realize that they are both squinting in the sun, and not smiling. Make a mental note to take another one, but I know myself and will most likely forget. Catch up on some shows that use inappropriate language. Contemplate writing a blog post about how time movies so fast and back to school is hard. Decide it's better if I wait, because I will overuse the word bittersweet. Take a nap instead.
I can pretty much guarantee that this will be our first day of school. It's the same reason the leprechaun doesn't come for St. Patrick's Day and pee green in our toilet. It's why we never have fun crafts for Arbor Day or Flag Day. It's the reason that it's "National S'more day or National Doughnut day everywhere but here. Because life. Because chaos. Because I'm crazy enough without a Back to School Breakfast to prepare the night before, when not a single person in this house will fall asleep before midnight.