The Raw Chicken in the Room {my Brazilian}



I'm going to warn you all now.  This isn't going to be a lady like post.  So if you don't like the words vagina, taint, or ass, stop reading.  It's fine, I understand.  I won't be mad.  This is a mommy blog so typically those aren't words regularly used.  But for today, I have to share this story to warn ladies everywhere of the conspiracy that is,

THE BRAZILIAN WAX.

This is the biggest conspiracy in the history of vaginas.  I'm dead serious.  I want to meet the woman who said, "Hey, I have an idea, let's wax our vaginas within an inch of their lives, all in the sake to look like pre pubescent girls when naked".  Who is that bitch?  Probably the same one that likes anal and having sex on her period.  

Do I sound angry?  I am angry.  Want to know why I'm angry?  Because women everywhere rave, RAVE about the Brazilian wax.  It's a way of life, their husbands love it, they love it.  
What?  You love this?
I have yet to be convinced that this is the best thing for me and my vagina.

My story starts over a month ago, when my two neighbors, who are going to Vegas with me, decided that we (the ladies) needed to get Brazilians for our trip.  It's going to be fun they said, we will all go together they said.  Well I had to go alone.  Which was probably better since I did scream a few times.  I had agonized about how painful this experience was going to be.  It's only now I realize I didn't agonize enough.  
How do I put this gently?  Oh, wait I can't.  
When my best friend asked how it was, I said 
"It's like getting hot molten lava on your taint".  

Because let's be honest, that's pretty much the gist of it.  Also, I'm not sure a trip to your aesthetician should require you to do downward facing dog.  
Just saying.  

Five facts I learned yesterday in regards to Brazilian Waxing:

One:  Bitches who say Brazilian waxes aren't that bad are liars.

Two: People who do wax vajays in such a way should also be licensed to do pap smears.  
I mean, when in Rome...

Three: Neither my husband nor my OBGYN have gone to the places the waxing lady went to on Tuesday.  Like seriously I didn't even know there was hair there.

Four:  Brazilian wax literally means from your belly button to your tail bone.  Hence the downward facing dog requirement.

Five:  Brazilian waxes were invented by bored rich white women who needed another beauty treatment to add to their routine.  They are also the women who bleach their butt holes.

So of course after I got the wax, I sent a text to the person who was most excited for the wax.  The Hubbs.  You would think it was Christmas Eve with the excitement.  Actually no, he's not even that excited on Christmas Eve, he was excited like the night before the first Bulldog Tailgate.  Anyway, he asked how it was, and I gave him the hot molten lava on my undercarriage story.  He was in no way sympathetic.  Instead he wanted to know if I had a picture.  Yeah, because after having my vagina ripped for 45 minutes the first thing I did was take a picture of her.   So instead I sent him this:

Yes, I really sent this to the Hubbs via text message.
Because if you have ever had a Brazilian then you know this is what you are left with.
I also posted this picture on Instagram saying that Vegas prep day 2
was to wax your ass, quite literally.

By the end of the night, I was kidney punching angry, because my neighbors reported back that they LOVE their smooth vajays.  That they will never every go back to the way they were before.  And I'm pissed because I don't like it.  I hate it.  I hate looking at a bald raw chicken every time I pee.  What is attractive about looking like a 12 year old?  Am I missing something here?  I mean besides the fact that it hurts like hell, I feel completely exposed.  
And raw.  Like chicken.

I've come to the conclusion that this is no way to treat my vajay.  I didn't even abuse her in college.  I was nice and thought I took care of her.  She has been a trooper, you know birthing 2 kids and all.  Plus, she's a little old for going on such adventures that involve molten hot lava under the hood.  As you know, she doesn't even read Cosmo anymore.  I feel like I owe her an apology for keeping her so sheltered that her world was shattered by some hot wax and a yoga position.  

I'm still angry you know.  Again, who likes this?  Who?  I want names and addresses.  I'm sure the Hubbs will think it's fantastic.  All my girl friends are raving about.  Women everywhere are paying thousands a year to keep their eagles bald.   
Am I really the only one who hates everything about this situation, called a Brazilian Wax?

Nope.  My vagina hates it too.


If you are visiting from GOMI or Baby Central
here is an update on the chicken.
Its part retraction part cautionary tale.
Your welcome.

32 comments:

  1. You have me laughing at 5 in the morning so first off thank you! It sounds very horrible. People need to treat their vaginas nicer because damnit they are important. You better hope yours doesn't revolt from such mistreatment. Have fun in Vegas!

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  2. Love it! And I would agree with you! No thank you! So sorry for all the torture! Love your honesty. :)

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  3. I've gotten a few of these before... and yeah, they didn't hurt as bad as I thought they would. I dunno, maybe I have no nerve endings down there lol. Buuuuut since I had a c-section, it is the LAST thing I want to do now. Maybe a bikini wax to clean things up, but not the whole darn thing. I always felt so weird too.

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  4. HAHAHAHAHA!!!! OMG you're hilarious! Yes, I used to pop a couple advil before I used to get mine. That shit hurts, hubbs love it, end of story.

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  5. You are ridiculous. And much braver than me...I would never have been able to do that in the first place. The idea of being all spread out and having someone put that "molten hot lava" on my downstairs has never been appealing to me. But you go girl. Now you can say you tried it? :)

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  6. I can't even wax my mustache without wincing. Let alone wax the catchers mit. I think the chick may of had a black eye by the time I walked out. Boundaries crossed. The hubs doesn't even get "downward dog".
    Have fun in Vegas "Chick".

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  7. Oh honey. Been there. I had mine done while I was pregnant. On accident. It was supposed to be a Bikini Wax. I ran out of there halfway through with a wax strip still attached to my lady bits. I blogged it --> http://www.semidomesticatedmama.com/2009/02/post-in-which-i-shame-myself.html

    I hated it too. I will never ever get another one. Ever. Ever ever.

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  8. I have vowed to never go there. I've become very skilled with a razor, except for that one unfortunate accident.

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  9. Im dying. lol Once upon a time I went to Calfornia (not for elevate lol) and got just a bikini wax and thought it was the most hateful experience of my life, not only did it hurt, but it didnt last nearly as long as everyone said it would and I was just pissed off that I put my poor "ness" thru that for little return lol :) you are amazingly hilarious and I appreciated this post.

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  10. this is awesome. I will be honest: I don't hate waxing for a clean chicken. It's painful for me like, right when it happens, but it's kind of like going to the dentist, it's miserable during but when it's all done, you feel so clean and it's worth it! I can totally relate to how much it sucks though and pouring hot wax over our sensitive lady bits is definitely playing with fire! funniest post I've read in a long time!

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  11. Hilarious!!!! The chicken!!!! Hilarity.

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  12. This is amazing. This is the first post of yours that I have read and I will definitely be coming back haha! I have never done this because I feel the exact same way - I just don't understand the appeal! Maybe there's no real good reason that there's hair down there but I don't really see a good reason to remove it either, especially if it's expensive and painful!!

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  13. I did it once. it was every bit as bad as I was afraid it was going to be plus some. And if you think the worst is over now, just you wait until you get an ingrown hair somewhere you didn't even know you had hair. I shave very carefully and that's good enough for me!

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  14. I honestly don't mind it, I don't really feel too much pain and I've always popped an advil or two before, my fiancee likes it and the upkeep isn't too bad for me but OMG when it grows back the ITCHINESS!!! And the price make it a rarity for me.

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  15. this is gold. I tried it once, like you, to see what all of the hubub was about. NEVER AGAIN. the whole situation during and after was downright silly, painful, and NOT ONE BIT OF FUN. I'm dying over the raw chicken hoo-ha analogies, hilarious post!

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  16. Again. Seriously? Your posts make my weeks. Hilarious. Nope, never had a brazilian and don't plan to. I'm all for keeping "clean" if you will, but the baldness is for the youngins. I don't even think the husband would really like it, like you said.. 12 yr old. haha. Hope you have a blast in Vegas though and that your lady bits don't feel totally exposed while you're there. ;)

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  17. I love this post more than bacon and will be sharing it with ever woman I know. It speaks the truth, who does this?!?! No naked chicken!!

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  18. I'm sitting in a coffee shop, literally laughing out loud at this! This is probably the most hilarious thing I've read in a long time. And I couldn't agree more. Before I got married, everyone was urging me to do the same - or at least shave - and I said NO. Not even SHAVING is fun (can anyone say ITCHY?!), let alone waxing! My deepest condolences to you and your fun parts!

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  19. Bahahahahaha. I'm actually laughing out loud right now. I have never been a fan of the idea of getting my vajay waxed and I can honestly say that I don't plan on doing it in the near future haha. I'll stick with grooming myself. Kaythanks.

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  20. Oh my gosh. I think I just peed because I am holding in laughing.

    I would have been cracking up sending the hubby that picture. Omg!!!

    You are hilarious.

    And I 100% agree. My hubby likes the bald eagle look - and I just don't get it. I'll keep things clean and organized down there, but do you like me looking like i'm 13? I vote no thankyou.

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  21. I totally don't think I could ever get it waxed. Eyebrows are enough for me, but shaving is fine. Totally understand the picture of the chicken!

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  22. Funniest post! I also cannot force myself to endure the pain of going bald. It is a very sensitive area, and I don't think hot molten lava is welcome down there!

    newmommynewlifestyle.blogspot.com

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  23. I decided if I ever go in and get mine done, I'm drinking a bottle of wine beforehand.

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  24. so you have completely convinced me to NEVER try this. THANK YOU!!!!!!

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  25. Nope - never gonna happen. Thanks for backing me up on my decision.

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  26. OMG, spitting coffee out my nose onto my desk this morning! But I have to say, we are on the same team here. Ain't no one going there with that stuff; especially if they want to yank it off when it cools (says the girl who re-melted the leg wax just to get it off, because she couldn't take the pain....)

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  27. Love this! I remember some time ago when the Epilady was popular - this shaving alternative device that pulled out all the hair on your legs. "After you got used to it, it didn't hurt as much," they said. I learned to have several glasses of wine first, and "they were right, it DIDN'T hurt as much. Until one time about a year down the road I decided my legs had to be tough enough by now to forego the wine. BIG mistake.

    So while everybody has been touting Brazilians as the new hot thing, I've been cueing my mental iPod to The Who. "Won't Get Fooled Again." Because I know "they" lie like a rug (not the one formerly between their legs), and do not have my body's best interests at heart. And even if the lies about the pain weren't so bad, I'm with you on the appearance - who wants her ladygarden to look like a plucked chicken?

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  28. OMG, I'm DYING. This is HYSTERICAL!!!! I'm so glad I'm not alone in hating the whole Brazilian experience. It was NOT pleasant!!! I'm off to add you to my Bloglovin' feed now. You are hilarious!!!

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  29. OMG! OK, I'm new to your blog, and this was the first post I read. I'm staying... sign me up, honey!!!!

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  30. Hello, readers! If you live in New York City and looking for a good place for Manhattan Brazilian wax, feel free to visit beauty salon I have linked to in my comment because this pace is very, very good! Staff in the spa salon is very professional and prices for their services so low! Strongly recommended place! Thank you!

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  31. Had i read this post prior to getting my first (and ONLY) Brazilian today...and then went and actually got the Brazilian, I'd be even more mad at myself than I am now b/c I FEEL EXACTLY THE SAME AS YOU DID WHEN YOU WROTE IT! Never again. It's unattractive and dammit it still hurt hours after getting it done. Evidently there are two kinds of people in this world, us and them.

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