Getting my oil changed

If you think that this post is about my car, you'll be very disappointed.  This post is in fact about my annual exam, because I hold nothing back on this blog.  As I age, every year my trip to the OBGYN is a new adventure in the land of reproduction.  It's like going every year after you are a certain age, is both annoying and depressing.  So why not share what many of you have to look forward to as you age gracefully, or as it is in my case, not so gracefully.
It became very clear to me the morning of my appointment that Wednesday mornings are OLD LADY DAY at my OBGYNs office.  Not a pregnant belly in sight.  Which I have to say was pretty refreshing, because those baby bellies leave me envious as I walk in to my "old lady oil change" appointment.  Instead I was seated across the room from a woman who was, wait for it, painting her nails.  Yes.  I swear on Brazilian waxes everywhere.  She was in the the waiting room painting her nails.  Then, when her name was called, she acted all put out that she couldn't grab all of her things with wet nails.  Holy Shiz.  I couldn't help but laugh and then post it to my Facebook status.  I mean, I get having pretty toes at an oil change is important, unless it's the dead of winter and you get to wear socks in the stir ups.  But nails, are you serious?  Then after she left, two more ladies walked in and were confused by the noticeable smell in the air.  I explained what happened and they were both shocked as well.  As Tricia commented on my Facebook, I get all the winners.
Once I was called back I had to step on the scale so they could tell me how much fatter my ass has gotten in the last year.  Don't ever go on a diet that tells you that you can eat all the avocados you want.  Those a-holes come back to haunt you.  Also, word to the wise, don't try to tell a woman that it's water weight.  It's not.  It's fat.  We know it's fat.
Once we established my weight gain, and talked about my over all "lady health"; I then sat for 45 minutes in a paper dress, that opened in the front with a paper sheet over my lower half. That bench/table is not comfortable.  It's not even long enough to accommodate a short person like myself.  So I sat there Facebooking, Instagramming, and generally cursing everyone since I was freezing my ass off in a paper dress.  As a side note, I didn't Instagram because I didn't even think about how flattering my paper dress would look.  I mean that would have been on hell of a WIW post.  
Now for the real reason I'm boring you with this oil change story.  Once my nurse practitioner took my general health again, asked about my "cycles", and if I had any concerns; she started the conversation on NovaSure.  Now I'm not being paid by anyone here, I really do want your opinions on this procedure.  Never heard of it?  According to the lovely brochure I received, it's Endometrial Ablation.  In other words, they laser and burn down your baby maker.  Ok, not really, but they do laser the uterine wall to remove the lining, which will make your periods almost non existent.  Which according to my NP will also basically sterilize me.  Uh, huh?  I was just asking about an IUD, I wasn't looking to burn down my uterus.  Or was I? 
I told her I'd have to talk it over with the Hubbs and seriously think about it myself.  I mean for the love of God here people, I have to be done right?  I feel done with this baby making business.  But then I see a newborn on Instagram or hold my neighbors baby, and I'm pretty sure I ovulate on the spot.  But then I think about the all day sickness, the sleepless nights (during pregnancy and after), and the fact that we are done with bottles and out of diapers.  I mean seriously people we are almost to the stage where every family member wipes their own butt.  
Plus the more I read about ablation, the more I hear stories about women getting pregnant. Oh, lord, you mean it's not 100%???  I'm pretty sure my uterine lining is a deserted isle anyway, and my eggs are way past their sell by date, but if you are going to laser and burn down my baby maker, you better make sure it's full proof.  
Until then I'll be over here, still counting days between cycles, and making sure that the Trojan Man is living up to it's reputation.  Because we can almost wipe our own butts, and if that's not freedom, I'm not sure what is.
What do you think?  Have you had an ablation?  Heard of it?  Know someone?

PS:  did you notice that I didn't use the "V" word once? That's because I'm trying to limit my search terms. Happy Thursday.

Cactus Panties {Brazillian Wax recap}

A week ago, I was ready to sing the praises of the Brazilian wax.  I had gone through all of the comments on my Raw Chicken post via email, and felt that maybe I had led all of you in the wrong direction.  Maybe I had judged my raw chicken too quickly.  Perhaps I was just blinded by the pain to really weigh the benefits of the raw chicken.  I even alluded to just how "o"-mazing the benefits of the wax could be (multiple times over if you catch my drift) in my Vegas recap post.  So I felt like I needed to come back and do what my BF called an Editors Revision.  Because I will always tell it to you straight.  I will always be completely honest.
And honestly I woke up two days ago with a cactus between my legs.

For the love of all things holy.  Remember when I said that I got waxed in places I didn't know had hair?  Well guess what, that hair is coming back.  And it's angry.  It's exacting revenge. It's making me hate the idea of the Brazilian Wax all over again.  
I feel like my vajay has multiple personalities at this point.  First she hates the Brazilian.  Then a few days in she loves it.  Now we are back to the hate.  Regardless, I will forever stand by the fact that the wax itself feels like hot molten lava on your lady bits.  Apparently according to Heather on this post at Baby Central Blogs, the wax should be warm, and not scalding.  Could it be I just had a bad wax experience?  Maybe.  But just remember no matter how hot the lava, that shit still has to get ripped off.  You will also have to do some crazy yoga acrobatics, and your aesthetician will almost give you a PAP.  All of those facts together make it quite the experience for you and your vajay. 
These 5 facts I uncovered about the Brazilian Wax are still true: One:  Bitches who say Brazilian waxes aren't that bad are liars.
Two: People who do wax vajays in such a way should also be licensed to do pap smears.   I mean, when in Rome...
Three: Neither my husband nor my OBGYN have gone to the places the waxing lady went to on Tuesday.  Like seriously I didn't even know there was hair there.
Four:  Brazilian wax literally means from your belly button to your tail bone.  Hence the downward facing dog requirement.
Five:  Brazilian waxes were invented by bored rich white women who needed another beauty treatment to add to their routine.  They are also the women who bleach their butt holes.

Now I will admit that the Brazilian has it's benefits.  I didn't have to worry about my bikini line.  Or any line for that matter.  It made the husband very happy.  Very happy.  Like shop in Vegas, let's get a limo, let's pretend we are in college happy.  It made my vagina happy.  For reals.  The wax hurt like a bitch because that area is very sensitive.  Well take away the buffer of hair, and that area is like infinity times more sensitive.  My vagina was as blissful as her formerly 22 year old self.  She forgot how fun she could be.  So despite the pain, I was completely on board to do it all over again.
Until two days ago.  My gal Kristin asked me if the itching had started.  Uh, yeah.  And there is nothing graceful or lady like about itchy vajay.  Feeling like I'm sitting on a cactus pillow, is serious business.  It taint nothing to joke about.  Ok, that was a cheap way to make you laugh, but it's what I really wanted to title this post.  Then I remembered I'm a classy lady, if only in my mind.
So I'm sorry if I steered you all in the wrong direction.  Brazilian waxes are still the biggest conspiracy in the the history of vaginas.  At least in my opinion.  I have decided to stick by my original stance and say that I hate them, and they are the devil.  And I don't really believe that women actually like them, they just tolerate them for their benefits.  That said, I'm scheduling my next one.  No I'm not crazy, but I like the benefits.  The Hubbs likes the benefits.  I'm way too lazy to DIY this kind of shaz.  I'm also hoping it won't always be so bad (regardless of the downward facing dog).  And finally I'm going back for another, because despite my vajay's outward appearance, she feels like a new woman.
Until then I'll be over here with my arm up my maxi dress. Like the classy bitch I am.

The Raw Chicken in the Room {my Brazilian}

I'm going to warn you all now.  This isn't going to be a lady like post.  So if you don't like the words vagina, taint, or ass, stop reading.  It's fine, I understand.  I won't be mad.  This is a mommy blog so typically those aren't words regularly used.  But for today, I have to share this story to warn ladies everywhere of the conspiracy that is,
THE BRAZILIAN WAX.
This is the biggest conspiracy in the history of vaginas.  I'm dead serious.  I want to meet the woman who said, "Hey, I have an idea, let's wax our vaginas within an inch of their lives, all in the sake to look like pre pubescent girls when naked".  Who is that bitch?  Probably the same one that likes anal and having sex on her period.  
Do I sound angry?  I am angry.  Want to know why I'm angry?  Because women everywhere rave, RAVE about the Brazilian wax.  It's a way of life, their husbands love it, they love it.   What?  You love this? I have yet to be convinced that this is the best thing for me and my vagina.
My story starts over a month ago, when my two neighbors, who are going to Vegas with me, decided that we (the ladies) needed to get Brazilians for our trip.  It's going to be fun they said, we will all go together they said.  Well I had to go alone.  Which was probably better since I did scream a few times.  I had agonized about how painful this experience was going to be.  It's only now I realize I didn't agonize enough.   How do I put this gently?  Oh, wait I can't.   When my best friend asked how it was, I said  "It's like getting hot molten lava on your taint".  
Because let's be honest, that's pretty much the gist of it.  Also, I'm not sure a trip to your aesthetician should require you to do downward facing dog.   Just saying.  
Five facts I learned yesterday in regards to Brazilian Waxing:
One:  Bitches who say Brazilian waxes aren't that bad are liars.
Two: People who do wax vajays in such a way should also be licensed to do pap smears.   I mean, when in Rome...
Three: Neither my husband nor my OBGYN have gone to the places the waxing lady went to on Tuesday.  Like seriously I didn't even know there was hair there.
Four:  Brazilian wax literally means from your belly button to your tail bone.  Hence the downward facing dog requirement.
Five:  Brazilian waxes were invented by bored rich white women who needed another beauty treatment to add to their routine.  They are also the women who bleach their butt holes.
So of course after I got the wax, I sent a text to the person who was most excited for the wax.  The Hubbs.  You would think it was Christmas Eve with the excitement.  Actually no, he's not even that excited on Christmas Eve, he was excited like the night before the first Bulldog Tailgate.  Anyway, he asked how it was, and I gave him the hot molten lava on my undercarriage story.  He was in no way sympathetic.  Instead he wanted to know if I had a picture.  Yeah, because after having my vagina ripped for 45 minutes the first thing I did was take a picture of her.   So instead I sent him this:

Yes, I really sent this to the Hubbs via text message.

Because if you have ever had a Brazilian then you know this is what you are left with. I also posted this picture on Instagram saying that Vegas prep day 2 was to wax your ass, quite literally.
By the end of the night, I was kidney punching angry, because my neighbors reported back that they LOVE their smooth vajays.  That they will never every go back to the way they were before.  And I'm pissed because I don't like it.  I hate it.  I hate looking at a bald raw chicken every time I pee.  What is attractive about looking like a 12 year old?  Am I missing something here?  I mean besides the fact that it hurts like hell, I feel completely exposed.   And raw.  Like chicken.
I've come to the conclusion that this is no way to treat my vajay.  I didn't even abuse her in college.  I was nice and thought I took care of her.  She has been a trooper, you know birthing 2 kids and all.  Plus, she's a little old for going on such adventures that involve molten hot lava under the hood.  As you know, she doesn't even read Cosmo anymore.  I feel like I owe her an apology for keeping her so sheltered that her world was shattered by some hot wax and a yoga position.  
I'm still angry you know.  Again, who likes this?  Who?  I want names and addresses.  I'm sure the Hubbs will think it's fantastic.  All my girl friends are raving about.  Women everywhere are paying thousands a year to keep their eagles bald.    Am I really the only one who hates everything about this situation, called a Brazilian Wax?
Nope.  My vagina hates it too.
If you are visiting from GOMI or Baby Central here is an update on the chicken. Its part retraction part cautionary tale. Your welcome.