If you think that this post is about my car, you'll be very disappointed. This post is in fact about my annual exam, because I hold nothing back on this blog. As I age, every year my trip to the OBGYN is a new adventure in the land of reproduction. It's like going every year after you are a certain age, is both annoying and depressing. So why not share what many of you have to look forward to as you age gracefully, or as it is in my case, not so gracefully.
It became very clear to me the morning of my appointment that Wednesday mornings are OLD LADY DAY at my OBGYNs office. Not a pregnant belly in sight. Which I have to say was pretty refreshing, because those baby bellies leave me envious as I walk in to my "old lady oil change" appointment. Instead I was seated across the room from a woman who was, wait for it, painting her nails. Yes. I swear on Brazilian waxes everywhere. She was in the the waiting room painting her nails. Then, when her name was called, she acted all put out that she couldn't grab all of her things with wet nails. Holy Shiz. I couldn't help but laugh and then post it to my Facebook status. I mean, I get having pretty toes at an oil change is important, unless it's the dead of winter and you get to wear socks in the stir ups. But nails, are you serious? Then after she left, two more ladies walked in and were confused by the noticeable smell in the air. I explained what happened and they were both shocked as well. As Tricia commented on my Facebook, I get all the winners.
Once I was called back I had to step on the scale so they could tell me how much fatter my ass has gotten in the last year. Don't ever go on a diet that tells you that you can eat all the avocados you want. Those a-holes come back to haunt you. Also, word to the wise, don't try to tell a woman that it's water weight. It's not. It's fat. We know it's fat.
Once we established my weight gain, and talked about my over all "lady health"; I then sat for 45 minutes in a paper dress, that opened in the front with a paper sheet over my lower half. That bench/table is not comfortable. It's not even long enough to accommodate a short person like myself. So I sat there Facebooking, Instagramming, and generally cursing everyone since I was freezing my ass off in a paper dress. As a side note, I didn't Instagram because I didn't even think about how flattering my paper dress would look. I mean that would have been on hell of a WIW post.
Now for the real reason I'm boring you with this oil change story. Once my nurse practitioner took my general health again, asked about my "cycles", and if I had any concerns; she started the conversation on NovaSure. Now I'm not being paid by anyone here, I really do want your opinions on this procedure. Never heard of it? According to the lovely brochure I received, it's Endometrial Ablation. In other words, they laser and burn down your baby maker. Ok, not really, but they do laser the uterine wall to remove the lining, which will make your periods almost non existent. Which according to my NP will also basically sterilize me. Uh, huh? I was just asking about an IUD, I wasn't looking to burn down my uterus. Or was I?
I told her I'd have to talk it over with the Hubbs and seriously think about it myself. I mean for the love of God here people, I have to be done right? I feel done with this baby making business. But then I see a newborn on Instagram or hold my neighbors baby, and I'm pretty sure I ovulate on the spot. But then I think about the all day sickness, the sleepless nights (during pregnancy and after), and the fact that we are done with bottles and out of diapers. I mean seriously people we are almost to the stage where every family member wipes their own butt.
Plus the more I read about ablation, the more I hear stories about women getting pregnant. Oh, lord, you mean it's not 100%??? I'm pretty sure my uterine lining is a deserted isle anyway, and my eggs are way past their sell by date, but if you are going to laser and burn down my baby maker, you better make sure it's full proof.
Until then I'll be over here, still counting days between cycles, and making sure that the Trojan Man is living up to it's reputation. Because we can almost wipe our own butts, and if that's not freedom, I'm not sure what is.
What do you think? Have you had an ablation? Heard of it? Know someone?
PS: did you notice that I didn't use the "V" word once?
That's because I'm trying to limit my search terms.