Sometimes I can't

Some people eat their feelings. I blog my feelings. This is one of those times.
My little alarm clocks when off at 8:30 this morning, which isn't bad. Still I just couldn't get out of bed. I didn't want to get out of bed. So I laid there for 15 minutes checking Instagram. While they destroyed their play area.
I didn't want to make breakfast this morning. Not even the microwaved kind. Not even the bowl of cereal variety. I just couldn't.
When I did finally make breakfast it was choose your own adventure. Grilled cheese sandwiches. Quesedillas. Granola bars and Cheetos.
I didn't want to take out the trash that was over flowing. I didn't want to clean off the table so we could eat. I didn't want to start the laundry that's been sitting all week.
I couldn't bring myself to pick up the same toys again. The same ones I've picked up all week. The same ones that must have a life of their own. The toys that I have threatened to throw out if I have to pick them up: One. More. Time.
Because sometimes I just can't. Sometimes I just can't make another grilled cheese sandwich that doesn't get eaten. I can't bring myself to take the garbage out again,  even though it's been stacked higher than me for a full 24 hours. I can't pick up the same toys just for them to show up again. Sometimes I can't fold another pair of tiny shorts or try in vain to find all the sock mates. Sometimes I just can't.
Today was one of those days that I threw more tantrums than my kids. Today was one of those days where I was embarrassingly ungrateful. Today was one of those days that I sat instead of moved. Watched a Harry Potter marathon instead of cleaned. Doled out snack food instead of cooked.
But by the end of the day I found remorse. I was sorry I cursed uneaten grilled cheese sandwiches. Because tomorrow I'll make another that gets eaten. I was sorry I was angry about little pairs of socks. Little pairs of socks mean there are little feet to fill them. I was sorry I delayed in getting out of bed. It won't be long before my alarm clocks sleep later than I do. I was sorry I almost wasted a Sunday on what I couldn't do. Instead of what I could.
Today I found my silver lining. In a life filled with laundry and uneaten grilled cheese. A life of granola bar breakfasts and Cheeto lunches. A life in a messy house, the same toys scattered in the same rooms. A life that is chaotic, messy, and so imperfect it's funny.
Sometimes I think, I just can't. But before I can give up there is that silver lining. And it shows me that I can.