Sometimes I can't


Some people eat their feelings.
I blog my feelings.
This is one of those times.

My little alarm clocks when off at 8:30 this morning, which isn't bad.
Still I just couldn't get out of bed.
I didn't want to get out of bed.
So I laid there for 15 minutes checking Instagram.
While they destroyed their play area.

I didn't want to make breakfast this morning.
Not even the microwaved kind.
Not even the bowl of cereal variety.
I just couldn't.

When I did finally make breakfast it was choose your own adventure.
Grilled cheese sandwiches.
Quesedillas.
Granola bars and Cheetos.

I didn't want to take out the trash that was over flowing.
I didn't want to clean off the table so we could eat.
I didn't want to start the laundry that's been sitting all week.

I couldn't bring myself to pick up the same toys again.
The same ones I've picked up all week.
The same ones that must have a life of their own.
The toys that I have threatened to throw out if I have to pick them up:
One. More. Time.

Because sometimes I just can't.
Sometimes I just can't make another grilled cheese sandwich that doesn't get eaten.
I can't bring myself to take the garbage out again, 
even though it's been stacked higher than me for a full 24 hours.
I can't pick up the same toys just for them to show up again.
Sometimes I can't fold another pair of tiny shorts or try in vain to find all the sock mates.
Sometimes I just can't.

Today was one of those days that I threw more tantrums than my kids.
Today was one of those days where I was embarrassingly ungrateful.
Today was one of those days that I sat instead of moved.
Watched a Harry Potter marathon instead of cleaned.
Doled out snack food instead of cooked.

But by the end of the day I found remorse.
I was sorry I cursed uneaten grilled cheese sandwiches.
Because tomorrow I'll make another that gets eaten.
I was sorry I was angry about little pairs of socks.
Little pairs of socks mean there are little feet to fill them.
I was sorry I delayed in getting out of bed.
It won't be long before my alarm clocks sleep later than I do.
I was sorry I almost wasted a Sunday on what I couldn't do.
Instead of what I could.

Today I found my silver lining.
In a life filled with laundry and uneaten grilled cheese.
A life of granola bar breakfasts and Cheeto lunches.
A life in a messy house, the same toys scattered in the same rooms.
A life that is chaotic, messy, and so imperfect it's funny.

Sometimes I think, I just can't.
But before I can give up there is that silver lining.
And it shows me that I can.


9 comments:

  1. Love this and as a new momma I have been feeling this way for a few weeks now. It gets so overwhelming but its all totally worth it!

    ReplyDelete
  2. You + truth = awesome! Thanks so much for sharing, this was me the other day. Even nursing CJ seemed like the biggest chore in the world. I just wanted me and my own space. Time out perhaps, alone. But then CJ started army crawling and getting himself up into this little sitting position and I felt the worst for looking at the negative. Hugs to you from me, cos we both need it xo

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hey as long as you don't feel like that every single day you are not doing too badly!

    ReplyDelete
  4. I feel that way a lot of time too...sometimes you just can't anymore until you can again. And what's okay about that is that it IS okay. They turn out okay...really. You turn out okay...for reals.
    xo

    ReplyDelete
  5. I wasnt going to comment on this. I read it this morning and liked it in my Bloglovin. But felt the need to comment now. I have lots of days like the one you desceibe here. I have days I want to give up, throw in the towel and run away. I wish someone had told me two years ago how hard this would be when I took on 4 full time step-kids. And I have pretty good kiddos and its hella hard! But just like you, when I'm at the end of my rope, one of them does something that reminds me why I'm doing this and how blessed I am. I look at is as God's little reminder to me. I've said this before, but, your posts are so meaningful to me because you're honest and make me feel like I'm not the only one. You're arent the fake Mom who acts like life is all unicorns and cotton candy. And you really help this mama get thru those tough days. So thank you!

    ReplyDelete
  6. I wasnt going to comment on this. I read it this morning and liked it in my Bloglovin. But felt the need to comment now. I have lots of days like the one you desceibe here. I have days I want to give up, throw in the towel and run away. I wish someone had told me two years ago how hard this would be when I took on 4 full time step-kids. And I have pretty good kiddos and its hella hard! But just like you, when I'm at the end of my rope, one of them does something that reminds me why I'm doing this and how blessed I am. I look at is as God's little reminder to me. I've said this before, but, your posts are so meaningful to me because you're honest and make me feel like I'm not the only one. You're arent the fake Mom who acts like life is all unicorns and cotton candy. And you really help this mama get thru those tough days. So thank you!

    ReplyDelete
  7. I think we all have these days. And, you can't beat your self up for it, that's for sure. You're a great mama!!

    ReplyDelete
  8. A LOT of my days are like this. I just don't want to do it, anything. I want to sit and stare at the wall. But there is a silver lining to the routines!

    ReplyDelete
  9. I have an unending supply of these days. Sometimes they happen more frequently than "I Can" days. I've learned to just roll with it and do the best I can whatever that may be in the moment. XO

    ReplyDelete