My daughter is a dreamer. Much like her mother. At six, she already has a plan mapped out for her life. She wants to be a fashion designer, a hair dresser, a dancer, a rock star. She wants to sing like Taylor Swift. She wants to act like the kids on Jessie. Recently she told me she wants to be in commercials. I remember being six, and twelve, and eighteen, and twenty four. Dreaming about my life. What I wanted to be, what I wanted to do. So as we have these conversations, Caitlin and I, I always agree that she can be whatever she dreams to be.
Deep down I know the truth. The odds of being the next Taylor Swift are slim. Becoming the next Michael Kors may never happen. That no matter the level of her dramatics, becoming the next Disney star is almost nil. Add to all of that the fact that she is tone deaf, much like her mother. I don't mention any of it. I've never said a word about her singing, her drawing, her choice in mixing prints (which is pretty good if you follow along on Instagram). I will never deter her from believing she can be the next big (insert something epic here). Because her life will be full of deterrents. Many of them she will bestow upon herself.
I know because I battle myself every day. I always have. Am I smart enough? Am I pretty enough? Am I successful enough? Am I a good enough mom? Am I doing this right? I look at Caitlin with dreams so fresh and sweet and long for that life. The life before I knew "no". The life before I knew failure. I want to bottle that for her. To capture her and her dreams in a bubble and keep them safe. I want her to always have that.
Caitlin is beautiful and tenacious. She is stubborn and sensitive. She is a dreamer, and a planner, and a list maker. All shades of her mother. All characteristics of a type A in the making. As her mother, I'm trying my hardest to foster confidence. To confirm that she can be all that she dreams. All while worrying about that day when someone tells her she's tone deaf, or that she can't draw, or that she just can't. I'm not looking forward to that, because I know, once the seed of doubt is planted, it grows from the inside out.
For now I take comfort in knowing that she is confident in herself. In her fashion choices. In her voice, and in her song. I love how she sings even though she doesn't know the words. I love that she makes up her own songs and scripts as she plays with dolls or ponies. I love that she creates and dreams without fear or hesitation.
A few weeks ago, she discovered the "cups song". It's been on repeat ever since. She wants to practice and perform it in next years talent show. I say a hesitant yes, as I know she will undoubtedly change her mind. Like she does with most of her plans and dreams. Like she does as the years go by. She continues to change, and dream, and plan a grand and happy life.