Part One Here
Part Two Here
Before I started writing this post, I went back and read my post for the New Year. I vividly remember the place I was in all those months ago, and I wanted to see how I did. I didn't remember much of it to be honest, but I did recognize the underlying theme. I wanted to have resolve. I used a picture at the top of that post with this quote:
"Resolve to let go of everything
that isn't make your life better, sweeter, or richer,
so you can make room for everything that does".
How many times do we really go back and read our resolutions? How many times do we have forward progress to show that we held on to those words that were so sweet and rich with life in January? I never do. I rarely go back and read my life affirming January posts, because honestly most times they are a let down. This year, I was surprised. I found myself answering that specific call to action. I found myself on the other side of that prayer and mantra. It didn't matter that I had quit two jobs in less than three months time, I had found room for all the things that made life sweeter. Even better, I had finally invited them in.
Since realizing that I was living cliches, I'm so glad that I was able to land on a Silver Lining. All my dark clouds of the past year held a silver lining, but I didn't know it. To find it, I had to trust myself. I had to trust my heart, and I had to listen to my gut when it said, try this instead. I found that quitting two jobs was a very teachable moment. The lessons I learned weren't as simple as, "I can do hard things". The lessons learned were more along the lines of, "I can do something". Something about those times when I'm unhappy or sad or angry. I can take action. I can learn new things about myself. I can step off that impossibly high and scary step and fall. Falling sometimes flat on my face, but realizing it's the getting up that matters. It's finding that silver lining no matter what.
There were moments of panic. Moments where I just knew my decisions were going to catch up to me. Moments when I had to explain to my friends and family why I was or wasn't working. I was embarrassed for weeks because I always thought I'd be smarter about things. That I would have done more research before quitting one job and jumping into another. I let that embarrassment blind me to the fact that I was actually doing what I had been dreaming of doing. I was actually living those sweet moments that brought happiness instead of intense anxiety. I was right where I needed to be. Soon that reddening embarrassment faded. And what was left was me, and I had to get reacquainted.
I found that the silver linings were the answered prayers of spending summer days with my daughters. Being home at night to put them to bed. Spending entire Saturdays doing nothing and everything. Silver linings in the form of saying yes to Girl Scout events and family birthday parties, being able to make random trips to the fro-yo shop with the neighbors. Silver linings that appeared as Target trips and cupcake baking and late night movies in mommy's bed. Silver linings that made me realize that I didn't want to miss these moments anymore.
Those silver linings served as perfect lessons in what I "can do". I learned that I can quit. Be it a job or something else. I can say the words I quit, and the world does not end. I can change my circumstances. I can change them to make me happier or to help my family. I can change the circumstances surrounding any event in my life as I see fit. I can and deserve to be happy. That it's within me to ask for those things that make me happy. Realizing I have the power to do what makes me happy, which is a pretty powerful lesson. I learned that I can leap with out looking, that I can let go of what if and just fall. I can say yes to something that scares me so badly, and pushes me to the outer limits of my comfort zone. I can let it go, let it be, and just wait and see. Let life work out for the best. Trust that I've made a good decision. I've learned that I can go back to the beginning, I can start over, and I can move forward.
The best part, now that I know I can... I will.
In January I wanted to let go of all of those things that didn't make my life sweeter. Six months later I took a little journey of self discovery and lived life as a cliche. I'm not sorry that I did. Good or bad, leaving one job for another served a greater purpose in my life. It allowed me to make room for what makes my life sweeter. It helped me find my silver linings. Taking that leap of faith pushed me to open my heart and my mind to falling and failing, and finding out that I can get a new lease on life.
As long as I'm willing to look for it.
