My abs will never be flat {wore}

I worked out this morning. I even went on a run last night. But I'm not here for you to tell me how amazing it is that I work out. Because I don't work out. Not really. Sure I'd love to be healthy, I'd love to wear a bikini at some point this summer, I'd even love to run a marathon one day. But if I can be totally honest with you, I'd just like to wear pants that button with a tank top and not look like a busted can of biscuits.

I will never have flat abs, because I'm lazy. I can finally admit that to myself and my blog. I like to sit in our old recliner and watch re-runs of Grey's Anatomy. I like to sit at our kitchen table and read. I like to check my Instagram feed, then Pinterest, and then Instagram again. I like to sit at my lap top an write the day away. When I think about working out, I think, there are not enough hours in the day.

I know my abs will never be flat because I lack the dedication. For the last three months, since the world started to defrost, I scroll past post after post of virtual friends working out. Showing their results and what they ate that day. I don't hate it, in fact it is inspiring. For about five minutes and then someone else posts something like a banana split and I'm like "Hell yes!". I'm proud of my virtual friends that have made a positive change in their life, and I'm kind of jealous that I lack the same dedication and commitment in my life. But really, I will never have flat abs. And I'll probably always jiggle.

Last week I saw a post of someone I follow on Instagram. She was showing off her amazing washboard stomach. The kind you only see in movies or Victoria Secret catalogs. She included her weight loss story along with it and commented that it took her two years to get her abs in that shape. As I read her post it struck me that I don't want flat abs that bad. I can't even stick to a regimen of running or working out three days a week, how on earth would I try to flatten my abs over a two year period. For one, it sounds like a lot of work, and two, I just ain't got time for that. 

I've said it before and I'll say it again, working out doesn't really do it for me. Sure the results are great, but I usually quit before the results are amazing. Aside from trying to live a healthy lifestyle and setting a good example for my girls, I'd rather be writing or blogging. I'd rather be reading or Instagramming. I'd rather be doing anything else, than jumping jacks for Jillian Michaels. 

So while I'm writing and blogging, I'll leave the cardio and flat abs to the dedicated. I'll cheer you on and like your crossfit videos. I'll be jealous of your amazing "Whole 30" dinner, and I'll even pin the recipe so that maybe one day I'll be motivated enough to cook. All I ask in return is that you cheer me on when I do my cardio... 

Get yo self one of these fancy tanks HERE!!

Which is this. Blogging is my cardio.

Thanks to Katy of Handmade Escapade!!

Blogging tank here!

Her amazing shop here!

What I Eat Wednesday {Introducing 3 Phase Paleo}

**This post is sponsored by Paleo Parents, however the thoughts and opinions are all mine.  Paleo Parents are not medical professionals, and neither am I.  This is a post about a lifestyle that I follow, and a book written about that lifestyle.  Before starting any new health regimen, please consult your regular care physician.  Thanks.

I know this isn't your typical Wednesday post, but I get a lot of questions about what I eat.  For three years I have been eating food that is free of grains, sugar, dairy, and caffeine.  Crazy right?  So the question that pops up the most is, "what on earth do you eat?", and my simple answer is chicken and avocados.  But there is a lot more to my diet than that.  Today I'm going to share with you the Paleo Lifestyle.  I say life style because it's so much more than a diet, and with the help of a new ebook, 3 Phase Paleo, understanding and committing to the Paleo Lifestyle has never been easier.

Last fall I discovered Paleo Parents on Instagram, after following Danielle Walker.  The Paleo Parents are amazing and have written two cookbooks, Eat Like a Dinosaur for your celiac/paleo kid, and Beyond Bacon, which is literally filled with Bacon/Pork madness.  I bought it for my mom for Christmas and there is something in there called "Bacon Jam" that you can dip apples in... Hello!  Following them on Instagram is a lot of fun and very informational because their entire family eats paleo, even their young boys!  What started out as a mission for better health for Stacy, has turned into a lifestyle for the entire family. 

3 Phase Paleo

3 Phase Paleo is completely different from any other Paleo book I have purchased.  This book introduces you to the Paleo Lifestyle in a way that looks at whole health.  Do you or someone you know suffer from an autoimmune illness?  Do you suffer from seasonal allergies or food allergies?  Are you looking for a way to cut out unwanted chemicals and preservatives out of your family's life?  This book will give you information that can answer any and all of those questions.

3 Phase Paleo

But in addition to answering questions on the whys of the Paleo Lifestyle, 3 Phase Paleo takes it a step further by helping you transition into Paleo in three phases.  In Phase One you start by cutting out all gluten, refined sugars, and chemical laden and processed foods.  The book includes (printable) shopping lists, and a chart to show you just how to move from over processed foods to "paleo" foods.  For example you go from pancake syrup, to pure maple syrup, to grade B maple syrup.  You can move from regular cold cuts, to organic cold cuts, then finally to proteins made at home, cutting cold cuts out completely.  This information in Phase One is extremely valuable, especially if you'd like to move your entire family, kids included, over to a Paleo Lifestyle.

Phase Two includes cutting out grains all together, dairy, processed oils (corn, vegetable, soy, canola), and legumes.  They give you substitutions for each, and let you know where to find the recipes later in the book.  Cutting out all grains and processed oils is difficult, I know that for sure, but what this book does is give you clear guidelines, products they favor (and not because of endorsements), and ideas on how to eat a Paleo Lifestyle at home and on the go.  This includes a list and photo on how to stock a Paleo Pantry, and a guide on how to eat at some choice restaurants on the go.

Finally in Phase Three, you will get an introduction to healing foods, bone broth and fermented foods included.  As someone who suffers with a few autoimmune illnesses, this information is informative and invaluable.  I'm a firm believer that food can heal you from the inside out.  In Phase Three you will find out how to use healing foods to do just that and more.  This is a major part of the Paleo Lifestyle because many of us who follow it, rely on it to keep us healthy.

Now for my favorite part... The Recipes!

3 Phase Paleo

I'll be honest with you, going from a Gluten Free diet to a Grain Free, Sugar Free, Dairy Free diet was scary.  Three years ago I cried that I had to give up rice and my Starbucks Ventis.  Today, I grateful for the discovery that the majority of foods I was eating, while they were gluten free, were causing me major health problems.  In discovering that I was allergic to most grains, whether they were gluten free or not, I felt like I would never eat anything but chicken and avocados.  I couldn't have been more wrong, but it has take me three years to feel like I'm eating good food again, and not just rabbit food.  Recipes like these in 3 Phase Paleo make it easy and delicious to maintain my Paleo Lifestyle.  From the very basic, but delicious, Easy Peasy Pancakes, to the amazing Spaghetti Squash Alla Carbonara, you will not go hungry without free reign on fast food.  I promise.

What I liked about the recipe section were the easy to follow directions (since I'm not the best in the kitchen) and the beautiful pictures of food that made my mouth water.  Most of the recipes require ingredients that are easy to obtain, nothing crazy that you may or may not have to order on Amazon.  And many of them are kid friendly, or can be made that way, since this is a book for the entire family.

This book grabbed my attention immediately because it is a fool proof way to make a major lifestyle change.  Eating this way is not easy, it takes prep, it takes commitment, but with this book, you could be on your way to a chemical free, preservative free lifestyle in just three easy phases.  If you have been thinking of eating the Paleo way, or if you suffer from an autoimmune illness, take a moment and check out 3 Phase Paleo.  It's a great way to start out the year, to jump start your health, or make that change that you have been thinking about.

I'll admit that there are some days that I really wish I could just drive thru and order my dinner.  There are days when I wish I could just grab a bagel and a coffee and go.  But I can't, not without seriously getting sick.  I get that choosing a Paleo Lifestyle seems like a simple choice for me, and on most days it is.  But I'm grateful for finding a way to stay healthy, not just for me, but for my family.  I can't be mom if I'm sick and in pain, so I've committed myself to this lifestyle.  After reading this book, I'm even thinking about phasing my family into a more Paleo way of life.  If you have ever wondered what I eat, or why everyone is gaga for Paleo, this book will give you all the details.  Recipes included.

     

 

To purchase your copy of 3 PHASE PALEO click here.

**This post was sponsored by Paleo Parents

***Absolute Mommy is now a proud affiliate of Paleo Parents

 

Ten Pounds by Ten Ten {Blogger challenge}

On September 1st, Julie of From Awkward to Art, challenged 32 bloggers to a weight loss challenge.  The idea being that we could motivate and learn from each other.  On September 1st this seemed like a pretty easy challenge.  Let me tell you there was nothing easy about this challenge.  

I started slow, as in on the fourth of September.  I started out by walking about 2 miles, three times a week.  Then I realize it burned next to zero calories.  That motivated me to move on to some DVD work outs.  I started with Slim in Six, a program I did years ago as a bride, to get in shape before my wedding.  It was a pretty good mix of cardio and weights and I did the same intro DVD for about a week.  Then I moved on to Jillian, which we all know is the devil herself.  I did the first level of 30 day shred for 5 days.  In a row.  Killer.  Then I switched back to Slim in Six level 2 and I'm still doing this DVD this week.  

My only issues at this point is that Slim in Six level two is 50 minutes.  So some days, when getting my ass out of bed before 6 am is impossible, I cut out one or two of the work outs. Never the cardio or the abs.  Usually the bun burner and the yoga.  I like that Jillian's workouts are only 30 minutes or less, but at this point I'm pretty sure I will never successfully do plank jacks, or plank jumps, or planks of any kind.  Wasn't planking some fad, like a joke or something?  How is this a real work out thing???

What I have taken away in the 10by10/10 challenge is that I'm working out about 4 days a week.  That's huge for me.  Some days I run, because I just can't handle the background music on the DVDs.  Some days I have to walk around for half the day in my work out clothes because I woke up late and I only have time to work out and get my girls to school.  But what's new.  I'm usually a hot mess for half the day anyway.  However, I'm grateful that I participated in this challenge because I remembered why I exercise.  It makes me feel good.  It keeps me motivated.  I like the way I feel.

This is so much better than what the scale says.
Pinterest.

Did I change my diet during the challenge?  No.  I eat super clean, Paleo style anyway.  But with Paleo I eat a lot of fat, so that's probably a reason why the pounds aren't melting off.  But with out carbs and grain, fat, veggie fats, are what keep me from feeling starved.  And when I'm hungry, I get hangry, and when I get hangry, I usually rip faces off.  Just sayin. 

Did I loose 10 pounds?  No.  Not even a pound.  Talk about a motivation killer.  The scale sucks.  I knew that well before this challenge.  But I stepped on that em-effer every day, and then I stopped.  I weighed last week, and I'm roughly the same as I was on September 4th. Give or take 2 pounds, which is water. But I did loose inches.  I took my measurements on September 4th, and according to my measurements I have lost 1 inch in my waist and 1 inch in my hips.  Awesome.  One inch is one inch.  My bust stayed the same, thank God, and let's not talk about my thighs. Thanks.

Big news since the challenge.  I have a bicep muscle.  I like my shoulders.  And my jeans aren't as tight.  Those are good things.  Bad news since the challenge, I discovered that my new problem area are my saddlebags.  Saddle bags.  It was never an issue before, so I blame my age.  Thirty five is a cold bitch.   She's not going to stop me though. I'm going to keep working out.  I'm going to keep running when I have the chance.  And I'm going to keep trying to be more comfortable in this body.  

I love this.  It's from Pinterest.
It's so true, but Wednesdays work too.
Any day can be the day you change your life.

This 10by10/10 challenge was good for me.  It gave me a reason to get my ass in gear.  It made me more aware of what I'm eating and why.  It made me realize that after 35 years, 2 kids, and a million different diets, I'm finally in a healthy place.  I'm not sick every day.  I'm able to get out of bed.  I don't run out of energy.  I'm eating and not going hungry because of food allergies or deficiencies.  That's a great place to be.  And I'm happy to be here, saddle bags included.

Mom's Paleo Pumpkin Crumble {It's Fall y'all}

Last Fall I spent a good amount of time looking for a pumpkin recipe that would deliver all the comforts of fall.  I had been on my diet for about eight months and was pretty sure Thanksgiving was going to be a total bust on this new grain free/sugar free/dairy free diet.  It wasn't so bad, but nothing tasted like fall, or pumpkins, or comfort.  No big deal, but I missed all of that fall pumpkin pie spiced goodness.
This year I'm not going to have to watch everyone eat pumpkin pie from the sidelines.  This year I have a Paleo version made just for me by my Mama.  Yup, Mama Linda has done it again, and has come up with a delicious pumpkin crumble that will make you say, "I can't believe it's not Paleo".  This recipe is a hybrid of two recipes in Practical Paleo; Pumpkin Pie Custard (page 404) and Fresh Blue Berry Crumble (page 406).  I'll also include some notes from my Mom about what she will do differently the next time she makes this.  In addition, my daughter Caitlin, loves this crumble.  I hate to break the news that it has no real sugar or dairy in it!
Mom's Paleo Pumpkin Crumble

Adapted from Practical Paleo

For the Pumpkin Custard

1 c. canned or fresh pumpkin Mom used canned

2 eggs

1/4 c. maple syrup grade b is best, Mom used regular

1 tsp pure vanilla extract

1 c. full fat coconut milk unsweetened Mom used Thai Kitchen in a can

pinch of sea salt

1 tsp. pumpkin pie spice Mom used McCormick

For the Crumble

1 c. almond meal/almond flour

1/4 c. melted coconut oil, ghee Mom used coconut oil

2 TBL spoon maple syrup

1/4 tsp cinnamon

2 pinches sea salt

In a bowl combine the pumpkin, eggs, maple syrup, vanilla, and coconut milk.  Add pumpkin pie spice and sea salt, mix well.  In another bowl combine the almond meal, melted coconut oil, maple syrup, cinnamon, and sea salt.  Set aside.  Use coconut oil to grease a pie pan, tart pan, or casserole dish, then pour in your pumpkin custard.

First Note from Mom:

The first time she made this she poured the custard into a pie dish and then topped it with the crumble. The crumble sank in many spots of the custard.  While it didn't tasted bad, it made it a little soggy. The crumble that stayed on the top of the custard was crisp and delicious, so Mom suggests the following step:

Place the custard into a 350 degree oven for about 10 minutes to let the custard set a little.  Once it's set, take it out and cover the custard with the crumble topping.  Then return to the oven for 30 to 40 minutes until the crumble topping is starting to brown and the custard is beginning to crack.

That's it.  It's really easy just like the Apple Crumble and it's so delicious.  Let me know if you make this.  I'd love to hear if you did anything different to make it your own.  As I publish this post I'm testing some more Paleo recipes I found on line.  Let's just say not all recipes are as successful as this one.  Paleo baking is ALWAYS an adventure. 

Thief {the weight loss journey}

"Comparison is the thief of joy." Theodore Roosevelt
This has to be one of my favorite quotes.  I had seen it on Pinterest, but it brought me more meaning at the Elevate Conference last May, when Ashley talked about blogging truths.  She used the quote to reiterate: This [blogging] is not a competition.  She was so right, but the quote has stuck with me and has popped up in other areas of my life.  Financially, emotionally, and as of late physically.
A year ago, I had just run Color Me Rad.  A huge feat for someone who swore on her iPhone that she hated running.  Training for Color Me Rad taught me that if I started slow, I could fall in love with running.  I may have been running at a snails pace, but I still ran that whole thing, which took me about 30 minutes.  The fact that I ran for 30 minutes was cause for celebration, but so was the size of my thighs.  The ability to fit in a smaller sized pant.  A body that I really liked.

That's pretty much my routine.
source

But like most things in my life, I fell off the wagon.  I got busy.  The rest of my life got in the way, and since there was nothing to "train" for, I let it go.  I ran occasionally when I had the chance, but never with the same intensity.  Sadly I didn't change my eating habits but, given that I already eat pretty clean, I eat a lot.  I can sit down and eat a large piece of chicken, salad, an apple, half an avocado... I could go on, but even writing that here makes me feel pretty gross.  It's just I've never been able to control portions.  I'm sure this is nothing new to any of you who have fought the weight loss battle before.
So fast forward to June.  After a few months sitting at a desk for a part time stint at my seasonal job.  Late nights, super early mornings, and the obsession that I had to drop 10 pounds, only to gain 5 instead.  I made excuses to avoid exercise, and even when I did, I complained.  I let Jillian kick my ass for 2 full weeks before I gave up, promising myself I would get out there and run.  I think I ran twice the entire month.

Every morning, every night.
source

Even when I was prepping for Vegas, I ignored the creeping scale.  I ignored the tightness in my shorts.  I blamed it on my almost 40 metabolism.  I blamed it on not having the time to cook.  The hot Fresno summer being too hot to run, or walk or do anything.  I blamed everything and everyone except myself.
Hello self.  Get your shit together.
My friend Julie started the 10 pounds by 10/10 program on her blog, just about 4 weeks ago. It was a way to motivate us bloggers that were looking for a reason to get moving.  For those of us who felt like we needed to drop some pounds.  I joined in thinking this was just what I needed.  Thinking I would push myself to lose those last 10 pounds that are threatening to ruin fall and jeans weather for me.  As of now, I only have one pair that fit.  One pair.  And it's not the pair that still has the tags on them!  So 10 by 10/10 was going to work for me.
But here I am.  No obvious changes.  I have been working out for 40 minutes 4 mornings a week.  I've kind of changed my eating habits by cutting out things like nuts and raisins.  I've cut back on the avocados.  Added in some more eggs whites and taken out some egg yolks.  

I mean really.  How awesome would this be??
source

Friends, the scale has not budged.  My jeans don't fit any better than they did 4 weeks ago. I'm still hungry when I go to bed.  And I've been so frustrated.
Then last week I went for my annual exam (blog post to follow on that trip).  As I was ushered back to step on the scale, I whined, Do I have to?  And the nurse, so sweet and polite, said "If I looked like you, I'd weight myself every day".  Perspective can punch you straight in the nose people.  
For the stranger that sees me, I'm sure they see a skinny bitch with nothing to complain about.  That would be true.  However no one knows how tight my jeans and shorts are.  No one knows how different my body looks behind closed doors.  No one knows how it feels to know, you have let yourself down.  But I needed every bit of that comment from my nurse that day.  I needed to be reminded that it's not about being skinny, it's about being healthy.  It's about feeling good, and moving.  Even if you move at a snails pace.  It's about acknowledging that bigger jeans aren't the end of the world, even though they feel that way.
That night after my annual, I went for a run.  I was surprised that I could run for long periods of time, with little walking breaks in between.  It felt great.  Just me and the pavement.  Music blasting in my ears.  And just when I thought I couldn't take it anymore, Holy Grail came on. And I pushed myself.  Giving it all I had.  Because I was tired of comparing myself to a jean size.  A portion of food.  A picture of a person who is five inches taller than me and 10 years younger.
Comparison is a thief. And I can't let that bitch steal from me anymore.

Linking up

Eat like your life depends on it...

On Sunday Hannah at Bouffe e Bambini posted a picture to Instagram with this comment:

Eat like your life depends on it, because it does.

Never has a quote rang so true for me.

On Friday Courtney from Baxtron Life posted on how her body is working against her. 

Never has a blog post rang so true.

I felt like it was time for me to write about my health again.  It's been almost a year and a half since I posted anything about my diet or my ailments.  I feel like between Hannah's quote and Courtney's post it was the perfect time.  Many of you have never heard this story.

In 2002, after months of sickness, hours in the bathroom, and days spent in pain, I adopted the Specific Carbohydrate Diet.  I did this because at this point I had nothing to lose.  After every blood test imaginable, after an upper and lower GI, I was at the point that no matter what I put into my body, it caused me pain and suffering.  SCD seemed the only way.  Immediately I felt better.  And I stayed on SCD for 4 months.  It was then that I adopted a gluten free diet.  I did this because one of my blood tests had revealed that I was "borderline" for the antibodies that cause Celiac disease.  Gluten Free was definately for me, and I stayed on that diet until 2011.

It was in 2010 however that my health radically changed.  For almost 10 years of living Gluten Free, feeling great, and maintaining a healthy diet, I started having all the symptoms of gluten intolerance again.  It all happened after Mackenzie was born.  I was exhausted, I had a chronic headache, I had serious gut pain, and no amount of caffeine, sleep, or pepto worked.  I let that go on for almost two years.  I was sick, but I was a mom.  I had kids to take care of, dinner to make, and laundry to do.  Moms do not get sick days. I saw my doctor numerous times to say that I just couldn't get a handle on the fatigue. Her response:  well you have 2 kids, what do you expect?  So I just went along and felt awful for the majority of the time.

Until I read a post that rocked me.

After all this time of not taking care of myself, I could be a ticking time bomb.  I cried.  Like ugly cried to the Hubbs, that daily my biggest fear was that I was really sick.  That some nights I worried that I wouldn't wake up in the morning.  It was time to make a change.  It was time to do something about me and my health.  So I did.

The Cliffs Notes is that I saw a Dr. Rick Petersen at Health Now Medical Center in Sunnyvale CA.  After a multitude of tests, he found that I not only was suffering from Adrenal Fatigue, but that I was allergic to all grains, including all the gluten free grains.  It was an eye opener.  He said that the gut reactions I was having to the food I was putting in my body was sending my adrenals into overdrive and rendering them useless.  The headaches, the fatigue, the overall feeling of crap, all due to my food allergies and adrenal fatigue.

With that Dr. Rick put me on a grain free and dairy free diet for my gut issues.  This meant that there would be not wheat, rice, corn, or barley crossing these lips.  The wheat and barley along with the gluten was easy since I was almost 10 years sober of that stuff.  The rice and the corn was devastating.  The dairy free was manageable since the only dairy I really ate was cream cheese on my gluten free waffles, and those waffles were now a thing of the past.  What on earth was I going to eat?  Then to add insult to serious injury, he put the kibosh on sugar and caffeine.  Awesome.  Did he even know that caffeine was the only thing keeping me going, keeping me sane?  Yet he insisted that sugar and caffeine are hard on the adrenals.  That they make it harder for them to function properly.  So since I was already having issues, I was just making it that much harder on myself.

It was hard people, I'm not going to lie.  I was devastated that my daily dose of Starbucks was on it's way out.  I couldn't imagine life without sugar.  And what the hell was I going to do without rice in my life?  I was crazy mad, and insisted that I wasn't going to do it.

But then I did.

Because my new diet made me feel good, in fact it made me feel great.  With the supplements prescribed by Dr. Rick, and food that didn't make me sick, I felt incredible.  I had so much energy and I didn't need my daily trenta black tea at Starbucks.  I started eating spinach and mushrooms with eggs at breakfast.  Avocados and chicken became my staples, and even something as simple as an Izze soda, made my world go round.  My headaches were gone.  My night sweats and insomnia were a thing of the past.  My gut pain a memory.  I felt better than I had in years.  Even better I was no longer depressed and pissed off that I felt like crap every day.  It was like a new day, a new year, a new life.

Then I did something I never thought I would do.

I trained and ran a 5K.  My body, after almost two years of failing me, was actually strong enough to train and run.  RUN.  Something I hated as a kid and a teen.  Run, like all those people I talked "s" about when I saw their running posts on Facebook.  I ran like I had never ran before.  Because I had never been healthy enough to do it right.

These days I eat to live.  I eat to be healthy.  I eat to be happy. 

Occasionally I cheat with a little coconut milk ice cream that has "cane sugar", or some potato chips (I can have all potatoes per Dr. Rick).  I've had a Starbucks tea a few times.  Mostly they leave me jittery, and later give me a lingering headache.  Currently I stay away from sugar, grain, caffeine, soy, dairy, and peanuts.  All of those are trigger foods for me, and within a few hours I get a headache, a stomach ache, or worse.  And it's not fun at all.

Recently I bought the book, Practical Paleo.  It's a great resource if you are ready for a lifestyle change.  There are diets laid out for all that ails you.  From diabetes to digestive issues to autoimmune disorders.  I'm not getting paid to review the book, but it is something that I feel like I need to share.  Especially if you are at a point in your life where enough is enough.

I'm not perfect.  Nor am I a doctor.  I'm just living a clean eating, paleo, whole 30 kind of life.

I eat as if my life depends on it.

Because it does.

Thank you Hannah and Courtney for the inspiration.

Fat Girl Jeans {or the quest to feel skinny}

I already know what you are going to say.  You are going to tell me to stuff it because you've seen me on Instagram and know for a fact that I don't own a pair of fat girl jeans.  You're going to tell me I'm perfect just the way that I am.  You are going to say I look great.
And you are probably right... Except I don't feel that way.
About two years ago I lost a ton of weight.  Let's say for blogging purposes, 15 pounds.  I looked sick, because I was.  My body was in rebellion.  It rebelled against the food I was eating, the caffeine I was drinking, and the amount of stress I was putting on it.  My body rebelled so well, that I had to dramatically change my life last February.  Insert the Diet of Death, take out all the things that most people live for, (caffeine, sugar, dairy, and grain) and be witness to my transformation.  I was happy, I was healthy, and for the first time in my life my body was in balance with the rest of my life.
That brings me to today.  Today, I wore fat girl jeans.  The jeans I've had for 6 years.  The "after Caitlin" jeans.  They are not a double digit size.  They are just not the size I have been wearing for the last two years.  In fact, they have been way too big for the last two years.  Until I put them on today.  Today, they fit, in the comfortable way I remember.  The way that they hang, and say, look at you, your pants are a little big.  For lack of a better reason, I wore them because they made me feel skinny.
I'm a hypocrite and a liar.  I'm just going to tell you that.   Most of the time I live the "practically paleo" life style.  Most of the time I love my body, how I look, the clothes I wear.  I'm a firm believer in accepting your body and what it is capable of.  Lately, I'm a big fat liar.  Recently I've been letting Jillian Michaels kick my ass at least 4 days a week.  I've been killing myself at work and at home, and guess what I have concluded.  One, I hate it immensely.  And two, my body is in rebellion again.  Even my diet can't save me this time.  I'm bloated, I'm in tummy pain, and I've got acne like a teenager.  I keep asking if this is what over the hill feels like.  I did turn 35.  Is there a switch in the body that at 35, the fat sticks to your hips at a faster rate?  Just asking.  I mean I get it, but you'd think the girl who eats no bread, no milk, or no cheese, wouldn't have "love handles".  Which is a direct quote from my grandma...
The hard part is that Jillian's crazy actually works.  I have biceps.  My tummy is getting a little leaner.  But sadly I'm not feeling any better.  I'm exhausted.  I'm in pain (stomach pain even though I'm sticking to my diet like a boss).  I'm in a horrible, crap, bitch face mood that makes me a gem to live with.
So today I rocked my fat girl jeans.  Because I needed a little boost.  I needed a little room to breathe.  To take the edge off.  I have my skinny girl jeans waiting for me.  For when I'm better rested.  For when I can actually keep up the the Devil herself (Jillian).  I'm saving those skinny girl jeans for when I'm back to feeling like myself.  When work isn't kicking my ass.  When the kids aren't kicking my ass.  When I'm not kicking my own ass.  I'll save those skinny jeans for a day where I can look a pint of coconut milk ice cream in the face and not feel like an epic failure.
Until then, I'm going to hang out in my fat girl jeans. They get me. They understand me. They remember me.