Mother's Day {Friday Funnies}


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It's almost Mother's Day, and I'm not here to pat myself on the back.  I'm here to share some of the funny things I've discovered about motherhood.  Motherhood is a crap shoot.  Some days it's all rosy and sweet smelling, and sometimes it stinks.  I'm sure you know what I'm talking about.  We've all been there.  So in honor of a holiday for moms that's not really a holiday for moms, here is something to make you laugh about the hardest job you ever had.  The only job that makes you pull out your hair.  The only job that makes you want to run away, yet when you are alone for 5 minutes you immediately miss your children.  

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I wrote a post in the very beginning titled Take this job and shove it.  I pose the question, that if you saw the job description for motherhood on Craig's list, would you even apply?  Because come on, it's a really tough gig and it pays in love.  Which is great, but love rarely buys you the box of wine that is sometimes required to get through the day.  Also I'd like to have this printed on a shirt, because I do get the question, "so what do you do?".  And some days I really want to say, bitch I do EVERYTHING!
 
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You don't realize that when you pack you bag for the hospital, you are also packing your bags for a guilt trip.    From the moment you push that child from your loins you are on the guilt cruise of your life.  Sure there are cocktails and sometimes chocolate, but it's a never ending trip of guilt.  You want to take a shower?  The baby might need to nurse, guilt trip.  You want to take a few hours away with your girlfriends for drinks? What if the baby needs you?  Guilt trip.  You have to return to work, only to miss some milestones of your beautiful infant babe?  Guilt trip.  It really is the vacation that never ends.  Even when you think you are beyond soul crushing guilt, your child will come home and say, "but so and so's mom was there".  And that's when you check another bag for your guilt trip.
 
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I feel like this is misleading as it should say a mother's mind.  This is what it's like to be a mother.  There are not enough hours in the day to complete all the tasks at hand.  Sure it starts out really simple, round the clock feedings, diaper changes, and naps.  But then people expect you to get all productive and stuff.  What's up with that?  Like they expect you to do things like get dressed and wash your hair.  Also they expect you to wear things other than yoga pants.  It only gets better from there.  Then you are expected to take your kid to preschool at an ungodly hour, and look like a real person.  Because there will be other moms there with two times the kids you have, who have on make-up and freshly ironed capri pants (seriously, true story).  There are a never ending amount of tabs to be opened on any given day.  It's truly what motherhood is all about. 

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Moms, this is what it's like when you have a toddler.  I'm sure you are laughing but I'm dead serious.  Your darling baby goes from sweet and cuddly, to mildly (or strongly) annoying over night.  And since they are proud of the new found independence they have, they want to do everything their self.  And by everything, I mean everything that you could do infinity times faster.  Putting on the shoes of a toddler that wants to do it their self takes a millennial.  And when you try to help, they scream at you.  Of course they do, because their way is better, right?  So this mother's day, keep this little picture in your heart as you watch your toddler feed themselves with a fork, when you know a spoon would be more appropriate, and enjoy watching them dirty their fourth shirt of the day.  

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Every day, I decide that I'm not going to clean my house, because my kids are home and they will just destroy it anyway.  This is not the science that works for my husband but it works for me.  I spent a year stressing over the mess, only to conclude that the only appropriate time to clean is at night when the kids are sleeping.  And even then I have major reservations about it since, they will be up and have destroyed the house again in less than 12 hours.  As you can tell, I set my standards pretty high.  Next time someone comes over and it looks like you are operating a day care center out of your house, just tell them that you like to clean at night when the kids are asleep as not to interfere with their imagination.  You can't bring yourself to interfere with the childhood memories that they are making.  Who would challenge such an excellent mother?  Your welcome.

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Never has an ecard described motherhood better.  This is what the first 3 years of motherhood looked like for me.  And you know what?  There is nothing wrong with that.  Motherhood is insane.  It's the only thing women gladly sign up for.  It's embraced fully.  It's competitive.  And it's the only job that no matter how shitty the day, no matter how terrible the tantrums (mine and the kids), we moms still work every day to better ourselves.  We strive to be better mothers with puke on our shirts, and poop on our hands.  We plot and plan our next moves.  We pin a thousand pins for one birthday party, for one teacher appreciation gift, for one Elf on the Shelf Christmas.  We throw our selves into the fire.  We forgo the last piece of anything.  We even eat our meals standing up if thats what it takes.  

So what's the big deal if we have it all and give our all
while staying into our pajamas all day.

Why would we bother getting out of our pajamas?  
That would just make more laundry for us to do.

 
 
Have a happy Mother's Day, and if someone offers their help, TAKE IT.
If someone offers do the cooking accept.
And if some one offers you a drink, tell them to make it a double.

5 comments:

  1. Yes, yes, a thousand times, yes!

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  2. A perfect description! Great post!

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  3. Fabulous! As I sauntered off for a shower today (hey, it's Mother's Day, I can do whatever I want!) I announced "it'll be a long shower, I forgot what hot water feels like and I'm going to shave my legs" ... simple pleasures long forgotten.

    p.s. LOVED meeting you yesterday1

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  5. Hahahahaha that last one is priceless. Thanks for sharing. I needed this after this past weekend. i think the eclipse fried my kid's brains cause they were extra evil on Mother's Day. Go figure.

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