A few months ago I spend a late night writing down some thoughts that I hope will one day materialize into a book. As always I'm never sure if I should publish things like this, but because I'm at a loss at what to write today, I thought maybe this would get the creative buzz flowing. Let me know what you think. This passage is based on actual events, although I may have changed the dialog a bit. Thanks for playing along with me and my writing.
Poop the Table
No three words have put the fear of God in me more. I remember the day I read about pooping the table. I immediately called my only friend who had actually given birth.
Me: Is this a thing? "Pooping the Table"?
Her: Well yeah, I mean you are pushing, and its like if you push hard enough…
Me: Are you fucking kidding me? It’s not bad enough that I’m going to break my vagina, now i have to worry about shitting on my doctor?
Her: (laughing) Not everyone does it. I mean some women don’t actually poop the table.
Me: Did you?
Her: Honestly I don’t even know. I didn’t even ask. There is so much going on down there I could have.
Me: Don’t you want to know?
Her: No. Never.
After clearing that up with her I made the mistake of telling the Hubbs about it. I should have known telling him would be a complete disaster. He was mystified that I could poop while giving birth.
Him: That could happen? Like you could actually shit on the table. Like as the baby comes out?
Me: I don’t know I guess.
Him: that is so fucking cool.
Me: What? WHAT?
Him: You could shit. On the table. While having a baby. It’s like a movie or something.
Me: Shitting the table is not cool. It’s not like a movie. It’s not something I’m planning on doing.
Him: But how cool if you did?
Me: I can’t believe I’m having a baby with you.
I’ll say this. I’m pretty sure I didn’t poop the table the first time. The second time, I could have, I was in so much pain I wasn't paying attention to much else. Pooping the table is real, though. It’s not a phenomenon or an urban legend. That’s why back in my mother’s child bearing days, all expectant mothers got an enema when they went into labor. How fun does that sound? I guess you could still have one today if you were really scared about it. But honestly, when you are in the absolute thick of labor, there is all kinds of nonsense happening down there, and shitting the table is the least of your concerns. I promise.
