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| via Etsy and Pen and Paint, a 2014 Elevate Conference Sponsor. |
I wish we were friends in real life. I wish that you were my neighbor or lived down the street. At this point, I'd take you living on the other side of town. That way we could meet in the middle and have coffee. I'd suggest Starbucks because, as usual, my house is a disaster, and I'd spare you that sight. I'd buy because I love to hear drinks ordered at Starbucks that I can't drink, and if you couldn't make up your mind, I'd beg you to let me order. So I could live out one of my many Starbuck drink fantasies.
When we sat down, I'd tell you without hesitation that my cup runneth over. With the good and the bad. That just when I think I have a handle on things, little earthquakes shake my world, and break my heart. I'd tell you that twice this week I told someone that I couldn't begin to plan next week, and that I'd be lucky if I made it through this one. In the same breath I'd tell you how I'm overwhelmed with the blessings that are my children, and that once again motherhood has surprised me.
This week is the last week of school. We've been late to school every day. We can't seem to get out of bed. We can never find the right shirt to wear. We can't decide on what to take for lunch. Every day we run out the door and every day I've said, Hurry, Hurry, we've got to go. But on Wednesday I said, We are late. We will just have to be late. And Caitlin offered to jump out at the curb, but instead, I decided that I'd walk her. All the way to class if I had to. Because really, why are we rushing? What in life is so important that I have to yell and scream my way out the door? Because the school bell rings. I've decided the school bell cannot dictate my happiness anymore. Obviously I wish I would have decided this months ago, but sometimes in life we are late. And I just can't yell about that anymore.
We did get there just in time to salute the flag outside the gate. Then we pushed our way through lines of kids marching to class, and in the gap we saw Caitlin's teacher. I can catch up to her Mommy, and off my girl ran. And it wasn't in haste, it was in anticipation. And at the point my heart was so full. Full because no one cried. We weren't really late. And I finally slowed for a moment to be in the moment. I stood there and watched her run, I saw her catch up , I saw her surprise her teacher with a big smile. After the year we have had, to see her, in that moment, was worth every bit of being late.
I'd tell you that the end of year gifts and teacher gifts sit untouched. They may never see the light of day. I really have to make amends with that. Friday is the last day of school. What looked really great on Pinterest, was just another crafting fantasy for this part time working mom. I could have stayed up all night, I could have gotten up early. I could have planned better, but the truth is, sometimes I just have to say no. Sometimes I just have to admit that it's not in the cards. The teacher gift will make it, but the end of year fun goody bags... We shall see.
And let me tell you about my Etsy disaster. I ordered an Elsa dress. I know, I don't even have to explain that. And I ordered it in plenty of time, only to find out on Tuesday that it wasn't finished. That it wasn't going to be here by Caitlin's Frozen Birthday Party on Saturday. And for a bit on Tuesday afternoon I lost myself. Not because I was getting a bad deal, even when I included my need by date in the seller notes, and not because I had already sent message after message confirming it could be done in my time frame, but because Caitlin had originally asked me to make the dress for her. I knew, in my heart, there was no way I could make an Elsa dress. I sew, just barely, and I haven't had to sew a project that required a pattern in years. I also knew that I just wasn't going to have the time.
But it's not so much about the lack of time and creativity to make an Elsa dress. No that part doesn't smart that much. It's about me and my oldest daughter. The one that I have been trying to please and be the picture of perfection for since day one. I've been trying so hard to give her a perfect world. And for the most part I've given up on a lot of that perfection, but this year has been hard. For both of us. And the only thing I really wanted her to have was that damn dress. Sure I've gone overboard on the favors and the invitations and the games we will play at her Frozen party, but that dress, oh Lord that dress... On Tuesday that dress brought me back to the dark days. The days where I felt like the worst mother in the world. The days where I felt I'd never do anything right. And I cried, and I cussed, and I used every single profanity I could think of silently to myself. Then I decided that I just had to keep moving forward. Because of all things that are going to break me in the years to come, this Esty dress disaster just can't be one of them.
The Etsy dress disaster is still a major sore spot. Especially after I told her and she dramatically and tearfully announced that "Nothing every goes right for me". I'm still trying not to let that damn dress break me.
I'd tell you that this school year is at the close. I'd tell you that I'm not quite sure who is more exhausted, me or the kids. I'd tell you that I've been counting down the hours. I'm so ready for mornings that don't require an alarm clock. Mornings that can be slow and sleepy. Afternoons that welcome pajamas and cookies and ice cream. Days spent at grandma's pool, or at the used bookstore or in the aisles of Target. Lazy evenings in the front yard with the neighbors and popsicles and music blasting too loudly. I'd tell you that I'm so ready to breathe.
In the end, I'd tell you that right in the middle of a stressful day. A day full of places to be and appointments to make, I realized that I was exactly where I wanted to be. I realized that my cup runneth over with chaos, but it runneth over with blessings too. I'd tell you that I looked in my rear view mirror and spotted a little hand in the air, waving at me. I'd tell you that the smile and cackle that Caitlin made when she laughed at her own joke was the most amazing sound. Better than any song ever written. I'd tell you that motherhood has surprised me again by being the thing I want to do most. It has surprised me by being the thing that makes me complete. Even when it's messy, and I'm yelling and I'm ready to throw in the towel, I realize I still want to do it. I still want to be here. I still want to be their mother. I want to kiss the boo boos. I want to sit and dictate spelling words. I want to color with all the broken crayons because they hate the broken ones. I want to make cake pops last minute, and bring home McDonald's in the twilight. I want to be their everything, their someone, their hero. But mostly I just want to be their mom.
If we were having coffee, I'd tell you that motherhood has surprised me, and filled my cup to the brim. With good, with sad, with chaotic, with messy, to the point that it blissfully runs over day after day. And that is something everyone can drink to.
Link up your own Coffee Date with Alissa at Diary of an Addict
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