Some Real Talk {ten nineteen fourteen}

Time for some real talk, m'kay?

Let's have some real talk shall we?

I've been trying to write since Saturday night. My little Chrome book that could, has decided that it cannot. I'm trying to reset the entire thing as we speak, but Saturday night was a big cluster of me cussing and crying about all the writing I wasn't doing.

It's been tough since I took this full time gig to get any kind of writing done. The plan was to spend Saturday writing, since it was my first Saturday off in almost a month. But then when Saturday got here I realized that there were one hundred and one things that needed to be done as well. Like buy some new work clothes, make a trip to Trader Joe's, and a the last minute a birthday party we forgot about. We never made it to Traders, but we did have lunch at the Habit, as a family. The Hubbs idea, and it was an excellent one. So my Saturday was spent running the errands that I didn't have time for during the week. And then, at nine o'clock last night I sat down to hammer out my thoughts and, BAM. No laptop. I fought with that thing for almost an hour, gave up and turned on the episode of The Mindy Project that I had missed. Because of work. 

I realize that for most people, not blogging or writing on a daily basis seems like no big deal. And I guess when you boil it down, like say in comparison to saving the world, or at least making a dinner that doesn't use a microwave, it's small potatoes. Unless you are a writer. Because when you are a writer, your brain never stops writing. In fact it continues to write until you can no longer sleep, or make a decent to do list, because your brain is full of stories. Fiction or non-fiction. It doesn't matter. Soon all the stories take over.

I try to write out the ideas. I try to make lists. I try to keep a schedule. But life. Life is so full and chaotic. When I'm not working I'm momming, and when I'm not momming, I'm sleeping. I even contemplated starting to work out again, and then realized, when? When I'm supposed to sleep or eat or watch TV with the Hubbs? And in case you are wondering, watching TV with the Hubbs is one of my favorite things to do.

I was talking to my best friend the other day and I told her that I'm really proud of this blog. Lately, you probably couldn't tell. It seems kind of desolate after the last three years. Still, I'm proud at how far my writing has come, but I'm and I'm proud of the fact that I'm still writing it. Even if it's only once a week. Because it's rare that I stick with something for so long. That's how I know it's more than a hobby or something fun that I I like to do. Writing is now a part of me. A part of my life. Something that I want to do, but honestly something I must do. Like breathing and eating, I also must write.

Which brings me to now, Sunday night, after an eight hour shift at the store. A late dinner of soup and grilled cheese. The kids need a bath, we need to read stories, and I really want to watch Thursday's How to Get Away with Murder. I have blog posts to write, ideas to flush out, but honestly, I'm tired. I'm taking this twenty minutes to write my heart out before I set up some "posts": the "Instagram" re-caps, the "life lately"s. Because my brain and my heart are currently in two different places. And for now that has to be okay. My hope is that I will find the time to write, just a little every night. If my laptop cooperates, maybe I can edge out some fifteen minute moments. Some days that is all I need. 

But I do need to be here. Even if it's for just twenty minutes. These days I'll take what I can get.

I'm gonna brag

You can stop reading now if you'd like. Because I'm going to brag about my imperfect life. I may be exhausted. I may be sitting in yesterdays clothes. I'm probably not wearing any make up and my dishes are stacked higher than me. But life is good despite all of those things. I'm blessed because of those things. So let me tell you a little bit about my life lately. It probably sounds a lot like yours.

This girl got straight A's. I couldn't be more proud, but the really awesome part is that my family as a whole is proud. Even my grandpa, Caitlin's great grandpa, who has demanded to see it because he has a five dollar bill waiting for her. I can't tell you how much my heart swells when I think about it.

I had one kid who was super excited that it was the last Monday of the school year. Then I had one kid who could give zero effs. I'll let you guess which is which.

 I had a really good pony tail day. It demanded to be shared.

My beautiful girl on the last day of school. She is so big and yet still so small. Perhaps she will always lightly tip the scales either way in my eyes. She turns seven next week, which is totally believable and unbelievable in the same breath.

Oh, you know. Sometimes your four year old says, "Mommy you forgot dinner", and it's eight o'clock on a Sunday night. Peanut butter and jelly with the crusts cut off saves the day. Also she is freshly out of the bath and in a night gown. Did I mention that I'm winning at dinner time? And those mint mason jars are plastic, four for under seven dollars at Walmart, and have customizable lids of choice. I'm not even making that up. We replaced all sippy cups with these bad boys.

 I've decided that this picture confirms I look really cute with a baby on my hip. Not that I'm planning on having another. Why would I when I have a neighbor this freaking adorable? I mean we match and everything.

 This was a legitimate warning from Aubrey Plays. I cannot stress this enough. A lesson to everyone, read the labels on your packages before you open them. I needed every ounce of this warning. Stay tuned for more information on this awesome package next week.

I wore a "new to me" skirt from my neighbor. The same one with the baby. Yeah, I'm lucky she is all kinds of awesomeness. I look really thin and fit here, but I'll just add now that this picture was taken before the coconut milk ice cream incident of June 2014. I'm recovering and doing fine, however I'm pretty sure I gained five pounds. Don't feel and eat kids.

The teen aged neighbor girls across the street brought their travel case of nail polish and played salon with my girls. There is at least a seven year age difference between the youngest and Caitlin. Mackenzie was so excited to ask Caroline to paint her nails, that it's all she could talk about. Here is the best part of this story, the girls laughed at me because I wanted to Instagram it!!

 Recital Day for Mackenzie. She did a tap number to Going to the Chapel. It was all kinds of precious and adorable. I'm going to save this picture for her wedding day. I may even show it to potential suitors. At this point I may even have it printed on a shirt to wear everywhere. That's how much I love this picture.

Caitlin on Recital Day. She got to choose her outfit as long as it was red, white and black. Her tap number was to One Direction, Best Song Ever, and she is in a group with the older girls (7-12 years). She did an amazing job and worked really hard on the routine since this is her first intermediate tap class. I'm so proud of her, but also... She looks like a teenager here!

Hello Summer Blockbuster with my favorite comedy duo since Amy and Tina. What was that? You want me to come and see you in the theater? Well, I'm pretty sure that can be arranged, let me check my schedule.. Oh, what's that, how many times does Channing have his shirt off? I can't wait.

Some people only brag about the good stuff. The perfect days, the perfect dinners, the perfect moments in their life. And that's totally fine with me. But this is my real life, and sometimes it's shiny, but sometimes it's scuffed and tarnished, and most days I'm a mess. But it's a good mess, and nothing that's tarnished or scuffed has to stay that way forever. So I'm going to brag about it all, because we all should have something to brag about.

My cup runneth over {Coffee Date}

via Etsy and Pen and Paint, a 2014 Elevate Conference Sponsor.

I wish we were friends in real life. I wish that you were my neighbor or lived down the street. At this point, I'd take you living on the other side of town. That way we could meet in the middle and have coffee. I'd suggest Starbucks because, as usual, my house is a disaster, and I'd spare you that sight. I'd buy because I love to hear drinks ordered at Starbucks that I can't drink, and if you couldn't make up your mind, I'd beg you to let me order. So I could live out one of my many Starbuck drink fantasies. 

When we sat down, I'd tell you without hesitation that my cup runneth over. With the good and the bad. That just when I think I have a handle on things, little earthquakes shake my world, and break my heart. I'd tell you that twice this week I told someone that I couldn't begin to plan next week, and that I'd be lucky if I made it through this one. In the same breath I'd tell you how I'm overwhelmed with the blessings that are my children, and that once again motherhood has surprised me.

This week is the last week of school. We've been late to school every day. We can't seem to get out of bed. We can never find the right shirt to wear. We can't decide on what to take for lunch. Every day we run out the door and every day I've said, Hurry, Hurry, we've got to go. But on Wednesday I said, We are late. We will just have to be late. And Caitlin offered to jump out at the curb, but instead, I decided that I'd walk her. All the way to class if I had to. Because really, why are we rushing? What in life is so important that I have to yell and scream my way out the door? Because the school bell rings. I've decided the school bell cannot dictate my happiness anymore. Obviously I wish I would have decided this months ago, but sometimes in life we are late. And I just can't yell about that anymore. 

We did get there just in time to salute the flag outside the gate. Then we pushed our way through lines of kids marching to class, and in the gap we saw Caitlin's teacher. I can catch up to her Mommy, and off my girl ran. And it wasn't in haste, it was in anticipation. And at the point my heart was so full. Full because no one cried. We weren't really late. And I finally slowed for a moment to be in the moment. I stood there and watched her run, I saw her catch up , I saw her surprise her teacher with a big smile. After the year we have had, to see her, in that moment, was worth every bit of being late. 

I'd tell you that the end of year gifts and teacher gifts sit untouched. They may never see the light of day. I really have to make amends with that. Friday is the last day of school. What looked really great on Pinterest, was just another crafting fantasy for this part time working mom. I could have stayed up all night, I could have gotten up early. I could have planned better, but the truth is, sometimes I just have to say no. Sometimes I just have to admit that it's not in the cards. The teacher gift will make it, but the end of year fun goody bags... We shall see.

And let me tell you about my Etsy disaster. I ordered an Elsa dress. I know, I don't even have to explain that. And I ordered it in plenty of time, only to find out on Tuesday that it wasn't finished. That it wasn't going to be here by Caitlin's Frozen Birthday Party on Saturday. And for a bit on Tuesday afternoon I lost myself. Not because I was getting a bad deal, even when I included my need by date in the seller notes, and not because I had already sent message after message confirming it could be done in my time frame, but because Caitlin had originally asked me to make the dress for her. I knew, in my heart, there was no way I could make an Elsa dress. I sew, just barely, and I haven't had to sew a project that required a pattern in years. I also knew that I just wasn't going to have the time. 

But it's not so much about the lack of time and creativity to make an Elsa dress. No that part doesn't smart that much. It's about me and my oldest daughter. The one that I have been trying to please and be the picture of perfection for since day one. I've been trying so hard to give her a perfect world. And for the most part I've given up on a lot of that perfection, but this year has been hard. For both of us. And the only thing I really wanted her to have was that damn dress. Sure I've gone overboard on the favors and the invitations and the games we will play at her Frozen party, but that dress, oh Lord that dress... On Tuesday that dress brought me back to the dark days. The days where I felt like the worst mother in the world. The days where I felt I'd never do anything right. And I cried, and I cussed, and I used every single profanity I could think of silently to myself. Then I decided that I just had to keep moving forward. Because of all things that are going to break me in the years to come, this Esty dress disaster just can't be one of them.

The Etsy dress disaster is still a major sore spot. Especially after I told her and she dramatically and tearfully announced that "Nothing every goes right for me". I'm still trying not to let that damn dress break me. 

I'd tell you that this school year is at the close. I'd tell you that I'm not quite sure who is more exhausted, me or the kids. I'd tell you that I've been counting down the hours. I'm so ready for mornings that don't require an alarm clock. Mornings that can be slow and sleepy. Afternoons that welcome pajamas and cookies and ice cream. Days spent at grandma's pool, or at the used bookstore or in the aisles of Target. Lazy evenings in the front yard with the neighbors and popsicles and music blasting too loudly. I'd tell you that I'm so ready to breathe.

In the end, I'd tell you that right in the middle of a stressful day. A day full of places to be and appointments to make, I realized that I was exactly where I wanted to be. I realized that my cup runneth over with chaos, but it runneth over with blessings too. I'd tell you that I looked in my rear view mirror and spotted a little hand in the air, waving at me. I'd tell you that the smile and cackle that Caitlin made when she laughed at her own joke was the most amazing sound. Better than any song ever written. I'd tell you that motherhood has surprised me again by being the thing I want to do most. It has surprised me by being the thing that makes me complete. Even when it's messy, and I'm yelling and I'm ready to throw in the towel, I realize I still want to do it. I still want to be here. I still want to be their mother. I want to kiss the boo boos. I want to sit and dictate spelling words. I want to color with all the broken crayons because they hate the broken ones. I want to make cake pops last minute, and bring home McDonald's in the twilight. I want to be their everything, their someone, their hero. But mostly I just want to be their mom. 

If we were having coffee, I'd tell you that motherhood has surprised me, and filled my cup to the brim. With good, with sad, with chaotic, with messy, to the point that it blissfully runs over day after day. And that is something everyone can drink to.

Link up your own Coffee Date with Alissa at Diary of an Addict

if you like this, pin it. Please.

The Revival {Elevate 2014 and Me}

getting my selfie on.

 When I woke the Friday before Elevate I said a short prayer. I prayed for peace, grace, and comfort. I prayed that our family road trip would be easy and safe. I prayed that we would leave the house on time. I prayed that I would find the answers I was looking for by the end of my trip. Even with a million things left to do before we could physically leave for Southern California, I had this overwhelming sense that on Saturday it was all going to come together.

The week before Elevate was one of the hardest in recent memory. I worked every day up until the day we were going to leave. My business cards came in and were cut off at the bottom again. My iPhone decided to die Wednesday afternoon and took with it all my pictures and contacts. I got back the contacts, not the pictures, but thank you to Instagram for staying alive this year and being my backup. Thursday I found out about some “politics” and drama that was afoot at work, and by the time I arrived home on Thursday night, I wasn’t in the mood to pack or prep. I laid in bed and wondered what the hell I was doing with my life. And what on earth I was going to do with this blog.

I knew I was unhappy. I was unhappy working outside of the home. I was unhappy with the direction my blog was going, as I’ve had to cut down on the attention I pay to it, and I’ve had to almost cut all interaction with my readers. There are so many things that I have to say yes to, my children, my husband, my life, and since this blog generates no money or income, its the one thing that gets cut off my priority list. Sadly it’s also one of the things that brings me great joy. Writing and interacting with my readers is one of the best things about blogging and when you cut that out, blogging just seems like a lot of work. So there I was, Thursday before Elevate, in bed crying for the seventh time that week. That’s not even an exaggeration. I wish it was. 

It took close to seven hours to get to our hotel. That’s with plenty of stops for the girls and traffic. It also allowed for a lot thinking time. Was my employer the best employer for me? Was the job the best job for me? How is the stress of working affecting my children? How is the stress effecting me? How many nights do I spend away from home only to come home and kiss by sleeping children on their heads? Question after question, all leading to answers I wasn’t ready to admit. Answers I really didn’t want to face. So as we pulled into the parking lot of the hotel, I sighed. We had made it and I was ready. I was ready to breathe again. I was ready to breathe new life into my blog, into my family, and into me.

Of course I couldn’t sleep on Friday night. I was just so excited. I stayed up talking to the Hubbs about the speakers. How I couldn’t wait to meet so and so, and how I couldn’t wait to see my bloggy buddies. I also couldn’t wait to reconnect with some people I had briefly met last year, but felt like I knew since I’ve been social media stalking them for a year. He asked a lot of questions about the blog world, since honestly, he still after three years doesn’t understand it. That’s also an issue we have between us and this blog. Before Elevate he was still at a place where it just seemed like a thing I do. A place I go to vent, then spend hours on my phone on Instagram and Twitter, wasting time. And no matter how many times I try to explain to him a blogger’s life, he still didn’t get it. But lucky for us, Elevate changed that.

I woke on Saturday with a feeling of peace. I had some truths I needed to face. Some cold hard facts about how unhappy I had been for the month. I finally felt like I had uncovered some answers about where I wanted to be in my life and where I was. I was excited to see friends and listen to speakers, but I was also excited to be inspired. I wanted to reignite the fire that I’ve had for this blog. I wanted some better direction. I wanted to find that spark that I felt like I’ve always carried to write in this space, because I haven’t felt that spark since January.

I don’t have to tell you about being at Elevate. At this point I’ve written three recaps about being there. Elevate is about the women. The women who inspire. The women who lead. The women who gather and make new friendships over painting frames or making garlands, when that is definitely not their forte. It’s about going up to women who inspire you and saying, “You are such an inspiration”, and then they hug you and embrace you. Elevate is about connecting with women who are so different from you, yet so very much the same.

What I loved about Elevate this year was that within minutes of being there I knew it was exactly where I needed to be. These were my people, this was my tribe. The calm that came over me as I walked in and put my bags down. The excitement in seeing old friends and meeting new ones. The words of wisdom and courage that spoke directly to me. The fact that no one admonished me for Instagramming or Tweeting. No one was offended if I took another selfie in the middle of a program. It was welcomed and expected. At dinner I commented that I loved being at Elevate because no one was upset that I was Instagramming at the table. Because every single woman at Elevate understood the need to reconnect with those readers who were not able to attend. They understood that while we were enjoying ourselves and the day, we were and are constantly running a business and a brand. Something that is so hard to explain to those on the outside. I don’t tweet and Instagram because I’m bored, I do it because I’m trying to create a community, a business, and a brand. And yes, sometimes it’s in excess, but many times it’s necessary.

I didn’t have to explain the tears or the frustrations I’ve had over the last five months. I didn’t have to explain how my quest for balance is one I’ve almost abandoned. I didn’t have to go into detail about my feeling about this blog and how I feel like it’s slowly dying every day I don’t publish a post. All of my fears and worries, all the responsibilities I had waiting for me at home, all the emails I’ve neglected: they were all understood, embraced, and overlooked. Because we all have them waiting for us too. But on this day, we celebrated. We celebrated our blogs, we celebrated our lives, and we celebrated each other.

The Hubbs and the girls picked me up Saturday night, and sadly the party wasn’t over yet. But I wasn’t upset that I had to go. I was on a high. So filled with inspiration and light. I got the confirmation I had been looking for: yes, this blog is the right thing. Some days it’s the answer, some days it’s the remedy, some days it’s the salvation. No matter what form it takes, its the right thing for me. It’s exactly what I should be doing. The time spent on my laptop, on Instagram, time spent writing into the wee hours of the night, they are not hours wasted. They are hours spent, getting me to the next step, they allow me to follow my dream. The time spent allows me to grow into this person, that for the first time in my life, I really, really like. I even enjoy her.

And the Hubbs enjoys her too. He got to see me, surrounded by this world I love and that he doesn’t really understand. He received hugs from Nay and Kristine, which surprised him, but didn’t surprise me. They feel like they know him, and they kind of do, virtually. I was told one more than one occasion that he was going to be greeted with a middle finger, since that is what he is known for in my Instagram photos. His reputation precedes him. My girls, the “absolute girlies” were met with open arms. Which to me seemed like poetry in motion. They are what built this blog, and they continue to fuel it. But for the first time in a long time they saw their mommy in her old life, her happy life. Yes, Elevate did that. It made me realize that I want to be happy again. I want to write again. I want to breathe new life into this blog again.

As we drove back to our hotel, I was giddy with excitement. I wanted to share anything and everything with my family. It was such a good day and I couldn’t hold back. Then from the back seat Caitlin asked, “Mommy did they have wine there?”, “No why?” I asked, “Because you act like you’ve had a lot of wine”. I laughed for ten minutes. Especially after John replied, “Mommy’s not drunk, she’s just happy”. If that wasn’t a bittersweet, slap in the face, get your life together moment, I don’t know what is.

 

So many good things came out of our family weekend at Elevate. It wasn’t the quick trip to Downtown Disney, although that was good. It wasn’t the change of scenery. It was the fact that my family got to see a little bit of the blogging world from my eyes. The Hubbs better understands the relationships and the work required to maintain a blog. He even confessed to following along on Twitter all day since he still doesn’t have an Instagram (I know, right?). He said he could see just how much fun I was having, but also the opportunity that is there for me and my blog. Which is a break through for us on so many levels I can’t even begin to explain.

As you can see and read, Elevate was so much more than a conference this year. I needed inspiration and confirmation so badly. I was in desperate need of some direction. I also needed to redefine what my happiness looked like. I’ve been home for over a week and I’m very much back into reality. But there are some definite changes I want to make. There are things I want to put into motion. And there are goals I have set with specific time lines. I never set time lines or deadlines for that matter.

Elevate was a unique experience for me, which is the way it should be. No two blogger are alike, so no two experiences will be alike. But I’m sure that I’m not the only one who left with a new resolve. I’m sure I’m not the only one who continued to float on an Elevate high for a couple of days. And I know without a doubt that not a single one of us is unchanged after that beautiful Saturday in the dunes.

I’ve heard many stories about other blogging conferences. The classes and the sessions and the celebrities in participation. And I’d love to attend another conference where bloggers meet up and inspire. But I’m totally biased when it comes to Elevate. It’s so personal and intimate, and it’s so much more than a blogging conference. For me, Elevate 2014 was a revival.

Spring Break {twenty fourteen}

I awoke Tuesday morning with such a feeling of calm it was almost foreign to me. My children woke me, like in the good old days. I was actually happy to hear their voices instead of a digital alarm clock. I realized that Tuesday held no schedule. No dance classes to attend, no Girl Scout meeting to manage. We didn't have to make the school bell, I didn't have to pack lunches. I didn't even have to be at work. It was in short, blissful.
We spent the majority of the day in our pajamas. Which in my book screams a successful day during Spring Break. We watched cartoons, and played for hours on the iPad. We ate our breakfast on the couch, and it consisted of waffle nutella sandwiches for Caitlin and cheetos for Mac. At some point I slapped dye on my hair and my mom came over. Mom and I watched two hours of TV, uninterrupted while the kids amused themselves. They destroyed their bedrooms of course, and I ignored responsibility. Then as I was mixing sugar cookie dough (from the bag of course), my mom suggested that I go run and get a mani/pedi since things were calm. And run I did.
It didn't occur to me until hours later what made this day so great. I was free. Free of time constraints and schedules. Free of to-do lists and must dos and obligations. I didn't have to be at work, I didn't have to be at school, we didn't have to be anywhere but at home. And it felt divine and delightful and perfect. 
Today was more of the same. We slept in. All of us. I laid in bed for an hour, while the girls destroyed the house, again. I went through my old routine of watching news on the networks, while scrolling the real news on Instagram. I didn't wear make up or dry my hair with the hair dryer. We went to Target just because. Then we enjoyed an Easter Egg hunt at Mac's preschool. We kept time for a moment, then let it all go and collapse into the last little bits of Easter break.
It's Thursday night, the sun will be going down shortly, and I have to be at work at six in the morning. But I am drinking it all in. All of the things I forgot. All the blessings I took advantage of. Tuesday I stopped for a moment and asked myself, what is different today? Why do you feel lighter? Why do you feel so happy? I realized it's because I'm so very happy here. In mommy mode. Putting all my efforts, or lack of efforts into skating through the day. If Spring Break is a glimpse into what summer will be like, well then bring it on. I miss my carefree days of staying home. When my only worries were laundry and dinner. When I could pool all my efforts and be my best self.
I'm nothing if not a work in progress. I'm just very thankful that I finally have that thing, that feeling. The one that makes you realize just how well you had it, and the one that makes you have great hopes for the future. Life changes, it has too, and I'm learning that I can too. So while I miss my old life of Stay At Home Mom, I look forward to my life as Part Time Working Mom. Because if I'm being totally honest, this Part Time Working Mom finally appreciates and realizes just how precious the free moments of light really are.

Scenes from a chaotic life

"The thing about chaos, is that while

it disturbs us,

it too, forces

our hearts to roar

in a way we secretly find

magnificent.

-Christopher Poindexter

Girl Scout cookies just may be the death of me.

These boys may also be the death of me.

Triplet boys.

Who all require Caitlin's undivided attention.

Doesn't look like she minds much.

This is how ladies sit when they eat Cheetos.

So delicate and dainty with orange stained fingers and cheeks.

We all have our bad days.

We are sometimes purposely late for school.

Because mom had to close and didn't really see them all day.

Off to Starbucks for a cookie and some tea.

No one remembers tardies, everyone remembers cookies.

Snuggles are the cure for everything that ails.

Fro-yo cannot be fully enjoyed unless you make a mess.

That is scientific fact.

Hearing her little voice sing "Yellow Submarine" makes my heart swoon.

I hope she grows up with music in her heart.

And one day has her own personal soundtrack.

Proof of a morning without tears, without fights, without drama.

Proof that we can have good mornings.

Especially if those mornings are Fridays.

California mornings can be crazy cool, with high temps in the afternoon.

Good thing we can transition well.

Bedhead and sprinkles are a great start to a great Saturday.

A cluttered kitchen table will not stop us.

She asked to bake cupcakes after watching YouTube videos.

It wasn't even nine in the morning, but I said yes anyway.

Because I miss her terribly when I have to work an evening shift

followed by a morning shift.

Because I say "no" too much.

Because these are the mornings she will remember.

Thankfully I'm a cake mix hoarder and had some funfetti from Christmas.

They said "Mommy take our picture".

They never say that.

I was trying to get the perfect picture for St. Patrick's Day.

Instead I got this.

This is better than perfect.

And in the midst of all the chaos we try to carve out time for us.

Sometimes that means late night movies in bed.

Or late night texting when he's out of town.

But in the chaos of it all we still try.

Chaos really does force out hears to roar and fight for what matters most. To cherish the little moments like cupcakes for breakfast and fro-yo for dinner. To make those memories that make you forget that your house was a mess, and your kids stayed up way too late. Chaos has a way of making us soar.

Linking up with  Instafriday and  Coffee Date

An actual Friday

For the first time in months, today felt like an actual Friday. I woke slowly, hitting snooze more than thrice. I laid in bed, my girls surrounding me as the clock ticked past six forty-five, then seven, then seven fifteen. For the first time in months, the morning went smoothly. There were no fusses or fights about hair, or shoes, or breakfast. I ignored my bed head, my unbrushed teeth, my raccoon eyes from mascara that just won't wash away. We headed to school with time to spare despite the late wake up. We were smiling, and care free.
And it felt like an actual Friday.
After drop off Mac played while I enjoyed a quiet breakfast, just Entertainment Weekly and I. Knowing I had to pick up my mom, I let the clock pass nine and then nine fifteen. I chose hair over make up, flip flops over Toms, ease over effort. I walked into the day wearing my favorite jeans and new earrings, as if the two had been best friends forever.
And it felt like an actual Friday.
I strolled Target with my little sidekick. She dined on grilled cheese and a Dr. Pepper, while I checked out the finer points of the newest best sellers. I tried on shoes I would never wear because heels aren't practical in my world anymore. I bought a magazine, even though I have a stack a foot high begging for my attention. But I can never say no to one of my writing idols, and she was gracing this month's cover. I tried on sunnies and checked out handbags. It was glorious and luxurious, and everything I remember it being, in the middle of a day.
And it felt like an actual Friday.
We went to a late afternoon movie. Something I would have never attempted in my previous mothering life. But today, I took both kids alone. With promises of popcorn and slushies. Candy and chocolate. I wasn't anxious or scared or worried. And we, all three of us, were so content. So right in the moment. Something I would have never imagined six years ago, four years ago, two years ago. And it felt so good. It felt so right. If only for today. I'll gladly take it and the sweet memory that we did it.
And it felt like an actual Friday.
Currently, as I write this, it's getting dark. The street lights are on, and our neighborhood is still alive, with kids playing, adults talking, and me writing. I can smell spring and summer. The air feels right. The giggles and shouts sound heavenly. And the cares of the week are slowly fading away. There is no such thing as laundry right now. There are no dishes in the sink, even though I can see them. There is no such thing as a proper dinner or bedtime. Currently we are enjoying every last bit of this Friday, as it comes to a close, quietly whispering Your Welcome. 
And finally it felt like an actual Friday. 

In the Middle of the Night {Coffee Date}

If we sat down for coffee today, I'd tell you that I've been singing one of my favorite songs. It's Lover of the Light by Mumford and Sons. It opens with the lyric, "In the middle of the night I may watch you go", and it haunts me to say that I do most of my thinking in the middle of the night. There is still no balance in this life after almost two full months on my new job. Laundry gets done out of necessity. Dishes are done in the same manner. Homework folders are forgotten, so are appointments that sneak up on us. But despite all of those things we are living, or I should say I am. Clinging on to every last bits of sanity I can muster, sleep deprived and exhausted by this new life. The one that craves more organization, more attention to detail, craves a more balanced scale. But that is life isn't it? The ways that it takes on a life of it's own, independent of any plan, any schedule, any good intention. Life continues, and we have a choice, to flail and grasp at what we cannot control, or to simply let it happen. I have to say, that we have been letting it happen. Curiously, the things fall into place, messily and never quite at the right time, but fall they do. As if it was the plan all along. Which seems just fine at the moment. I'm letting life happen, and enjoying it as it happens. Because life will happen regardless of you, almost in spite of you. It's up to you to decide if you are going to be A lover of the light...

 

Mackenzie told us this is how a lady sits.

 

Losing teeth and putting the tooth fairy out of business.

 

Drinking tea, which is an illegal substance to my immune system.

It was totally worth it.

 

My girls singing Brave by Sarah Bareillis.

I hope they will always carry this song in their hearts.

 

Mac in a dress she picked out at Old Navy.

She also demanded to try it on in the dressing room.

She's not even four and fashion is the highlight of her life.

 

More teeth lost, so the Tooth Fairy had to take out a loan.

We celebrated on Sunday with fro-yo.

 

Caramel Delights for those in the know.

It's cookie time, and this Daisy Leader is exhausted.

 

Happy mail from bloggy friends that make my used paperbacks even more inviting.

 

Work Injury #1.

Lessons learned: Don't get hurt on the job.

I'm fine now, but seriously the red tape was insane.

 

Enjoying every bit of spring with this colorful cardi.

Even with semi-combed hair and no make up.

It's the little things that can make your day, regardless of motivation.

If we were having coffee today, I'd play that Mumford and Son's song for you. I'd tell you that it reminds me of my life so much. How it took some of those struggles to get here. That when I hear it I think of my story with the Hubbs and marvel at how we are here, in this life we never knew we wanted. I'd tell you that I'm working all weekend, and in a strange way that feels good. I'd tell you that Saturday marks the official start of my birthday month, and that feels weird. If we were having coffee today, I'd buy, because there is money in the bank, and happiness in my heart. And then I'd thank you for listening to me ramble.