Last week I broke my 2016 resolution. I watched it happen. I felt it happen. Still I ignored it. I stuck my head in the sand and made excuse after excuse, and let myself consciously break my resolution for 2016.
I didn't write a single word. My resolution was to write, my word of the year is write, and still, I gave nothing last week.
Not on this blog. Not in a notebook. Not on a computer.
I didn't even look for a six word story to write on Twitter.
I just ignored that voice in the back of my head that said, put those roots down girlfriend.
I'll be honest. There were a few stories rolling around in this head of mine. There are a few characters begging to be let out. I'm not crazy, in case you are worried, I'm just a writer.
I spent the weekend trying to figure out why I'm having such a hard time WRITING. Writing anything, these days. In the past I have been able to spark my writing with a song or a picture. I've been able jump on Pinterest and find a quote or a picture and grab even the tiniest bit of inspiration. This week, not so much. What is holding me back these days? Where is the source of my writers block?
My writing is changing. I'm diving into more and more fiction these days, telling the stories of other people. Made up characters with made up personalities. I'm having a hard time coming to this blog with original stories about myself and motherhood, because my head has been somewhere else. Sure, I'm still experiencing motherhood in all it's imperfect glory. There are still days that knock me off my feet, but those stories aren't as exciting as the ones that are happening in my fictional worlds. I still want to maintain this blog and bring you great stories of how I'm surviving the best and worst parts of motherhood, but sometimes I feel like those stories are just revamped stories that I've told before. Sometimes I feel like my motherhood material isn't so original like it used to be.
Do I think I'm writing the next best seller? Not really, I'm just diving into this unknown world of fiction and I have to say that I like it. I really like this little world I'm building around characters I love and other characters that I don't. Whether or not it's the next great American novel, I'm not ready to share any of their parts just yet.
Am I afraid?
The Hubbs has said, why don't you just write the damn thing, but I always have an excuse at the ready. My neighbor told me that all my best excuses aren't really excuses for not writing, but excuses to not be afraid... Bingo. I've read so many books on writing, but what good will they do me if I'm not writing? All the books say the same thing, "Write". It really is that easy, but for my entire life I always do things the hard way. I procrastinate. I get scared and stop before I even get started. It's a disease and a sickness, and I swear I'm working on it.
Today, I'm thinking about all the writing I want to do. Even if I think it's crap, someone else may not. Today I'm thinking about that 2016 resolution that has nothing to do with getting skinny or eating better, but finally doing what I set out to do in 2011 when I started this blog... To write. To publish. To write some more.
Today I'm declaring that I failed at this 2016 resolution thing, because don't we all? I'm also declaring that I'm not going to fail at this resolution for the rest of 2016. I'm just going to keep writing, as best and as often as I can, even if it's on the back of a receipt in the check out line at the grocery store.
Because that's what writers do.
Even when they don't.