The last week has been my biggest challenge (yet?) as a mother.
Bigger than my first year as a new mom.
Bigger than being sick for my entire pregnancy with Mac.
Bigger than delivering Mac then finding myself in an operating room.
Bigger than all my mothering challenges.
I was finally faced with something I couldn't fix.
Something I couldn't take away.
Something I couldn't help.
PAIN
Never before have I wanted a magic wand, a magic pill, a magical answer.
I have never wanted knowledge, patience and faith more.
I have never made so many promises and said so many prayers.
I could not answer her cries for help.
To take it away. To make the pain stop.
She begged me and pleaded with me, much in the same way she begs for chocolate chip pancakes or new My Little Ponies.
This time her begging was followed my screams and tears and terror.
A little body rolling and thrashing the floor in pain.
A little body so taken over by pain, she wanted nothing.
No food, no drink, no toy, no chocolate.
She only asked that I take it away.
She only asked me to fix it.
I had to tell her I couldn't.
I had to tell her I didn't know how.
I had to tell her that I would do everything I could to find out how to fix it.
I learned over the last week, just what mothers are capable of.
Dad's too.
Brave faces and undying faith, that we will get answers.
That we can give it our best to fix it.
Today is a new day.
We are asking for things like waffles and iced tea again.
We want to play with our toys, and imagine we are zoo keepers.
We want to get dressed and watch Lemonade Mouth for the gazillionth time.
Pain is still hanging around.
We are managing him.
We are telling pain to take a hike.
I'm pretty sure we are on our way to making him listen.
Now the next challenge.
WAITING
For the lab reports.
For news on what's going on in her little body.
Waiting for answers on how to fix "it".
I'm exhausted but hopeful. I have to believe that we will get answers. I know there is an answer somewhere. For now, I'm rejoicing in the little victories. Wanting to eat (even if it's cookies). Wanting to drink (even if it is Pepsi). Wanting to play (even if its with her very loud and annoying talking Pony). Baby steps. Her smile alone speaks volumes of the small victories.
Pain, Pain go AWAY. Don't come back. We are so totally over you.
Happy Blogging,
Megan
