I freely and humbly admit that I was completely obnoxious on Sunday.
It occurred to me that I wrote a post about Mother's Day, and claimed that I would be the best damn mother on Mother's Day. That just didn't happen. I don't think I even tried. I don't think I even thought to try. I spent the day with bitterness boiling in my blood.
It's sad really. That I wasted the entire day feeling sorry for myself because I had to work. That I spent the entire day jealous of those mothers who actually got things like breakfast in bed or spa days. For the record my kids and the Hubbs brought flowers to my work and they got me a spa day gift card. So it wasn't that I missed out on pampering or presents, it's just that I feel like I missed out entirely. I feel like Mother's Day completely passed me by.
I try to remember that Mother's Day is very much like Valentine's Day. More hype than holiday, but for the first time in years, I spent Mother's Day doing what everyone else wanted to do. My mom was still recovering from her surgery, my grandparents did their own thing. The Hubbs and his sister took the MIL out while I was at work. My kids spent the day with everyone but their mother. When I got home, everyone in my house was relaxing and enjoying the day. I on the other hand was seething.
I did get to drop off a gift to my mother in her room at the hospital. I also left gifts for my grandma. But that was the extend of my celebrating with her. Or really celebrating all together. I went to the grocery store for some essentials. I even splurged on some coconut milk ice cream, but I'll admit that didn't even taste good. Or even sweet.
When it was finally time to call it a day, I let the guilt of wasting a day wash over me. How dare I sit back and be obnoxious and waste a day in my life? I thought of Baby Boy Bakery and how she spent this mother's day wrapped in a blanket of grief, and I sank into guilt even further. I know, I really do know, that I am incredibly lucky to have the children I have. I'm blessed to be a mother, to wear that badge, to be called the name: MOM. For no other reason than pure selfishness did I spend the day in such a funk and watched it go by. For no reason other than feeling sorry for myself did I allow myself to be an obnoxious brat.
When I admitted this to a friend via text message, she reminded me that while I am an obnoxious brat, I'm also human. I'm imperfect and flawed in so many ways that are forgivable. I needed that reminder, but as I write this, almost twenty four hours later, I'm still not ok with a Mother's Day that felt like anything but. I guess I could be really cliche and say that everyday is Mother's Day, but I'll spare you. I'll just say that at some point, some day down this long journey of motherhood I'll look back and remember that Mother's Day is what you make of it, so don't you dare waste a minute. Even if you are being an obnoxious brat, a very flawed human, and a mother who feels she missed out all at the same time.