This isn't the Elevate Conference re-cap that you are expecting. This is my journey to get to Elevate. Last week was one of the hardest I've had in a long time. The kind that make you think about turning int the towel. The kind of week that makes you question every single move you make or have made. It was the kind of week that I cried through. Every day. For a week. So I wrote this post last Tuesday with every intention of publishing it on Friday. Except, I didn't want to lead into what I knew was going to be an amazing weekend on a downer. So I saved it. In doing so I realized, it was part of my journey to Elevate this year. I cannot stress enough how much I needed Elevate this year. I've been struggling with my life and my blog this year, and I needed something, anything to help me find a better place. I needed to feel, I needed to listen, and I needed to engage. I don't have to tell you just how amazing Elevate is, but I can tell you that this year, it served me in a way that I so desperately needed. Here is part one of my Elevate recaps. Remember this is written from the perspective of someone who is about to give up. I promise, I'm so far from that place now. All thanks to Elevate.
I spent the better part of my weekend in a funk. Scratch that, I spent the better part of my weekend being bitter. And after weeks of fighting it, I'm finally comfortable enough to tell you why.
I'm not happy. Not even a little.
It took me a long time to find my footing in being a Stay at Home Mom. After almost four years of being a mom of two, I was finally at a place where it felt comfortable, successful, meaningful, and right. I was happy in my chaos. I knew exactly what I needed to do, and not do, where I needed to be, and what to do in an emergency (like oops, did I forget it's early release?). Then in January I went back to work, with all the optimism I could muster (not much). There were hiccups within the first twenty four hours. I cried more times than I will admit and when I shared my disappointments and "failures" everyone in my life said, "It will pass", "You'll get a routine", "Soon it won't be a big deal". But it's been almost six months and it's still a big deal. We still don't have a routine. It has not passed.
I used to pride myself on being happy. Happy with who I've become in the last seven years. After spending most of my life wanting to be someone else or having someone else's life, I was finally happy to have mine. I don't feel that way anymore. I find that I'm jealous and spiteful, and very, very bitter.
Friday, after having been at work from six in the morning until almost two in the afternoon, I came home and had to get ready to go volunteer at the annual school carnival. If there was a unit of measurement available to tell you how much I didn't want to go, I'd gladly share it, but there is not. It wasn't that I didn't want to take my kids, or contribute to the school, I just wanted to go home and relax. I wanted to climb into my favorite chair and watch Thursday night's Grey's Anatomy. I wanted to sit down at my laptop and click away. I wanted to curl up with a book and call it a day.
But there I was yelling at kids to "Please do not slide down the bouncy house slide two at a time and crack your brains so your parents can sue the school". The Hubbs told me my tone was a little too harsh, as I watched parents pull their kids away from my line. The Hubbs wanted to know what the problem was and I told him, "I don't want to be here", "It's very obvious", he replied. After my hour of volunteering, I did enjoy a little bit of painting with my girls, and spending tons of money on snacks that I could have found in my own pantry. Still I was happy to go home. And I was sad, that I don't enjoy things like being a part of the PTC anymore, or volunteering my time. Because I feel like any time I have these days is so precious, even if I selfishly want to spend that time on me.
In the midst of Friday night, I received a text from a friend asking what I was doing. When I told her, she said I needed to find "where my heart was happy in this season of my life". I laughed but then she said, "If I remember being a SAHM was bullshit sometimes in your eyes". That's when I told her, "Yeah but I was happy with that bullshit".
And I was. I really was happy in the bullshit that was my SAHM life, and I'll tell you why. I was more present in the bullshit and the chaos than I have ever been in my seven years of motherhood. I was more in tune and more in sync with the mundane and the everyday than I am today. In this new season of my life, I feel like life itself is passing me by. Like I'm watching it on a movie screen.
I'm missing out on this season.
And I'm really mad about that. I'm very bitter. I haven't missed anything specifically, but it's the little things you know. Like I totally screwed up Teacher Appreciation Week, by scheduling gifts for the wrong week. That seems really stupid to most, but to me, it was just another thing to add to the list of things I've royally effed up since January. I've missed dance classes, and notes home from teachers, I've forgotten to pay dance dues, and girl scout dues, and that's pretty pathetic when you are the Girl Scout leader. Some nights I miss bedtime, and those are usually the days I see them only in the morning. I miss the little things, the little victories that are so ordinary, but to my children are extraordinary.
I'm missing it. I'm missing the good, the bad and the bullshit. And while I try to maintain as positive an attitude as I can muster, something happened last weekend that just threw it all out of balance. It's like something inside of me snapped and gave way to the answer I had been looking for. The answer that said, "this season isn't for you".
People have told me that this season will pass. That soon it will all seem like a funny joke I told one time. But I'm afraid that while it passes, I'll miss out on so much of it the bitterness will just carry on into the next season. I was finally happy after so many years of not. I had finally found myself, and carved out a place in my life. I was finally comfortable. But now, now that all seems like it was just a dream. Like a funny joke I told one time.
Today is not the day to find that happy place in my heart. It doesn't happen that quickly. Perhaps I will find it in the spot where comfort meets chaos and joy intersects with the bullshit. I know my happy place is out there, I just have to find it. Or maybe it will find me.
 |
| if you think of it, Pin me. |
