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I spent New Year's Day in pants without buttons. Most of it spent in the sweats that I slept in, with yesterdays make up on, and my hair piled on my head. It was glorious. I was lucky that I didn't have to work on New Year's Day. I was able to sleep in and lounge around, and not worry about schedules or meal times or pants that button. Spending time with my family was the best way to end the year and begin the year, I was lucky enough to do both.
I've spent last few days reflecting on the last year. It was a hard one. Full of obstacles and missteps. It was my first year as a working mom, after all these years of motherhood, and it wasn't easy. In fact it was harder than I anticipated. I thought I knew all about hard work, I realize now I had no idea. Twenty fourteen was a year filled with guilt and self loathing, depression that I will admit lead to some dark days. I also squandered some days, lost in haze of feeling sorry for myself, as if I was the only person in the world that was a working mother. I'm embarrassed to admit that, but it's very true.
When I looked back on my year I realized that I didn't do all the things that I had planned, but really who every does? I still haven't been able to make my way through Pride and Prejudice. I never did learn to knit. I never reestablished my workout routine and I rarely washed my face before bedtime. Whoops. But were those the actual important things on my to-do list for twenty fourteen? Not really. They were just the extras.
If I squint I can really see the good things that came out of twenty fourteen. My girls were healthy and happy. We went to Downtown Disney after a great weekend at Elevate. I went to Elevate and met some amazing women and reconnected with bloggy friends that I love deeply. I read book after wonderful book, losing myself in their worlds. I worked, really hard and wouldn't you know it, I got promoted. Some of those things were planned and some of those things were not. But all of them were welcomed and tell a story much different from the one I was telling in my head.
I think that is what we do. We tell one story, when really another is playing out before us. I have many regrets from this year. Most of them have to do with my own attitude, my own reluctance to move forward and embrace the life I had, instead of worry about the one I "wanted". I spent so much time in a funk over the summer, that one day I woke up and the first day of school was just days away. It was no fault of my own, but it was also a valuable lesson.
Twenty fifteen is here, and though I wasn't ready, it came anyway. I realize now that this year is only as good as I make it. I can't expect to have a spectacular and successful year if I'm not going to do anything about it. I can't sit in a chair, lost in a sea of my own worries and expect to make twenty fifteen a great year. I have to act, I have to choose, I have to get out of the chair and live.
It's with resolve that I will do that. With resolve I will get out of my chair. With resolve I will write, even if it's just a few lines a day on the back of a napkin. With resolve I will embrace all the missteps and chaotic mornings, the tears, the torn tights, and the chicken nugget dinners. It's with resolve that I will let go of all the bullshit, and only allow in all the good shit. Because twenty fifteen will be about resolve. Resolve is about finding solutions, it's about deciding on a course of action, it's about a firm determination to do something. Resolve seems like just the thing to guide me through twenty fifteen.
Every year I set lofty goals. Like I want to write a book, I want to lose ten pounds, I want to wash my face before bed. And every year, about February, I start to feel bad about myself. This year my only goal is to have resolve. To resolve to choose joy, to choose hope, to choose love, to choose grace. To resolve to meet every obstacle face to face and find a way to go through it or around it or over it. To resolve to live a happier life, the one that is happening around me, to ignore the "should be"s and just be. So that next year I'll look back and know, I did everything I could to make it count, with resolve.