Resolutions and stuff

I did something to start this year that I rarely do... I went back and read my "resolutions" blog post that kicked off 2015. I was kind of scared. Do any of us really stick to our resolutions? Do any of us keep working out or eating well past January 31st? I broke into a small sweat as I began to read my "resolutions", worried that I hadn't accomplished anything I'd hoped in 2015.

Guess what? Maybe I hadn't stuck to all of my "guns", but I did, for the most part live out that major resolution, that "one little word" I was hoping would guide me last year. You can read about finding my heart of flesh here, but today I'm going to talk about living out my word for 2015. Last year I picked "resolve". I wanted to have resolve in 2015, like a quote I had found that basically stated, "Resolve to let got of everything that isn't making your life better". Can I get an Amen to that? I ended my post last year with this,

"So that next year I'll look back and know, I did everything I could to make it count, with resolve"

I did that you guys. To the best of my knowledge I lived every bit of my life with resolve. I left that job, that no matter what I did, wasn't making me happy. Then I left another job that I knew was a mistake. I cut out a lot of fat and fluff so that I could make working part time work for us. I chose joy and hope and happiness more than I chose to wallow. I swear my 2014 word should have been "wallow", because as sad as it sounds, that mostly what I did. I knew that I had to make some serious attitude adjustments in 2015, and I'm so thankful that I did.

When I sat down to think about what I really wanted out of 2016, I kept going back to the same goal. I wanted to write. It seems every year, since I started this blog, my year resolution has included writing. This year especially it seems like writing is what my heart is demanding. While I was living 2015 with resolve, I was also living 2015 away from the keyboard. It's funny but I have little regret about that. There were days that I could have sat in front of my laptop or PC and hammered out some words, but they would have been forced. You would have noticed. There were days where I wrote my heart out, but never hit publish. It was just stuff, just words and nothing more. The truth is that most days, I was just living, with little to no thought about what was happening or not happening on this blog. So days passed, nothing was posted, and at some point I became okay with that. I posted 82 lonely posts in 2015, less than I did in 2011 (100) when I first started this blog, and way less than 2013 (234) when I felt my blog was at it's peak.

So this year my one resolution and my "one little word" is going to be WRITE. Just write. Write it all out. Type it, color it, use a marker or a crayon. I just want to be stringing words along, enough to wrap them around myself like the most comfortable blanket. I want to type, to make music with the pitter patter of the keys. I want to scribble in margins, use highlighters to make corrections, I want fingers stained with ink. I want to write and hit publish. I want to write and never publish. I just want to write. Everyday if possible, even if it's just a lonely sentence about what I ate today.

via Pinterest

I saw this quote the other day that said we don't need resolutions. It said that resolutions imply that there is continuously something wrong with who we are. As if to imply that something is wrong with how we live day to day. I can see that. Why do we feel the compulsion to change ourselves every January? On the flip side, to resolve to do better, to live better, to love better, can never be a bad thing. How can any resolution to make yourself feel better be a bad thing? Maybe resolutions are crap, and maybe picking a word every year is a dumb thing bloggers do to motivate their readers, but I'm doing it anyway. I'm picking a word, and I resolve to do more of that word. Even when I'm tired. Even when I'm busy. Even on February 1st, 2016, when all my friends have forgotten about the gym, the Whole 30 recipes, and the no screen time rules. I'm going to keep writing, even if I never hit that orange publish button that haunts me.

Because even bad writing is still writing.

With Resolve {2015}

source / pinterest

I spent New Year's Day in pants without buttons. Most of it spent in the sweats that I slept in, with yesterdays make up on, and my hair piled on my head. It was glorious. I was lucky that I didn't have to work on New Year's Day. I was able to sleep in and lounge around, and not worry about schedules or meal times or pants that button. Spending time with my family was the best way to end the year and begin the year, I was lucky enough to do both.

I've spent last few days reflecting on the last year. It was a hard one. Full of obstacles and missteps. It was my first year as a working mom, after all these years of motherhood, and it wasn't easy. In fact it was harder than I anticipated. I thought I knew all about hard work, I realize now I had no idea. Twenty fourteen was a year filled with guilt and self loathing, depression that I will admit lead to some dark days. I also squandered some days, lost in haze of feeling sorry for myself, as if I was the only person in the world that was a working mother. I'm embarrassed to admit that, but it's very true.

When I looked back on my year I realized that I didn't do all the things that I had planned, but really who every does? I still haven't been able to make my way through Pride and Prejudice. I never did learn to knit. I never reestablished my workout routine and I rarely washed my face before bedtime. Whoops. But were those the actual important things on my to-do list for twenty fourteen? Not really. They were just the extras.

If I squint I can really see the good things that came out of twenty fourteen. My girls were healthy and happy. We went to Downtown Disney after a great weekend at Elevate. I went to Elevate and met some amazing women and reconnected with bloggy friends that I love deeply. I read book after wonderful book, losing myself in their worlds. I worked, really hard and wouldn't you know it, I got promoted. Some of those things were planned and some of those things were not. But all of them were welcomed and tell a story much different from the one I was telling in my head.

I think that is what we do. We tell one story, when really another is playing out before us. I have many regrets from this year. Most of them have to do with my own attitude, my own reluctance to move forward and embrace the life I had, instead of worry about the one I "wanted". I spent so much time in a funk over the summer, that one day I woke up and the first day of school was just days away. It was no fault of my own, but it was also a valuable lesson.

Twenty fifteen is here, and though I wasn't ready, it came anyway. I realize now that this year is only as good as I make it. I can't expect to have a spectacular and successful year if I'm not going to do anything about it. I can't sit in a chair, lost in a sea of my own worries and expect to make twenty fifteen a great year. I have to act, I have to choose, I have to get out of the chair and live.

It's with resolve that I will do that. With resolve I will get out of my chair. With resolve I will write, even if it's just a few lines a day on the back of a napkin. With resolve I will embrace all the missteps and chaotic mornings, the tears, the torn tights, and the chicken nugget dinners. It's with resolve that I will let go of all the bullshit, and only allow in all the good shit. Because twenty fifteen will be about resolve. Resolve is about finding solutions, it's about deciding on a course of action, it's about a firm determination to do something. Resolve seems like just the thing to guide me through twenty fifteen.

Every year I set lofty goals. Like I want to write a book, I want to lose ten pounds, I want to wash my face before bed. And every year, about February, I start to feel bad about myself. This year my only goal is to have resolve. To resolve to choose joy, to choose hope, to choose love, to choose grace. To resolve to meet every obstacle face to face and find a way to go through it or around it or over it. To resolve to live a happier life, the one that is happening around me, to ignore the "should be"s and just be. So that next year I'll look back and know, I did everything I could to make it count, with resolve.