Five not on Friday {nine-six-twentyfifteen}

It's been way too long since I've buckled down and written anything other than a grocery list. I want to tell you that I feel bad about that, but the truth is, I don't. Sometimes you have to be present in your life to really be able to write about what captures your heart. I've been doing that. I've been living, I've been present, I've been taking a long look about what is important. So finally for you dear readers, a little about me and what I've been doing these past few weeks.

One: 

School has been in session for two weeks and I have yet to write a recap, like a real mom blogger would. So here is the recap your are going to get, right in the middle of another recap. Whatever, it's working for now. 

We are back to school. Caitlin is loving third grade and I'm trying to wrap my brain around having a third grader. We are treading lightly on the fashion police this year and I've let her pick out her own outfits as evidenced by the picture below. My fight is gone and her ass is covered. I consider that a win/win. Plus on the mornings where we are not fighting about clothes, we are talking about books or watching Victorious on Teen nick and laughing at the ridiculousness of the show. That time wither her, is more important to me than arguing about pattern mixing and wedges verses flats. Trust me. 

Disclaimer: The second day of school outfits were coordinated by the wearer. 

This mother takes no fashion responsibility whatsoever. 

 

As you can see these first day outfits are much more in line with "fashion police" guidelines. 

However I'm going to continue to say nothing, since I like my mornings happy and pleasant. 

Mac started kindergarten with much fanfare, but only from her parents. We made a big deal out of "the baby" going to school. Kindergarten seemed like years away, and now that it is upon us, I realize it's all down hill from here. On the first day she was a little nervous, and I did my best to down play that. She did really good until we had to say goodbye and then she cried a little. She made the face she makes when she is trying to be brave not cry. But the tears spilled over and my eyes teared up too. Not because I was sad, but because I knew what those tears meant. She knew she was going to miss mom, and I knew that I was going to miss my little shadow that I've had these past few years while big sister was in school. It's funny how you try and down play a milestone, knowing that as they grow older the milestones are fewer and farther between.

So far so good if you ignore the cold that Mac brought home and the disaster about spirit shirts that first week. For the record, why have spirit shirts at all? Is this just another test for harried mothers who will forget until the night before? I don't know about you, but I'm on a every two weeks laundry schedule and spirit shirts rarely fit in. 

 

Two: 

I've fallen in love with running again. I'll be honest, when I'm running I hate it. In school I was never a runner. Actually I've never much loved exercise in general, but the rumours are true. Running is the best stress reliever. There is something about pounding the pavement and letting go of all your worries while you run for your life. I blame my neighbor, but really I'd go without her these days. It makes me feel good about myself, even on the days my jeans are tighter than the last time I put them on. 

Post 2 mile run. This is my, "I can't feel my legs" smile. 

Three: 

I made a promise to myself that I would write more this summer. I failed. I just wanted to put that out there. There are few reasons why I gave myself writers block this summer, but only one sticks out the most. There was a blog post I read by a popular blogger with a gazillion followers. She wrote that many readers hate recaps that use Instagram photos because if they follow you on Instagram then they have already seen them. Touche. In that moment, I realized that in my effort to write more this summer, I was planning on picking one Instagram picture a day to write about. Well how boring for you, am I right? This really sidelined me, and I felt at a loss for inspiration, but also stifled. Now I just feel dumb, because who cares? Some of my Instagram pictures tell a longer story than Instagram will allow. Sometimes I get re inspired when I save the pictures to my computer and think that there is more to the story. Why did I let this get to me? Who knows. I've had a lot of excuses this summer, because I always want to have engaging content. It took me the better part of a month to realize that I really do write for myself. And if I want to regram, overgram, or Instagram, then you all will have to bare with me until I have something better to talk about. 

I could write an entire blog post on things that I post on Instagram that I think are funny.

So instead of worry that I'm going to bore you, I'm going to post them anyway.

Four: 

I'm going back to Pier 1 on Tuesday. Am I crazy? A little. My journey with the local bridal shop has come to an end. To be honest, it was over before it started. I did my best to hang in there, but there were a number of things I couldn't ignore, one of them being the feeling in my gut that this was not the place for me. I feel like I've lived or violated all the cliches this summer, but that's not the worst thing in the world. I never want to be a walking cliche, but sometimes the lessons are well meaning. I did learn a lot, about myself, about the kind of business I want to be in, where I thrive as an associate and as a manager. I'm not going to be a manager when I return to Pier 1, just a part time associate, and typing that feels really good. I've missed my team of people, but I also missed being really good at a job. I missed being given the opportunity to thrive. So I asked to go back and I start Tuesday. The best part, besides the part time schedule, I get to wear jeans. Jeans. Don't worry, I"ll be sure to take a selfie in my apron. 

 And here is a selfie. Because why not?

Five: 

This blog. I've ignored this blog for two weeks. With good reason. Last summer I missed so much of my life. My kids life. My husbands life. I was so bitter about all the things I was missing and I spent time away from them not just at work, but also writing. Most of that writing was forced. A lot of that writing was terrible because it was forced. This summer and the beginning of school I took the time I needed. I took the time I wanted. I spent time totally immersed in motherhood. I tried to keep up some housework which is really rare for me. I made lunches the night before and cleaned out closets. I planned for meals and set a grocery budget. I read like eleven books this summer, two of them with my girls. I sat around and watched TV with the Hubbs and thoroughly enjoyed myself. So the writing could wait. The writing had to wait. Honestly there wasn't anything I wanted to write about that was more important that just living. And that feels really good to type. Some days I'm a writer, some days I'm a wife, some days I'm a mother, but most days I'm just a human who enjoys the finer things in life. Like Instagram for example.

On my thirty seventh birthday

On my thirty seventh birthday I took a selfie. Because I had some good hair happening. And because despite my five thirty a.m. wake up call, I was happy. See that. I'm smiling. And I meant it.

On my thirty seventh birthday I spent my morning at Muffins with Mom. With both of my daughters, enjoying specially made gluten free and paleo muffins. I spent three days baking to make it there, and got up a half hour early to make it on time, but it was worth the smiles. It was also worth watching Caitlin be so proud as she told everyone around us that today was "Mommy's Birthday". My celebration was just getting started.

On my thirty seventh birthday my husband brought flowers home. Which isn't unusual because he's been known to do so. It's just the fact that he continues to do it, because I forget all about them after the first twenty four hours. Then he is left to water them until we both eventually let them die. Regardless, him bringing me flowers never gets old.

On my thirty seventh birthday I spent the afternoon with a room full of second graders and one preschooler. There is something special in the memories made when your little sister comes to class. There is also something extra special when you are the little sister that gets to participate in Heads Up Seven Up. I loved that the class totally accepted Mackenzie as one of their own.

On my thirty seventh I was proud to show off Gluten Free Twinkies that I made using a cake mix and a Twinkies pan. I was proud that I was tasked with coming up with the gluten free alternative for my daughter. It made me feel like I was one of those mothers who did such things from scratch. It's been awhile since I've felt like a super mom. The GF Twinkies were a hit, especially since it was the main ingredient in the Rabbit Racers, made by Caitlin's second grade class.

On my thirty seventh birthday I spent it with this guy, and the little family we have made together. Along with my parents we ate our hearts out at Cheesecake Factory. We laughed and talked and told the girls to calm down a million and one times. We enjoyed each other's company, and then we shopped until we almost dropped. I couldn't have planned a better evening out.

On my thirty seventh birthday I asked my Dad to buy me this CD. Because I knew he would, and because I remember listening to Hall and Oates with my Dad on our trips to Monterey after school for salt water taffy and fried calamari. Because when I was seven I knew all the words to Private Eyes. Because so much of my memories are set to music and that is all because of my Dad. Thanks, Dad.

On my thirty seventh birthday I was spoiled. Completely. By friends, family and co-workers. I was treated to a card with a posh bear riding an old timey tricycle. I got flowers and gift cards to Target. I went out to a fabulous dinner. I wore Toms and jeans all day. I spent the day with my girls, having muffins and building Rabbit Racers. I enjoyed a Starbucks and some coconut milk ice cream. I knew thirty seven would feel so much like thirty six. Just another year older, with not much changing. Thirty seven is not a major milestone year, but that doesn't take away its importance. Thirty seven a gift of another year. Another year of hopes and dreams and wishes. Another year to live and love and laugh and feel.

On my thirty seventh birthday I turned a year older, and instead of feeling sad about getting old, I felt happier than ever. Which has been the ultimate gift.

Currently {life recap}

Currently...

I'm wearing some of my spring wardrobe. I know, I know, half the country is under a frozen tundra, but not here. Fresno has had some beautiful days, and so it's time to lighten the mood with some pastels.

I'm saying goodbye and missing my best friend. She moved, if you hadn't heard, to Montana of all places. But I'm genuinely happy for her, and I can't wait to visit her new home. It's just weird that when I call her, she's in a different time zone. She also sent me a text today with a new phone number, that has a different area code. One day soon, this will all seem so incredibly normal.

I'm making Gluten Free doughnuts from a Gluten Free cake mix. Yes, from a cake mix. My daughter loved them so much next time we are going to try a chocolate cake mix. I have to mention that the flip side of these doughnuts look a little ugly, but I'm pretty sure frosting will take care of that. Check out the recipe, here, and don't worry about any modifications because a GF cake mix is a few ounces lighter than a regular cake mix. I just followed the directions to the letter, and they came out just fine. Caitlin approved with some nutella on top.

I'm finishing Amy Poehler's book, Yes Please. It was everything I expected it to be and more. Amy is amazing, and I want to grow up to be just like her. I'm pretty sure if we met in real life we would be best friends. Also there is an amazing chapter in her book written by Seth Myers that will make you cry like a baby. Her thoughts on motherhood and career are on point. Should you read this book? Uh, Yes. Please.

I'm watching television on my favorite night of the week. Shonda Rhimes is a genius. Grey's, Scandal, and now How To Get Away with Murder? This is a quote from the legendary Cicely Tyson! I mean watching a living legend, who looks like some one's great grandma deliver a line about some one's "V"? Amazing, just amazing!

I'm crossing this book off my "To Read" list. I finally started and finished Pride and Prejudice. And wouldn't you know it, I LOVED IT! Which is to say, that I at one point stopped reading, closed the book, and asked myself, WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG? I mean Mr. Darcy, I dare say, what a man to fall in love with. I get it now. I totally get it and it has inspired me to read other period novels that I have never read. I'm not afraid of the language anymore. After two years of this book being on my "New Year's Resolution" list, it feels so damn good to cross it off.

What's new with you? What are you doing, currently?

The Staycation {January 2015}

I didn't realize how truly burned out I was until the week school started after New Year's. I felt like I had been running on that hamster wheel of motherhood, moving my legs so quickly with no where to really go, and I was finally at the point where I was exhausted. Exhausted and bitter. A month before I had requested the weekend of January 16th off because it coincided with the Hubbs birthday, but of course I had almost forgotten about that by the time it got here. I realized that I was at a point where I just wanted to be quiet. I wanted to be left alone. I wanted to sleep.

Really, I just needed most was to recharge.

I had big plans for my four day weekend. I was going to write and blog. I was going to catch up on all my favorite TV shows. I was going to read all three of my new books. I was going to do laundry and grocery shop and be lazy and not wear any make up. Big plans for doing what I wanted to do, for doing what I need to do, but then something kind of amazing happened.

I didn't really do any of them. I sat on the couch with the Hubbs and watched some pretty great movies and TV shows. Not the ones piled up on the DVR, but whatever we found while sitting there together. I held my baby, who will be five this year, in my lap while I read that one book she wants to read every single night. I held her hand, that is still so impossibly small, and knew that this wouldn't be forever. And I had to take a moment to embrace it, to recognize that time doesn't stop moving forward.

I laid on the floor of my bathroom while the girls painted my toe nails. Making a mess of the bathroom and me. Because they had been begging to do it for months, and I had plum run out of excuses. I knew they would make a mess. I knew that at some point one of them would spill polish that would never come out of the cream colored bathroom rug. I knew that eventually one of the girls would spill the polish remover all over the floor. I expected to have polish all over my toe nails and feet. But what I didn't expect was how much they would enjoy making this mess. How much fun they would have talking to me like I was a "Client". Do you have children? Would you like to pick a color Miss? Where do you work? I never expected to lay in the floor and relax, taking in the deep breath of motherhood and ignoring the smell of polish and acetone, while my hostesses pampered and prepped. I didn't realize that all they wanted their mother to do was to slow down and say yes. Yes to making mess. Yes to ruining a ten year old bath mat that had seen better days. Yes to being one hundred and ten percent in the moment.

It will come as no surprise that I didn't do one stitch of writing. That I opened my laptop maybe once. That I put my phone down for most of those days. Only picking it up to take pictures of the little memories we were making of the mundane. If I would have asked, they would have let me. Let me write in the corner of the kitchen table, at the bar, or even in our office. They would have let me shut the door and listen to Pandora, and get a pretty good chunk of writing done for me and this blog. But I didn't ask. I just let it go. I just let it be. I wanted to take the time I was given and enjoy every drop. To be with my girls and take selfies of us being alive. Of us breathing. Of us relaxing because Mommy didn't have to work for four whole days and nights.

When the staycation ended and we went back to real life, I was quite a bit behind. I wrote a few things, but before I knew it, I felt rushed all over again. I don't want to feel rushed. I don't want to ignore one life for the other. So I did what I should have been doing for years. Let go. Release some of the guilt and let life be my guide. Does it really matter that I have a list of things to write about? Does it matter that I'm reading two books at the same time with no desire to finish either? Does it really matter that we are knee deep in life again with laundry and dishes waiting at the ready? It doesn't, not really.  It took a vacation from the obligations for me to realize that I really need to enjoy what really matters, living the life I've always wanted. This life right here.

Honestly, it's been staring me in the face this whole time, and it's finally time time to pay attention.

It's really over

I finally took down my tree tonight. I actually had an excuse, family was coming in from Salinas to celebrate Christmas and exchange gifts, so the tree needed to stay. Honestly, if I had my way, I wouldn't take it down until Valentine's Day. The holidays came and went so quickly this year, and that was totally bittersweet, because retail at Christmas sucks, but Christmas with your family does not. So tonight, as I type, my tree is bare, save for the star I cannot reach, and by the time I come home tomorrow it will be gone, stored in it's box in the garage.

I ended twenty fourteen and began twenty fifteen the same way, off the "grid" and with family. New Year's Eve was spent at home, with my people and a few neighbors. I spent most of the time on the couch periodically checking and posting to Instagram, crushing candies (yes addicted again), and pinning things that I will never make. We toasted the new year at midnight and shortly after that were asleep. And sleep we did, waking up at almost noon on New Years Day. It felt so good to spend a full day in pajamas, eating left overs and donut holes and Christmas cookies. We eventually left the house to see family and friends, ending the night with good friends who feel like family. I even wrote a little, which I will admit felt really good.

I've done so much reflecting, goal planning, and all around thinking about twenty fifteen. What will this year be like for me and my little family. How will year two as a working mom work out? Will I be able to fit more writing in this year? I have a new planner, full of empty days and pages, that won't stay blank for very long, and that is okay. I look forward to filling them with life, look less forward to filling them with obligations, but will do my best to find the joy in all the bullshit that may come my way. I think that is what really matters, choosing life, choosing joy, actually choosing this life and finding the joy in it. Because if I really think about twenty fourteen, I can see all the joy through all the bullshit. I can see that there were some really good moments, some really excellent memories made, and some really powerful life that we lived. I may have not seized every day, but I lived it, I survived it, and now on the other side I know exactly how I want to spent my days in twenty fifteen.

Smiling. Living. Laughing. Loving. Regardless of the bullshit.

Because it's really over. That year that I have deemed the hardest year of my life. Twenty fourteen is really over. And year wasn't the hardest, it was just really challenging. I bet this year is going to be really challenging too, because aren't all the years really challenging?

Today, as I packed away the ornaments, pulling them one at a time off the tree, Mackenzie stood beside me and cried. Cried hard, big tears and loud sobs. She begged me not to take down the tree, and my heart broke a little. Because I didn't want it to be over either. I wanted Christmas to last forever, which seems so ridiculous since it was such a hard season for me, and for us. I wanted to hold on to every last bit of twenty fourteen, even though it was so incredibly hard, which should tell me something about this incredibly hard year...

It was good. It was worth holding on to. It was worth every bit of difficulty.

So as I turn off the lights on my tree one last time, I say goodnight, and goodbye to twenty fourteen. It's really over.

And I'm finally okay with that.

What about that weekend though?

When I left work on Friday afternoon, I did so with a little more swing in my step. You see, I was walking away from the busy world of Thanksgiving decor and Christmas ornaments; and into the world of a three day weekend. What's that you say? A three day weekend? Well, that's almost unheard of in retail... Almost.

Saturday morning was spent blissfully on the couch. That was after a six thirty wake up call from my oldest who suddenly forgot it was mommy's first day to not have to wake up by alarm clock in over a month. I tried to be cool about it, but truth is I threw a fit and went and got into Mac's bed since there is a black out screen on her window. I got about an extra hour and a half. Then I got up and served a respectful breakfast of Oreos and Sweet tea and parked my ass on the couch. In a blanket. In last nights make-up, with zero intentions of moving. It was wonderful. It was bliss. I even read a book on my Kindle. 

But there was a home game and Daddy's Fraternity Alumni tailgate, and I have to be honest it wasn't on my list. All I wanted to do was to stay home and be lazy, and make a permanent dent in my couch. So I split the difference. The girls and I got decked out in our Fresno State gear and went to the tailgate for a few hours. It was nice, they were good, and right as the sun started to go down we got out of there.

On our way home we stopped at Whole Foods, and filled our baskets with too many prepared foods and expensive gluten free treats. The girls used their own mini baskets and I said yes to almost everything. Because it was that kind of day. We listened to Christmas music in the car, and I even let a person merge into my lane... I slowed down even. And it didn't go unnoticed. Caitlin remarked, "Mommy you must be really happy because you let that car do that and you didn't even yell". My reputation precedes me. 

Today I spent the day making tamales and sugar cookies with these ladies. It was wonderful in so many ways, because Sandi, my mom's best friend taught me the ways of the sugar cookie. That is a whole different post on it's own, but today was special in all the ways you would want it to be. And I'm tired and there are still dishes to be washed, and everyone had a tamale lunch and a sugar cookie dinner. I'm so tired as I type, but there is no other place I would have rather been today. Today really reinforced the idea of living in that moment. Even when you are tired. Even when you'd rather sleep. Even if you have other chores at hand. This moment, the one I had today, was the one that will make those lasting memories. 

I was even able to sneak in some cuddles with this guy. He is totally grabbing my boob in this picture, but if that ain't romance I don't know what it. I've missed these weekends. The kind where we do everything and nothing and it's all of the same importance. I miss being with my family all day, taking it slow, ignoring things like time. These kinds of weekends have become few and far between. So this is a weekend for the books. The last full one I will probably get until January. Trust me, I will be squeezing every ounce of joy out of this one.

Life Lately {october twenty fourteen}

I realize October doesn't end for another week, but I feel like if I don't get this post up now, I never will. So here is to the October that was here one day and gone the next.

You know how you can tell that you are the second child? You wear your sister's hand me down dress and hair pretty for school pictures. In my defense, she had the same dress, but she out grew it. After arguing with her about wearing a dress that is two sizes too small, I pulled sisters out of the hand me down pile. She was happy and I didn't have to spend any more money.

A Sunday off. Tis a luxury. So much so that I didn't even shower, wash my face or brush my teeth. The Hubbs said let's go and so we went. I did manage to wear pants that buttoned. But it was a luxury to have the day with my favorite people.

These two. Trying to sneak a peek at Daddy trying on pants at Old Navy. He kept yelling to keep the curtain closed. I was dying!

I swear to Anne of Green Gables if I see that October quote one more time...

Picture day for my big girl. Oh the style. Yes, a string of pearls are perfect for second grade pictures. And can we talk about the pose. She has asked for a fashion blog. I don't think my ego can take all the hits she would get!

Bulldog foot ball style. It was over ninety degrees when Fresno State decided that a night in navy blue was a good idea. I bought this shirt at Walgreen's and took the scissors to it. I kept cutting and cutting, until I think I got it right. Fashionable, but not slutty. I should take a picture of all the slutty t-shirts at the game.

I wrote about my farewell committee, but I just had to post this picture again. I mean look at these girls. Fresh out of bed. The Hubbs too, I'm pretty sure he's wondering who's idea this was.

What you don't see in this picture is me laughing so hard I'm crying. The Hubbs hates when I make him take selfies when we are just having a regular day. So here we are running errands and I keep trying to snap a pic. I'm trying to be all sly, when all of a sudden he grabs my arm and starts pulling me so my other hand with the phone will shake. I'm laughing so hard, trying to tell him to keep his eyes on the road. Still got the picture though... Nailed it.

This happy girl. Hey Caitlin want to take a picture. She only answers with a pose.

One of my insta-friends tagged me to Stop Drop and Selife. Don't mind if I do.

Hey Mackenzie, ear muffs are not necessary when it's still ninety in Fresno. Also check out that Olaf photo bomb. When we go to Target, we bring our A game.

Yeah I know. Just a picture of my bags. But this is some real life shaz. I'm eating my breakfast in the car. In the school parking lot. Because I've tried to eat and drive and it gets a little scary. Also it's a rare moment that I can slow down. It begged to be documented.

Pizza night with the Girl Scouts and well, what can I say. The man tries to get out of every picture. I take them anyway.

As many of you know I work at Pier 1. Awesome right. Except when you get your first official shipment of Christmas. This is after we had been opening things for an hour. There are also boxes inside the building. This was the weekend to end all retail weekends. I've never been so tired in my life.

It's been awhile since an #ootd, so here goes my preppy look. It's also my Saturday and I have to close look. It's also an I haven't done laundry in two weeks look.

So daddy took these two kids to the fair and they won three fish between the two of them. Let's not talk about how much was spent trying to win said fish, but fish were won. I used the hashtag #deadinaweek to which the Hubbs replied the next day #deadin24hours. We lost poor "Golden". Daddy had to flush him the next day. We then made the kids wait an entire week before we bought a real tank, because they were thirty dollars. Thirty dollars and what if they died a week later. They are still alive and in a new home. A beautiful thirty dollar home.

They love doughnuts. A lot. The sprinkles really do it for me though.

Hey Mac. Let's take a selfie and show off those piggy tails. OKAY!

The sweetest blogger in the world sent me a little piece of Arizona, since I can't be in Arizona with her. Chrissy, from Let me See You Sparkle is the kindest most inspiring blogger I have met, and yes, we have met in real life at Elevate. I'm a sucker for mug swaps and so The Freshly Brewed hosted one and as luck would have it I got Chrissy. It was so fun to send a package to her.

Little Miss in her apron with the Sunday paper. "Mom, I'll walk you out". Thanks baby. Love you too.

I loath birthday parties at bouncy places. So having to go to one on my only day off at six thirty at night no less was not the business. But then motherhood took over, and watching this one over come her fear of the "Big One" was totally worth it. By the end of the night she was going down the big slide alone. 

A sweet afternoon lunch on a Saturday with these lovelies. After a trip to Old Navy, and a nap while watching Harry Potter, which made for an amazing day. I could stare at their faces all day.

Friday after school selfies are my jam. We are so happy to be out of school and work for the weekend. And a promised trip to Target ain't half bad either.

This kid is circling things in the newest American Girl catalog. Just in case Santa needs it. She was here for over a half hour. I hate to break it to her, but Santa bought Disneyland tickets...

October has been very good to us. Even if it seems like I blinked and it's almost November. Honestly I work in retail so from the looks of my store, it's the middle of December. How was your October? Link up your October recap in your comment.