And the battle continues

Our Saturdays are now filled with dance classes.
And sometimes smiles

Some relationships are a constant battle.  A journey.  More marathon than sprint.  Some relationships no matter how hard you try, are still going to be a trial on your heart.  This is still my lament with my oldest daughter.
Saturday morning was filled with tears and shouts and parenting tactical maneuvers. We should have gone to bed earlier on Friday night. We should have set our alarms earlier for Saturday morning. We should have started our morning with cuddles instead of shouts and tears. We should have, we should have, we should have...
Instead we cried about brushing our teeth too hard and drawing blood from a tooth that refuses to come out.  We cried about having to wear our hair in a braid.  We cried about having to wear socks with our shoes.  We cried about having to eat a granola bar in the car instead of cereal at the table.  We cried because we had to hurry, we cried because we were crying, we cried because mommy had her mad face.
While I watched my oldest in her dance class, I reminded myself, and prepared myself for the many Saturdays to come.  I reminded myself that life with this one has always been a battle.  Since the countless efforts to breastfeed, sleep train, to drop off at preschool.  There has been a battle at every turn, a challenge to climb every mountain.  From the very beginning I have been quick to lose my temper, quick to throw in the towel, quick to admit defeat.  Defeat in motherhood and defeat in myself.  From the very beginning I have wanted perfection, in an inhumane and absolute way.  And yet, after all these years, all the experiences, all the battles, I still for some reason expect more.  More from her and more from me.  How can it be that I still have not learned this one lesson?
Caitlin in my challenging child.  She is more like me than she will ever know.  She sets her expectations so high, just like her Mommy.  The problem is that her expectations and my expectations don't ever align.  I'm learning.  I'm trying to identify that.  I'm trying to accept that.  I love her.  I love her in a way that is so astonishing and so selfless, it's frightening.  I love her in a way that I want to be perfect for her, I want to make things perfect for her.  After all this time, I'm sure that this will be my battle for the rest of her life.  It's perhaps this battle that drives the other battles we tend to set before us.  Caitlin is my challenging child, but it's not her fault, I think it's mine.
I took a picture of her after dance because I wanted to remember the morning.  Even though it wasn't one of our better ones.  I want to remember the battles.  I want to remember how I felt.  I want to have it to remind myself that with all the tears and loud voices, I am still blessed to have this amazing girl in my life.  That life has been just that since the day she was born, amazing.  Caitlin and I have had our dark days, we've had some bright days, we've had some blessed days.  I took a picture and thought, this is perfect, this is what perfect should look like.  Because only you, yourself, can define perfection.
And on Saturday I needed the reminder.  

School makes the heart grow fonder

  School started yesterday.  For both girls.  I dropped Mac at Preschool and then Caitlin to first grade.  All before nine o'clock in the morning.  You want to know what I did?   Nothing.  

Yes, I bought this and read it.
Without interruption.

  That's right.  Nothing.  I went home.  I ate breakfast in silence.  No one asked for more iced tea.  No one said they hated waffles or pancakes or both.  I sat in the recliner in front of our TV, and while CNN droned in the background I played Candy Crush on my phone.  Then I happened upon a documentary, and I watched it, in it's entirety, with swear words and live births and all.  Then I went to Walmart, and did not, I repeat, did not walk down one single toy aisle.  I bought the newest People Mag, not because Kate was on it, but because I knew I could read it, from cover to cover, in one hour.  And I did.   

Mac's first day WIW picture

  It's been a long time since I've had a guilt free spare moment.  One that I enjoyed recklessly.  With dishes in the sink, and laundry waiting to fold.  It's been years since I watched anything other than Nick Jr that early in the morning.  I was so at a loss at mid day, I almost watched reruns of Jessie on the Disney channel.  What's even on daytime TV anymore?  And while my heart is forever tied to my little lovelies, that small, sweet taste of freedom was blissful.  A few moments all for me.  I didn't even blog or check my email.  I just sat, and savored, and enjoyed it.   There is something to be said for finally finding your independence.  Even admitting that you want an ounce of independence while you are a mother is a novel idea.  Who would admit that?  Well, me.  I'm admitting it.  It's only taken about six years to finally say, that there are days where it's would be nice to think just for myself again.  As moms, we rarely think for ourselves.  We are always a second thought, third if we are feeling cordial towards our spouses.  For all the days where you are the boss, the leader, the nurse, the taxi driver, the chef, the maid; there is something sweet about being all of those things to just yourself.  I'm sure independence looks different on everyone.  Just like motherhood, we all carry our own lose definition.  But it's just as sweet, no matter what it looks like.  

Caitlin's first day WIW pic
Hair pretties by Kristine at The Foley Fam Unedited

  The best part of yesterday was that after school was not overwhelming.  I was ready for them to come home.  My living room didn't look like it's usual disaster area.  Dinner was prepped.  Groceries were not a task to still be tackled.  I was overjoyed to have my girls back home.  Even when they started fighting over the iPad less than an hour after arriving home.  Because absence really does make the heart grow fonder.  Back to school gave me a chance to regroup.  To be ready for a long day and night while Daddy travels for work.  To not have to tackle 110 things after the school bell rings.  To take some time to read a book, watch a movie, and eat a meal, with and without my girls.   Today, I have done more of the same.  And yet today seems harder to really enjoy those moments bliss.  I had dishes to do, and laundry to fold.  Mac cried this morning, I guess she's not quite sure about this school thing.  I've got the post office on the agenda, and a trip for new ballet shoes.  Yet, I'm here, almost guiltily.  Enjoying the quiet while I write.  Savoring the last few bits of me time before afterschool pick up.  Because I've only got about two more hours of thinking for myself.   Except, any mom knows, I'm only thinking about my kids.     PS: I try to respond to my comments via email. I'm slowing working on that. But I have read every one, love that you comment, and will respond. Soon.

The things you learn

Caitlin and 3 day old Mac
April 2010

As you read this, I'm dropping both my babies at school.  Caitlin starts first grade, and Mackenzie has decided that she must go to Preschool.  So instead of arguing with Miss Mac (which is a losing battle), we decided to send her, a year earlier than we planned.  She will only go 2 days a week, but even that is pulling at my heart strings.  It's the ultimate cliche, but time, it flies, it leaps, it gallops, it races.  And you are unable to stop it.
I recently posted that picture to Instagram to share a guest post.  It captures a day I will forever remember.  The memory is still so fresh, that I know that it's close to 7:30 in the morning.  Caitlin is eating a cookie that is almost as big as her head.  Her sippy cup holds sweet iced tea.  She is wearing her most prized possession, Panda PJs, that she refused to take off for an entire month.  So I went to Costco three days into that phase and bought 5 pairs.  And yes, she wore them around the clock for close to a month.  I was pregnant, sue me.  I know that Mackenzie has just had a bottle, that she needs her cap to keep up her body temp, that I shouldn't put her in a boppy like that.  I also know that I didn't care.  I was in survival mode.  I was 3 days post pardum, after suffering a post pardum hemorrhage, and losing almost 2 pints of blood.  I was weak, I was emotional, and I was nervous.  I wasn't prepared for any of it.  Not the hemorrhage, not the PJs, and not the task of mothering two children.  I know that now, because about 2 hours after this picture was taken, I completely lost myself.  I made a mountain out of a mole hill, and I yelled and fought with a two year old.  Why did I loose my cool?  I don't remember, but I'm sure it had to do with a mess, or a spilled sippy, or being loud while her sister slept.   It wasn't a good reason to loose my cool, but I did.   And it was a lesson to be learned.
I find the toughest lessons to learn in motherhood aren't the big ones.  They aren't the lessons on bedtime, or feeding schedules.  They aren't lessons on multitasking or chore charts or discipline.  They are the little things you learn about yourself and about your children.
You learn that peanut butter and jelly sandwiches don't mean defeat at dinner. You learn that you really can eat grilled cheese for breakfast every day for two weeks. You learn that Panda PJs are fashionable everywhere if you are under 3. You learn that sometimes fast food is just easier and cleaner (no dishes). You learn that sometimes going to Target is more important than laundry. You learn that your way isn't the right way for everyone,  but the right way for you.
You learn that no matter how old your children get, they are still your babies. They are still little to you. And even when you drop them off at college, they will still be those babies in the picture, of that day you will never forget.

10 on 10 {Vegas}

I've been wanting to attempt a 10 on 10 for awhile.  I follow a few peeps on Instagram that are so faithful in their 10 on 10s. Me, I usually remember half way through the day when I check my Instagram.  My favorite 10 on 10er is Honey Holden.  Check her out.  She is the real deal.
Back to my 10 on 10.  Ten pictures on the tenth of the month.  Seems easy, until you forget you started the whole thing.  I figured with Vegas as my back drop it should be pretty easy.  It was and it wasn't.  Plus I had to explain to my traveling companions exactly what I was doing, and why it was important to the Instagramming blogger in my heart.  It was really fun, and kind of like a day in the life.  I'm sure you've seen them, but here they are again. Because if it's not on your blog, it may as well never happened.

top left to right: Smoky eye the morning after.  Sexy am I right? The Starbucks baristas hard at work in our hotel. The picture that should have been the first 10 on 10 picture  since it was taken well after midnight on the 10th.
middle left to right: Lunch and some retail therapy. My first Izze of the day, while waiting in line for  a sandwich for the Hubbs. Meow meow phone case and an all black ensemble for a beach party
bottom left to right: Selfies with the Hubbs because we remembered we  really do like each other. The buckets of beer that turned a low key beach party night  into a limo/strip club night. Don't ask... Our group that took Vegas by storm.

My final picture for 10 on 10.

Because we are rarely serious.

Because this trip restored our faith in 

marriage, love, romance, and us.

Because I love making him take pictures with me, 

more that I love making him hold my hand.

Did you post a 10 on 10? Leave your link in the comments.

Vegas Baby {the Hangover}

  Still in recovery from my wild Vegas weekend. There is a reason why I don't stay up until 5 am anymore. There are reasons why I shouldn't drink, even a little bit. There are reasons why I should take yoga for flexibility... But you know, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Unless you are on Instagram.  

 

Airport selfies.

Thanks to my neighbor Jess for the picture.

We are so excited!

 

More selfies in Downtown Vegas.

Yes, the Hubbs is licking my teeth.

Sexy right?

 

After a friend on Instagram commented that I was drinking water in Vegas,

I felt I had to at least try a drink.

If you are new here, I don't drink because I'm not supposed to due to health reasons.

What the hell, I was in Vegas.

It didn't go well.

But I didn't get sick, so yeah for that!

 

 

Don't Stop Believin'.

It was our first night in Vegas and we went all out.

Hubbs is still mad about being caught on video.

Whatevs, isn't he cute?

 

 

When in Vegas you are supposed to go shopping.

And buy things like kitty meow meow phone covers.

Totally appropriate.

 

 

These are my neighbors.

Aren't they pretty.

And the best damn bitches around.

Seriously this trip was amazing because they were there!

Inappropriate texting is included with this friendship.

I love them!

 

 

This was at a restaurant called Dick's Last Resort.

It's where the servers are rude to you, and make fun of you.

It's pretty obvious that our server reads this blog.

Ask me more about my vagina why don't you!

 

Waiting for our ride to the "club".

The "gentleman's" club if you will...

It was a blast.

The Hubbs' smile is hiding the fact that he HATES selfies.

But with more Vodka Red Bulls he complies.

 

See.

Totally compliant with the selfies.

 

Here we are at a dance club.

Where tops are mandatory,

unlike the club from earlier in the night.

And yes, we are having a blast.

I danced on those super tall wedges I bought all night.

Didn't fall on my ass one time.

They were fabulous until 2:20 am when I had to take them off.

Because I was either going to die, or my feet were going to fall off.

 

More selfies while we wait for the beach party at Mandalay Bay.

This is the Hubbs' hurry this selfie crap up face.

Sorry love, but Instagram loves you.

I've actually told him that he is huge on Instagram and he doesn't believe me!

 

These are some of my favorite people!

This was our going away party weekend for Jeska and Tony on the left.

They are moving to the Bay Area and breaking up the band.

But this weekend proved that we are going to be friends for life.

I see lots of trips to the Bay in our future!

 

These are my neighbors.

We were in this little bar in the middle of Mandalay Bay.

The music was awesome.

The people were amazing.

And we shut it down!

In our beach attire of course!

My BF asked me if we had this much fun...

Yes, we absolutely did!

 

 

This is me.

Sad because we are leaving Vegas.

I don't want to go home.

I want to go to the room, take a nap, and do it all over again.

Who's ready?

 

Bye Bye Vegas.

We may have to cancel Christmas,

but damn you were fun!!

 

Vegas did wonders for my marriage.

Because after eight, yes EIGHT, years you sometimes forget.

You forget that in the beginning you were two college students who

couldn't get enough of each other.

You forget that you really do like each other.

You forget that your marriage is just an excuse to hang out

with that one person who makes your life totally worth living.

        If you are looking for an Instagram link up, check out Jeanette!