The Great Debate

Earlier this month I made my yearly visit to my OBGYN.  Fun stuff let me tell you.  The visit resulted in an appointment for a pelvic ultra sound.  More fun stuff, to rule out even more fun stuff.  Sparing the gory details, let me outline the actual fun stuff.  The preggo ladies.  Big Bellies about to pop, little bellies excited as could be, and me with my very happy and very empty belly.  It did however make me nostalgic for the days when ultra sounds were surrounded with glee and delight, as a chance to see your little one up close an person even if they looked like a pea, an acorn, or a peanut.
Let's just say, I was not nostalgic for pregnancy.  I did not feel the need to be pregnant again.  Even when the receptionist asked how far along I was, I did not feel my heart drop as I said I wasn't pregnant.  That my friends is a sure sign that this uterus is in line for serious retirement.  If being surrounded by happy and healthy pregnant moms doesn't make you sad your are not currently gestating, then nothing will.
That brings me to my follow up appointment with the man I love almost more than my Husband... My OBGYN.  I'm dead serious when I say this man, this DOCTOR, does whatever I ask.  Please make me stop puking, done.  Please don't make me go back to work, done.  Please give me all the drugs humanly possible, done.  Promise me if the baby doesn't come out in 12 hours or less, cut it out, done.  Ok I didn't have to have a C-section, but I'm pretty sure if I had asked he would have said, my pleasure.  I seriously love this doctor.  So when I get to see him when I'm not pregnant it's like a family reunion.
We talked about my ultrasound and my clean bill of health for my abdomen.  No fibroid, masses, scar tissue.  YEAH ME!  We talked about my health over the last year, some of the complications I was experiencing, and then we talked shop. 
Tubal Ligation.  Or as I refer to it, reproductive retirement.  Is this a good idea for me?  What are the complications?  What's the recovery time?  Then he asked the question that my husband has been asking for months... So you don't want any more children? 
What?  Ugh!  What kind of horrible person says no to a baby?  Yeah it's a common question.  People even ask before you leave the hospital.  So mom when are you gonna start on another one?  Then as my girls get older people start asking my personal favorite:  When are you going to try for THAT boy?
UGH!  I hate that question.  Really?  You think my family is incomplete because my children lack a penis and can't pee standing up?  I'm sure I sound like the feminist I once was (still am?), but seriously? 
I'll admit that I twice dreamed in blue.  During the early months of both pregnancies.  I dreamed about my son, the quarterback, bringing home the BCS Championship, the first in Bulldog history, while me and John sat in the stands.  The cameras would broadcast our tears as we watched our BOY bring home the glory.  They would tell the back story of our journey to the game, which included the part about how Mr. QB's dad, lives and breathes Fresno State.  I dreamed about football pads, baseball bats, and skateboards.  Dump trucks and dirt bikes.  Yes, I dreamed in blue.  Both times. 
What I got, both times were blessings swaddled in pink.  Tutus and sequins, sugar and spice, Barbie dolls and paper dolls.  I have never regretted one minute.  Never felt a void.  Who better to share a love of Lady Gaga, Katy Perry, and Hello Kitty?  I'm looking forward to dance recitals, softball championships (yes, the Lady Bulldogs), and Sorority Rush (hello legacies).  So now I dream in color.  Nothing is missing. 
So, I'm done.  I'm a mom.  Of two happy and healthy girls that make my world go round.  I don't need a penis on one of them to validate me as a mother.  Does it make me selfish and cold?  Maybe.  Who doesn't want more cuddly babies?  Cute booties and tiny onesies.  Babies are the perfect example of love and life.  So who can say no to a baby?
ME!  Because I can say no to PREGNANCY.  I don't want to have another baby, because I DON'T WANT TO BE PREGNANT EVER AGAIN.  For me pregnancy is not cute.  It's me in sweats, gagging, popping zofran and colace, sipping coca-cola, crying and depressed, while everyone around me takes care of my children while they constantly cry for their mommy.  And it's not just for a couple of weeks.  It's for the first four months.  With Mac it was the first five.  Why in the world would I want to be miserable and sick and awful to be around again?  If someone could promise me that this would not happen then sure I'd try it again.  But there are no promises with pregnancy.  So trying again doesn't guarantee you a boy.  It only guarantees you a baby.  It will surely guarantee me sickness.
Here my friends is the great debate, which has lead me to the greatest guilt trip to date.  How do I outright refuse to give my husband his greatest desire?  An male heir?  Did I seriously just type that?  Is this royal England?  Seriously though, how do I deny his dreams in blue?  Is that even fair?  And how do we come out on the other side of this?  Because as we stand, I'm not changing my mind, and he is not changing his. 
So I'm bring this to you my friends and readers.  Do I roll the dice, play Russian roulette, and hope that I not only survive a pregnancy, but that the end result has a penis?  And what do we do if we have another girl?  Do we keep trying?  If I say no, outright refuse, then is this a situation of my body my choice?  Am I just being ridiculous and selfish?   Or am I being realistic?
Once I dreamed in blue...
Happy Blogging,
Megan

6 comments:

  1. This is tricky. During my first pregnancy, I desperately wanted a girl and found out at 20 weeks that we were having a boy. I was disappointed. I even cried a little. Then my boy died 4 weeks later and I felt like karma was getting me back for my disappointment. So from that perpective, I can tell you that a healthy, happy baby is a healthy happy baby, regardless of gender. But I see your point and I see his. And I had the same experience with both pregnancies where I was sick for 4 months with Caitlyn and for my entire 24 week pregnancy with my son. And I can't imagine what it would have been like if it were the other way around, trying to take care of her while I was vomitting every hour, fatigued and miserable.

    I won't say you should give in or you shouldn't. But I will say that IF you do, you need to make it clear that no matter the outcome, this one will absolutely be the last. And that he owes you BIG TIME for putting yourself through it again. And that also you expect to be allowed to kick him in the balls daily for the duration of your pregnancy.

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  2. Jaclyn,
    A million times thank you for your comment. Is it possible to begin to cry and then laugh hysterically? Well it's what I did. Thanks for your honesty. I read about your journey on your blog. It really puts it all in perspective, and it also points out that Karma is a supreme bitch!
    Maybe if I can punch him in the balls daily throughout it would make it worth it...Not sure though - puking is not the business!
    Thanks again,
    Megan

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  3. PS: Jaclyn - I'm thinking my last comment didn't due you any justice... Karma is a bitch in general... Not in your situation. I have no idea how you come out on the other side of loss of that magnitude. I hope you didn't find it insensitive. I have loads of respect for you and your blog... In my mind we are BloggingBesties... Oh wow! I'm so stalker-ish!
    Thanks Again for your honesty.
    Megan

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  4. Okay so I just stumbled across your blog and obviously like it =) lol So of course, since you asked, I'll give my opinion!!

    I have only experienced pregnancy once so far and to be quite honest I ALWAYS since as far back as I started dreaming about being a mommy, have dreamt of having a little girl !!! I had her name picked out for about 6 years lol when my boyfriend and I found out we were pregnant, I was ecstatic!!! We both were (we had been tryin for months) .. then as I started to think about that infamous question that people ALWAYS seem to ask a pregnant woman, "what do you guys wanna have?" I find this question sometimes very irritating but that's besides the point. I started to really think about this and every time I would picture walkin through the mall, playing at the park, etc,.. all I could picture was a little boy! Now does that mean I didn't want my girl anymore?! Of course not!!! When we found out our little bundle was indeed a boy, I was so happy!! Honestly,.. It didn't really matter to me. It was the baby I had always wanted and whether it be a boy or girl, I was still happy!! My personal opinion for you guys is, If y'all have already decided that you were done then I would stick to that. If you have complicating pregnancies, the most important thing is YOU !!! Not to sound selfish but your health is more important (in my opinion) than a baby with a penis !!!! I think whatever you decide will be the right choice for you and your family!! Who's to say one of your little girls won't wanna be a football player?!! Far fetched I know, but these days you never know what kids will want to do!!! Good luck with your decision I hope you and your husband can come to a decision that works best for you guys together !!!!

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  5. Ok Absolute Mommy! Considering that you are my best-est friend in the entire universe I have been putting off responding.

    1. I love your husband too and wanted to be sure that what I had to say wasn't something superbly sarcastic like telling him to try pushing a watermelon thru his urethra if he's that hell bent on having a boy and

    2. trying to determine how my own internal debate went down about being done bearing children and closing up the baby maker.

    Things on my side included a husband who only wanted two children. The third (if it had ventured that far) would have had to be negotiable. I was lucky enough to have one child of each flavor; pink and blue...did that make my decision easier? I don't know. I don't think so. I had a nightmare at about 6 months with blue and saw my hair at its fullest gray, bags under my eyes, a body a surely didn't recognize and too many other scary factors to mention here.. you get the idea!

    What I really took from my nightmare where I awoke nearly hyperventilating, was don't take on more than you can reasonably handle--and you know for me that's a hard thing to do! By having two children I don't have to purchase a bigger car, we can comfortably sit at a table or booth at a restaurant, tickets come in family 4 packs and I can manage two kids. I pray that we will be able to put them both thru college, pay for a wedding, cars, dance and sports if that's there desire. I look at the many moms who went on to try for that color they so badly wanted to join their brood.... its like a bad game of blackjack. It's always a gamble! You and the hubby have to be willing to determine what the price of your gamble could or will be. Good luck in your decision. I hope the two of you come it together.

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  6. I didn't find it insensitive, I've just been busy sitting on my ass all weekend and didn't have time to check back :) Also, in having a blog-stalker I am halfway to my blogging goal. Goal number 1- get a stalker. Goal number 2- get some haters. Until I get at least one person a day telling me how much they hate everything I write, I will not feel my blog is successful.

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