Germs! Yuck!

Since Friday at least one person in this family has been spending loads of time in the bathroom.  We have some germs roaming around this place.  My turn is today, but I'm still "on duty" so I decided to check my Facebook and maybe share some real gems about this week so far.  Warning - it's yuck. 

No one likes their child to be sick.  It sucks.  They are crying and feeling yucky and they still don't get the "warning signs" so it's a gamble on whether they will make it to the bathroom.  Like I said it sucks.  I was under the impression that WE were getting BETTER.  Sadly, my poor Caity was still doubled over like a yoga position crying about a stomach ache.  DAMN.  So yesterday, we packed up and went to the doctor.

OK, here is the thing about my pediatrician.  You are going to laugh and poke fun, and say what a dummy, but so what.  My pediatrician is approximately 40 minutes from my house.  That would equate in Fresno to 3 different highway interchanges.  Why in the world would I do this to myself?  Well when Caitlin was still in utero, I did my research to make sure it would not take 23 years to get a Celiac diagnosis.  I would not let her go through what I went through for so many years.  Dr. Alper was highly recommended and her husband is a leading gastrointerologist at the Children's Hospital right in my backyard.  OK, so more like 40 minutes in the other direction.  Still, I love her to pieces!  Dr. Alper is efficient and doesn't wait to test for anything, be it reflux, kidney issues, or Celiac disease.  She also is supportive in the decisions I make as a mother.  After an appointment when Caitlin was all of 4 months old, after a full 48 hours of little sleep and lots of crying, I was at my wits end.  There was nothing wrong with Caitlin.  No fever, no teething, no bladder infection, no respiratory issues.  I tearfully thanked Dr. Alper and apologized for "waisting her time".  She looked me straight in the eye and said, "You're doing a great job mom.  Hang in there".  It was just what I needed at the time.

So Caitlin and I were off.  Early so we could avoid traffic snarls.  I was still hoping that we were on the "getting better" end of these germs.  The nurse called us back after a 30 minute wait.  To let us know that Caitlin needed to pee in a cup.  If you know me and my Caitlin then you know the lengths I have gone to to get her to pee in a cup.  There is no bribe big enough.  So we tried and tried.  With me sitting on the germ infested floor, my hand literally touching the side of the germ infested toilet bowl.  YUCK!  I could feel the germs crawling on me like they do Brobee on Yo Gabba Gabba.  I was actually singing "We are the tiny ugly germs" in my head.  And of course, NO PEE!

Since there are still 2 patients ahead of us we go out to the car to get her drink, which is an Iced Tall Sweetened Black tea from Starbucks.  Yes you read that correctly.  You don't even want to know the looks I was getting.  Well of course - I was sitting with my 4 YEAR OLD IN A DOCTORS OFFICE AND SHE IS DRINKING A STARBUCKS.  OK so giving Caitlin Starbucks is not a secret to most people who know me and my kid.  It was still a secret to the doctors, nurses, and strangers in a DOCTORS OFFICE. 

Finally we get called again.  Another failed pee in the cup - with me trying to disinfect my dress hem.  As I'm telling the nurse about our situation ( which involved poop, it's varying colors, consistencies, and times per day - yeah super effing glamorous) I can hear my phone buzzing in my purse.  Nurse leaves, I check the phone.  It's my mom, who is home with Mac.  I call back, and get the news that now Mac is shitting her brains out as well.  FABULOUS!  Mom gives me the deets - again so glamorous I should be in a Kardashian episode.  Finally the doctor comes in and bless her heart, she listens to me talk poop about not one child but 2.  She listens intently and then says the words I'm sure are the most horrifying words any parent could hear after being up to their eyeballs in shit.  STOOL SAMPLES.  You. Must. Be. Joking.

I have to confess that this isn't my first time having to pick up a stool sample kit.  This is my 3rd collection with Caitlin.  I know, I know, AWFUL.  If you have had to do this you know it's not the business.  Our instructions from Dr. Alper are: push fluids, NO MILK (awesome), and here is your work order for FOUR different collections.  Did I mention how glamorous I am?

Now for the best part of my day - the lab in the building is in the same office as the Urgent care.  You have to wait to see a lab tech just like you would to see an doctor.  WTF?  It gets better, there are 2 ahead of us.  The wait?  About 30 minutes.  I waited only 10 of those 30 minutes because a man walked in with his wife who was puking uncontrollably.  The same wife who left the room to puke in the bushes outside the door.  That was my cue to leave.  We have enough germs, thank you very much!

A stop at Walgreen's for supplies (pedilite - they hated, Gatorade - they loved, 7-up just because) I finally pulled into the driveway at 4:59 pm.  Mac was a little whiny, but ready for the 7-up.  Caitlin was exhausted.  I was raw.  Did I mention that we never peed in a cup?  Yeah - still no pee!  My mom, who if I have never said before is the most selfless, loving, life saving, life giving, loving mother, offers to stay until my husband gets home from work.  As if on cue, he text messages me that the BIG BOSS is in town.  The boss he still hasn't met.  The boss he needs to have dinner with.  And now cue my tears.  He calls and I'm crying and he says, I'll come home, but I know how important this dinner is and I say go - mom's staying - go.  And I don't even know why I'm crying.  Maybe because both kids are sick and I can't make it go away.  Maybe because I couldn't make her pee in a cup.  Maybe because my mom has been at my house since 11am.  Maybe because I'm just exhausted.

My Mom stayed super late.  Even though John the hubby, got home earlier than expected.  As if I wasn't batting a thousand as a mother yesterday, I let the girls play on the grass that John just sprayed with weed killer.  Yeah, he had said to keep them off the grass for 24 hours.  I forgot, until Caitlin started itching and breaking out in hives.  NICE.  I'll just add it to my list of "Mother of the Year" accomplishments.  Along with the Starbucks and Oreos for breakfast. 

These are adventures of motherhood.  Glamorous.  Life changing.  Sick and twisted, if you ask me.  I think it's my turn today to deal with the germs.  YUCK, but thought I would share since I'm sure you have stories of your own.  I'm sure they are equally horrifying.  I'm sure they are just as exhausting.  At least I'm just sharing this story and not the GERMS!

Happy (and healthy, fingers crossed) Blogging,
Megan

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