Going Corporate

In my teenage years the idea of going "Corporate" would have sent me running to the nearest punk show.  I hated all things corporate, aside from Vans shoes and Fat Wreck Chords.  I was so far from "corporate" in my mind.  I sang along with the ska songs about the "man" holding me down.  What?  When I think back on it I laugh.  What man?  At 18 I had a plan - I was going to Berkeley to study Political Science with an emphasis in Women's studies - uh yeah.  I don't even recognized her!  Today I am the person that the Descendants sang about in Suburban Home.  Google it.  It's a hilarious song about being "classified and stereotyped".  I used to sing that song at the top of my lungs because I knew it wouldn't happen to me.  Well guess what?

I'm a stay at home mom.  I worship all things CORPORATE.  Like my Apple iPhone, I am addicted to Starbucks, and I'm currently typing on an HP.  My husband drives a gas guzzling SUV and (gasp!) he's a red blooded, Reagan loving, REPUBLICAN.  I know, I still can't believe it myself.  What I'm saying is that unlike my 18 year old self, I've learned that going corporate isn't so bad.  Most of the time. 

Imagine my surprise when 2 Corporate giants let me down this week.  I've been relying on being Corporate so long that I got really pissed about the whole situation.  Here is why sometimes going CORPORATE SUCKS!! 

Dear Pampers, F&*k you!  Sincerely, Megan C. 
Pampers have changed the design of their Pampers Cruisers.  Sure the new diapers look cute and have cute, almost Pokemon in appearance, Sesame Street Characters on the butt.  Awesome, if it can do it's job and actually absorb like it's previous counterpart.  IT DOES NOT!  From a previous post you will know that we have been "swimming" in shit for the last week.  So when this adorable little diaper did nothing to stop the flow on Saturday afternoon, I lost, well I lost my shit.  I wanted to call Pampers and ask "Are you eff-ing kidding me??".

I didn't call them, instead I called my friend Jaci, who is a Pampers Purist.  She will not use any other brand of diapers  You could off her a million dollars to try Luvs and she would tell you to shove it.  Imagine my surprise when she said she absolutely hated the new Cruisers.  So much in fact that she had a note on her calendar to call them on Monday.  If you know my friend Jaci then you will agree that she probably had created an event on her iPhone as well.  But that is why I love her because she gets to the bottom (OK, pun kind of intended) of things.

Long story short, Pampers apologized to her and offered to send her a check to reimburse her for the 2 boxes she had purchased.  She made sure to emphasize to the person at Pampers that she would no longer be a Pampers customer, and they should know that they will be getting more calls.  The more pressing issue in my book is why fix something that isn't broke?  Seriously if moms all over the world (OK the US) aren't calling in frantically because they are now swimming in shit, then why re-make the wheel?  It boggles my mind that you would mess with something as perfect as a Pampers Cruiser.  Do I sound like a crazy person?  Well me and poop don't mix.  So when poop is leaking from a diaper that isn't doing it's job it makes me a little crazycakes.

Dear General Mills, It's not Gluten Free if you can't maintain a GLUTEN FREE FACILITY! Regards, Doubled over in Pain!!!
I've been in some serious pain for awhile.  I've re-vamped my Gluten Free diet a million times in the last 8 months or so.  I've even cut out dairy.  Somehow I was continually having a gluten reaction.  Pain, hours in the bathroom, and a migraine of epic proportions.  What could it be?  I had no clue, so my mom and I started talking about all the new things I've been eating in the last year.  Like Udi's GF bread, GF Bisquick, and my Starbucks that I have increased intake of because of the little people inhabiting my home.  So with those in mind I turned to my trusty computer and my favorite Internet friend Google.  Guess what I found?

My supposed GLUTEN FREE Bisquick is not made in a "dedicated" facility.  I found this through lots of GF blogs where people were posting about their own gluten reactions.  Every time they enjoyed their Sunday pancakes, they were then suffering from the effects of gluten.  If you aren't a GF person then you can't fully appreciate a "dedicated" facility.  It means that they produce only GF products.  Which makes them safe for GF peeps like me.  If you produce GF food in a facility that you produce other products in then you get cross contamination.  Cross contamination is a big bitch.  She creeps in and makes an otherwise great GF meal, poison.  So, what I have been suffering is a visit from cross contamination.  It's a chance you take when you eat foods that read gluten free in the ingredients, but are not "certified" gluten free.  Sucks, because I really enjoyed those GF pancakes and the fact I could buy the mix at Vons. 

So now I'm going to have to visit my other corporate friend, Whole Foods, to pick up some "certified" GF pancake mix, that was made in a "dedicated" facility.  I love Whole Foods and not just because she sells my favorite GF oreos (Kinnikinnck- Kinni-Toos).  I love Whole Foods because she tries to pretend she isn't corporate.  Like if she sells free range this and organic that then she isn't a slave to the man. 

Just like I put on my old punk cds when I'm alone in the car (ignoring the fact that I'm drinking Starbucks).  The reason I refuse to jump parties just because I married (gasp again!) a republican and sometimes drive my kiddos around in the Eco-hating SUV. 

Whatever, corporate makes the world go round.  If it wasn't for Disney or NickJr, I wouldn't have even finished these thoughts. 

Happy Blogging,

No comments:

Post a Comment