The buzz of December has been quite overwhelming this year. I thought that if I finished my Christmas shopping early, I'd be less stressed. But as you can tell from a few of my posts and some of my Instagram pictures, it's been anything but relaxed.
Countless moments were taken last week. To regroup. To cry. To really let my guard down. You can only put forward a strong front for so long until you crack. Tuesday, after watching my grandfather be taken by an ambulance on Monday night, I cracked. On my way to see him in the hospital, where the effort to control his seizures had not been successful. I put in my Mumford and Sons CD and cried. Great big ugly cried in my car as I drove on the first true foggy day of the season. If you didn't know, Fresno is known for it's fog. The day matched my mood, grey and dark. I took that moment to let it all out. To prepare myself for what might be, even if I wasn't ready. I took an additional moment to share my heart on Instagram, and boy did my Instagram family come through for me. Thank you to everyone that day. I appreciated all the prayer and scripture and guidance. Thank you for giving me that moment of peace.
I took a moment on Wednesday to focus on my Mom and my girls. My mom needed some relief and comfort after spending Tuesday at the hospital with my Grandpa. I decided to ditch all responsibility and take her and my girls to the mall after my Caitlin got out of school. The mall can be so magical this time of year, the decorations are larger than life. So we went, ate at Cheesecake Factory, bought things we really didn't need, hung out in the Disney Store. It was the best day to go. An early December day, just before it gets crowded and crazy with holiday shoppers. It was exactly what the four of us needed. A little time to focus on each other. A little time to forget about the things that will always be there: laundry, dishes, homework, and gave us time to focus on making memories. I still remember the magic of the mall at Christmas time. I'm hoping my girls will too.
If you read my post that I published late Saturday, then you will know that my Friday night was a disaster. In so many ways Friday night left me raw and emotional and heartbroken. When I woke up on Saturday morning, I knew that I needed to slow down. I really needed to focus on this child who most likely needed a little TLC. Let's be honest, Mommy needed it too. It was a Saturday very typical for December when you have littles in school, Mac's Christmas program, the Bulldogs were to play the Mountain West Championship Game. I was excited for both, but the idea of spending the evening at the football game irked me. My heart was being pulled back to home. I really felt like I needed a night at home, with the girls, Caitlin mostly, to just be. No agenda. No stress. I told the Hubbs so, and though we were both disappointed, we both understood. I needed this moment, this night, to heal. To mend my broken heart a little, to try to mend hers as well. Because I know we were still a little sore from the night before.
Saturday night we took our moment. Hot chocolate with marshmallows without any real dinner in sight. Some painting of ornaments just to make a mess (a mess that stayed well into Monday morning). Christmas music on her boom box, playing in front of the tree. And while I did do some writing, I left a lot of it. Walked away. Took a moment to just be. Be a mom, so very flawed, but so very determined to get it right. A moment to be a friend to my daughters and share giggles and treats. To make messes and leave them for later. A moment to heal and mend some hearts. A moment to focus on the now.
I have to remind myself to take moments these days. To ugly cry. To be flawed and imperfect. I have to remind myself that there will always be laundry. There will always be homework. There will always be dishes. I have to remind myself that my girls will only be this age right now. That this December will only happen in 2013. That this Christmas will soon be here and gone. I have to remember to take a moment, before the moments are gone.