My biggest fear to date...

Today's edition of Heart Therapy... This is seriously refreshing.  You should check it out, and link up if you like.  This week is about fears and facing them... It's time my friends...


My first year of motherhood was filled with fear.  Is she eating enough?  Sleeping enough? Breathing?  Am I doing this right?  Am I doing this wrong?  Why can't I make her stop crying???


So many fears and worries.  The fears pushed me and beat me, and soon I was drowning.  Looking back, I realize those are fears all moms have that first year.  Were they valid?  Yes.  Crazy?  Sometimes.  However valid or crazy, I made it through that first year.  We made it.  My little Caitlin and I. 


Today my fears are different.  I still have simple fears and worries.  These have more to do with heath and safety.  To me they have become everyday worries.  Except for one...


My fear, and it's a big one, is that I made my daughter sad, melancholy, if I'm honest.  I'm afraid that all my fears and anxiety those first few months have worn off on her.  Those first few months where I was overwhelmed by the simplest tasks, the simplest fears, and on the edge of failure, have coaxed her into her own shadow of doubt.  Is it possible that she absorbed my sadness and isolation through osmosis?  Is it possible her everyday struggles with separation anxiety and shyness are related to mommy's "baby blues".  And when I say "baby blues" I mean, I should have been seeing a professional.  That's a different post over here.


With every tear and every plea to stay home from school, I'm racked with fear and now guilt.  With every declined invitation to play at the neighbors, I'm left wondering, "Did I do this?".  By living in a fog for those first few months, I'm afraid I made it impossible for Caitlin to really enjoy and embrace the simplest fears in life.  To go out on those limbs, and instead of falling, fly.


I will tell you that motherhood scared me, almost to death.  Every aspect of it.  I was so overwhelmed that some days I didn't leave the house.  I was so afraid of failure that I stuck to the tasks I knew were possible, like feeding and diapering a baby, like showering (on a good day).  I was also a prisoner to my own guilt.  I couldn't leave my baby.  She needed me, she wanted me.  I had to be there, that's what a good mother would do, right?  Well now I'm afraid that I've made her feel she can't be anywhere or do anything, without Mom.


This is my biggest fear to date.  That my sadness and despair has led her on a preschool path of the same.  Both my daughters have changed me, and I'm truly a better person and mother today.  I don't discount my fears, because they are real.  Like, sometimes I feel like my second daughter got the better mommy, because of the lesson the first one had to suffer through.


It's always hard to admit fear.  Facing them however is always refreshing.  Everyday I'm working on building happy well adjusted daughters.  Daughters that will look their own fears in the eye and conquer them.  Even if those fears are simply saying goodbye to Mom at preschool drop off.  Sometimes the simple fears are the hardest to face, but we WILL face them.


Happy Blogging,
Megan

2 comments:

  1. My first baby was stillborn in 2009 before my Caitlyn was born. So I get the fear. I spent a lot of her first year being convinced I was somehow going to cause her death. It was actually so ridiculous it was funny at times (like the time I caught her finger with a nail clipper and had to have my mother talk me down from hysterics because I was ready to take her to the ER and was convinced she was bleeding to death. It's funny NOW, but I was terrified then). But I can relate to what you are saying about your second getting the better mother. Because while I was scared shitless, especially the first 6 months or so, I was able to put a lot of stuff in perspective because of what happened to my son. I was able to rationalize that my fear was probably unnecessary. It didn't make it go away, but it made it manageable and I was able to talk myself down from the crazy most of the time.

    You need to stop blaming yourself. The fact that your kid doesn't want to be separated from you... well, I think that's natural for MOST kids (do you want to hear the opposite side of this argument- because I can give it to you. My kid LOVES spending time with our babysitter and half the time she's mad when she has to leave. Which is obviously because I don't spend enough time with her and she thinks the babysitter is her real mother). If you caused anything, you caused her to love you so much that she wants to be with you all the time. Are you really going to beat yourself up over the fact that your kid LOVES the crap out of you? No, you are NOT. I will not have it! The only thing you can do is give her opportunities to be more independent and push her limits a little. School will help. It's hard now but eventually she will adjust.

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  2. Thanks Jaclyn! I have no idea how you didn't lose your mind that first year with Caitlyn. I can only imagine those momma fears intensified.
    I do need to stop the blame game with myself. There have been lots of "viewers" to this scenario that think I'm not doing enough and all that biz... I know better, but sometimes the criticism sucks!
    Thanks for your comment! Good to know you will be there to kick my ass when I need it!

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