Facebook thinks I need rehab {for my Elf on the Shelf}

There have been a few times since I've started this blog that life is actually better than fiction.  That even if I tried, locked myself in a room, and free wrote for days, I wouldn't be able to come up with the stories that happen in my actual life.  Like the time this blog got hacked.  This story is one for the grand kids, so silly, even my elf is appalled.  This is the story of my little Elf on the Shelf, Buddy Fiddlesticks McChristmas pants.  Known to my girls as "Sammy the good elf", but known to my adult Facebook friends as "B".  And apparently known as Elf with a drug habit to the nice people at Facebook Inc.
Let's start at the beginning.
B is our elf that came to visit last year.  As I have stated before, we threw all the "elf" rules out the window.  B doesn't stay on his shelf, he comes to Starbucks and Target with us.  The girls love him to pieces, so much so that his felt is starting to fray.  Since Caitlin started school she has been told that all his magic is gone since we touch him.  To that I call BS on you little children of the naive world, by loving B, we make him more magical with every hug and every kiss.  That's why he doesn't report the fight over Twilight Sparkle or the spilled hot cocoa to Santa.  He's got our back.  Especially since my kids are deathly afraid of the Big Guy in the red suit.  If they are bad, I just threaten to take them to the mall to sit on the fat guys lap.  It works like a charm.
Just a few of B's antics from last year.
This looks pretty magical to me, don't you think?
Back to B.
This year we brought B back with some fun.  Yes, he was there to entertain the kiddos, but he was mostly there to entertain my friends on Facebook and Instagram.  He was a big hit last year.  I got tons of comments from friends on Facebook and in real life.  Plus, I had a blast sharing B's adventures.  So this year I let loose, and let B have the ride of his life.
An attempt at #fmsphotoaday which was an epic fail after day 17.
B was having fun doing other things.
Some of my favorites above include:  B's self portrait / Marshmallow snowmen /
And his ride to Kindergarten pickup.
A few more #fmsphotoaday attempts
 Plus my favorites:  B in bed with Merida, and then proof that he is a father / covered in lights / his new hat and scarf which may or may not be for a bottle of wine / his photo bomb / and book advent which we took very seriously.

More fun with lots of elves.  Can you tell I'm a little obsessed?
I made an elf ornament / my cat's not really a fan / B tp'd Caitlin's baby tree / We brought home Figgy (middle), Joe (bottom left) and Randal (bottom middle) / B also brought good tidings, like cookie mix, and graham cracker houses.
Here is where I get into trouble. 
My elf, like most people I love in my life, has multiple personalities.  Like I said, to me and lots of adults he's B, but to the kiddos, he's Sammy.  Sammy brings cookies and hangs from the light fixtures in the dining room.  B, likes beer, smokes and fast Barbies.  Here is an example of some questionable behavior.

The last one got me lost of questions from Facebook and real life friends.  Even friends of friends wondering how my children felt about a drug addicted elf.  Wow, I may feed my kiddos a steady diet of Starbucks iced black tea and Oreos, but do you think I'm that kind of a momma?  Seriously, do you think I'd do this to my kiddos?  So in an effort to stay on the up and up, as some may say, I posted this picture to Facebook as an explaination:
This is classic Sammy vs. B.  Sammy on the left bringing good tidings.  B on the right enjoying some "prescription drugs" which happen to be Tylenol, and 3 year expired vitamins.  Exciting stuff like B12 and Folate.  Super exciting right.  Also as a side note, all the "Naughty B" pictures happen when the kids are in bed, and it's just me and the hubbs laughing hysterically.  I promise, no children were psychologically or emotional harmed this holiday season.
Now this is where you can take my Elf on the Shelf party or leave it.  There was a prompt for photoaday that was "green".  For the life of me I couldn't figure out what to do for green.  Trees were obvious.  So I thought maybe a cookie or candy, then I remember one of my favorite holiday songs:
It would be a lie to say that it wasn't well received on Facebook and Instagram.  It is one of those, you either get it or you don't.  In case you don't click here.  I have to say it will stay a favorite of mine for years to come.  I'm also thinking that B may have to use this for his Christmas card next year.
So by now, I think I've set the stage for what's next.  I had been planning B's next escapade for a year.  I was a little gun shy last year, but since lots of my friends on Facebook enjoyed the "pills" picture so much, I thought, let's go big.  So with lots of help from the Hubbs (holding B in place) and the Brother in Law (lighting), I got this for all the masses on my very public Facebook page:
 To me, this was funny.  I laughed at this for about a good hour.  Then kept looking at the picture again, just to giggle.  It was all in good fun.  You can't have a winter themed, holiday loving, elf on the shelf without having him have a little "snow".  Many of my friends on Facbook and Instagram thought it was funny.  I'm not talking hundreds of likes, I'm talking about a good conversation starter.  If you know me in real life you know I keep it light and humorous.  That nothing is off limits in comedy, and that I do have questionable morals when it comes to movies, music and pop culture.  Sorry, it's who I am.  I'm almost 35, I don't see that changing much.
Also as previously stated, my girls see none of this.  NONE.  They don't even read my blog, or have a Facebook page.  They are five and two.  They think Sammy is just a fun toy to add to the Barbie dream house pool.  Nothing more, nothing less. 
So that was my last picture of B Fiddlesticks, because the next night I got this email:
That's right friends.  Facebook thinks I have a drug problem.  Me, who can't even drink alcohol, who hasn't had bread in 10 years, who hasn't had caffeine since February, who doesn't even like to take Tylenol.  I posted this picture to Instagram and most comments were shock.  They thought that maybe this was a hoax.  I assure you it's not.  Someone, friend, foe, or otherwise, reported B and me to Facebook, for our struggles with addiction.  Look, I'm not making fun of addiction.  I know that addiction is a very real thing.  Trust me, I deal with it indirectly in my own life.  But to assume that my Elf on the Shelf is indeed in the process of snorting some actual coke?  Ridiculous.  For the record it's cake flour, since I was out of powdered sugar.  Cake.  Flour.  The end.
First of all if it was the real shiz, why the hell would I waste it on my elf?  Second, if I had a spare kilo or two hanging around, I would hope I'd not make it so obvious.  Third, don't you think my house would be spic and span if I was hopped up on narcotics??
So thank you Facebook for ruining my fun, and making me feel bad about some adult shenanigans.  I understand your concern and will alert you every time I see a half naked young girl posting pictures of herself in her bathroom.  She obviously needs help finding clothes to wear, and maybe some parents.  Also I will take extra caution and alert you to all the illiterate Facebookers who don't know the difference between there, their, and they're.  They are obviously in need of a dictionary, hooked on phonics, or just an education in general.  Be sure to send them an email about that.
It's too bad B doesn't have fingers.  I'd love to post a picture on Facebook of that. 
It's not all bad though.  The email has left me inspired.  If Facebook thinks B needs rehab, then maybe it's time to put him through some 12 steps.
All chronicled on Instagram and Facebook of course.
Got Elf?
You can link him up here with Lil Blue Boo


  1. "It's too bad B doesn't have fingers. I'd love to post a picture on Facebook of that." BEST line that I've read on a blog all day! I loved all of your pics on instagram...you have all my "likes"!!!

  2. I follow your IG and have thought all of your Elf on the Shelf posts have been hilarious. I couldn't believe your warning you got on FB - I personally got rid of FB long ago (2010) and never looked back, this makes me even more thankful. Too bad people have to ruin it for everyone else!

  3. Oh my goodness. This post has made me want to get elf. I thought they were creepy but now to know that Facebook thinks he needs help, ahahahahaha! Laughed my ass off. To funny. You should so get pix of him and barbies (and other animals) at an AA meeting or something! I so have to add you to facebook now. Man, I find this to funny!

  4. Wow. I realize you meant no harm. However let me share with you the fact that besides being a wife & mother (SAHM for 16 years) I'm also a drug addict and alcoholic who is blessed enough to be in recovery.
    Yes, I used cocaine, heroin, and alcohol in between parent teacher conferences, bedtime stories, cooking dinner,doing laundry, school plays and sporting events. Addiction is a disease that can affect anyone of any age, gender, income, religion, profession. It nearly killed me and it HAS killed more than one friend of mine due to overdose.
    12 step programs, along with medical care, family, friends, and faith saved my life. AA and NA are considered sacred organizations to many of its members. They save lives every single day. Your joking about that shows your ignorance and insensitive to the matter.
    Certain topics should never be jokes. Drugs are one of them, in my opinion. Would you have a photo of your elf raping another toy? Giving someone a black eye? I doubt it, but there are many in society who also think things like rape can be joked about. And for the record, my house was cleaner than it ever was when I was smoking crack. Cocaine gives one huge amounts of energy and often takes away the ability or desire to sleep.
    I hope you understand where I am coming from. I simply can't wrap my head around why anyone would think an activity that ruins lives and kills thousands of people would be a good subject for a 'joke' or 'harmless fun'. Facebook contacting you about this probably was ridiculous. However when it comes to things like drugs, I'd guess they have a 'zero tolerance' type of policy where ANY photo of drugs - real or not, doll or human - is red flagged. They can't examine every photo to determine if it is cake flour or the real deal. I think they mean well, even if somewhat misguided. I hope you can consider my point of view and reexamine what it is that you deem funny or not funny. Thanks.

  5. "First of all if it was the real shiz, why the hell would I waste it on my elf?"

    EXACTLY! BWAHAHAAHA! Glad you laughed it off! People these days ;)

    Kristine from The Foley Fam {unedited} Blog

  6. Oh wow, I just love this so much, I can't believe I didn't think of this stuff. Well, maybe that's why my elf has low "elf-esteem" - because I'm just not creative enough.

  7. Wow- I just about died when I saw the d*ck in the box elf- my husband went as that to a Christmas party and it was hilarious!