Rebuilt {by motherhood}
Every year since the birth of my daughter Caitlin, I get emotional and teary eyed as June 26th approaches. It is the day that I became a mother for the first time. Scared and excited I pushed with all my might, and was rewarded with a beautiful bundle of joy. The story of my life was being written before my eyes. Here was my baby in the baby carriage. Every year I wish I could go back to that moment, the one where they put a wide eyed Caitlin on my chest, and bottle that feeling. The feeling of hope and optimism, the feeling of joy and excitement, the feeling that I did this.
It wasn't long before I realized that those feelings were gone. That this job was going to be the hardest of my life. That my life was no longer my own. I was terrified. Of just about everything. Of her, of her cry, of her tiny body that wanted every ounce of me. I was overwhelmed, I was exhausted, and I felt so alone. I knew I had to be the only one messing this up royally. That I knew nothing about motherhood. Nothing good anyway. I knew that my job as mom was bound to be a bust.
But as the sleepless nights started to wane, the crying easier to identify, and the child, so beautiful, began to smile I realized that this was the only job for me. This was what I was destined to do. Even though I had never wanted to do it. Being a mom was on my short list if I'm being very honest. I was always about career, lifestyle, I was always about me. To a selfish extent. It helped that I married a wonderful man, who wanted to be a dad, who painted a wonderful picture of what our family could become. It didn't take long for me to want to be a mom, but I didn't know how fully I'd want to be one. With her birth, Caitlin showed me that I wanted to be a mom with my whole body, my whole heart, with my whole life.
And again I was terrified.
Perhaps Caitlin was sent to rescue me. To challenge me. To show me what unconditional love looks like from both sides. Perhaps she was the one challenge I needed to be a better person, let alone a good mother. It has taken some time for me to really see myself in her eyes. And I strive every day to be the person she sees, the person she needs, the person she loves.
Six years ago, motherhood rebuilt me and the foundation of my life.
And I'm incredibly thankful.
