Coming back to me

 
 
 
My favorite thing about blogging is that sometimes, people rock you.  Their words stop you in your tracks.  That happened last week.  Most days I just pour out my heart, share a little bit of my world, and sometimes I think, it's a lonely place to be.  Then I get a comment like this, and it reminds me that I'm not alone, and the feelings I have, the sometimes heavy ache in my heart isn't just me.  So with that post in mind, and this comment, I write about what it was like when I lost myself.  When I just knew that person had left me, right along with my  swollen pregnant belly and my pre mommy sanity.  However she never left, she was still in there,  fighting, and on her return better than ever.
 
I don't remember when it happened.  I don't remember the day, or even the month, but at some point in my early mothering days, I looked in the mirror and saw a stranger.  The girl with zest, moxie and motivation was long gone.  In her place just a shell.  A fat, exhausted, sad, angry, and ashamed shell.  Where did Megan go?  And why did she runaway and leave me here, alone and struggling?
 
What I didn't realize was that she was still there.  Under the layers of post partum depression, baby weight, sleepless nights, and 3 day old unwashed hair was that person formerly known as Megan.  She was just different.  She wanted different things.  She needed different things.  She now lead an entirely different life.  What I didn't know was that all of these things were ok.  The struggle with motherhood, the struggle with being a wife, the struggle to just be me.  It was all ok, and normal.  A sleepless baby, boobs that just wouldn't make milk, showers long forgotten, it was all ok.  But at the time it wasn't ok with me.    So with every glance into my own brown eyes, I saw failure, I saw ugly, I saw pathetic. 
 
And I sure as hell didn't see me.
 
I'd like to tell you that I snapped out of it.  That I found myself again, quickly and lovingly, but that would be a lie.  Because it took months.  With every victory, I peeled back a layer.   Six hours of sleep, peel.  A baby on formula exclusively, peel.  Jeans that fit again, peel.  Layers peeled to lighten the load.  My friend who lovingly understood my despair, her kind words of reassurance, her admittance that motherhood was indeed a hard and sometimes thankless job, peeled back more layers.  A night out with the Hubbs, turning 30, laughing at myself and my missteps in motherhood, peel.
 
Then, having another baby peeled back the final layer.  Because the mistakes I made, they were rectified.  The fumbles of the previous years were now laughable.  The sleepless nights were cherished because I knew they wouldn't last forever,
they wouldn't even last a moment. 
 
What I know now is that I was always there.  Hiding, fighting, and finally making my way back to me.  The layers were now just scars, quickly fading, of a battle fought.  I was stronger, in body and spirit.  I was happier.  I was wiser.  And I was finally in a place to admit I was a good mother.  Hell, I was a great mother.  Just not perfect, because life is not perfect.  Life is life, and it's good, and blessed, and happy and loving.  Just like motherhood.
 
So no matter your battle.  Weight loss, grief, motherhood, divorce.  You are still you.  Under all the layers.  Even when you feel you are losing the battle, you are not.  Some days are harder than others, some days are over before they start.  You've got to crawl through it, walk through it, run through it, and eventually you will get to the other side.  You'll be stronger, you'll stand taller, and you will look at yourself and say,
 
Hello old friend, welcome back.
 

10 comments:

  1. I have been anxiously awaiting this post, ever since you mentioned on IG that the particular comment got you. I think that most moms could have written just this, except for the ones who aren't there yet. Every ounce of this mirrors my "image" of myself. Even down to the part about boobs that just don't produce milk. Along with motherhood come SO many ups and SOOO many downs. But, in the end if we look back and see happy kids.. we've done something right!
    And, YOU are beautiful and such an inspiration to me. I love reading what's on your heart!

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  2. Megan... you have no idea how much I needed to read this post today. Thank you again your beautiful words!! Love ya!

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  3. No, I'm not there yet (I'm SpiritedLife, changed my name when I found out how not to be a no-reply commenter). A lot of things have changed over the years and I'm still trying to figure out which direction I'm headed. Thank you for letting me know that I'm not alone. Everyone else seems so put together.

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  4. Thanks for posting this! I have been feeling like this lately and needed to see this!

    ~Mary @
    www.houseoftheuntamed.com

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  5. Great post! I am currently trying to find the me that is buried under over 50lbs of fat on my small 5'0 frame. I will get there, as Nori says in Finding Nemo "Just keep swimming" lol :)

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  6. Your posts are so inspiring to me, as a mother of a young daughter. I know that when I'm feeling down, others are right there with me, that I'm not alone in this struggle to find myself in my new role as Mother.

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  7. megan, you're a fabulous writer! i truly enjoyed reading this not only because of the writing but also because i can totally relate to how you felt post-baby. gosh, it's a hard time. and no one really warns you about it beforehand. thanks for such an honest post!

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  8. This post has brought me to tears, and possibly helped peel back a layer of my own. It is so hard this whole parenting, marriage, life juggling act. But more than any of it, it's blessed. You are such a rockin mama, wife (I'm sure), blogger and person. Glad you shared these thoughts :)

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  9. Great post, as always Megan! Just so touched by all your thoughts. You're a wonderful mom and woman. God Bless. xo

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