Parenting 101 or something

We had a situation last week.  A parenting situation.  It involved glycerin suppositories and enemas.  I'm serious.  So on my way home from Walgreen's I was talking to my BF, and I said, "I get it, I get that making your kid do something they don't want to do is basic parenting 101.  But that's mostly reserved for eating their vegetables or doing their homework.  I doubt its a rule reserved for making your kid poop (not actual word used)".
And I meant it.  The books really only scratch the surface of what you will face as a mother don't you think?  The books are all very vague.  They never give you situations that you can use, like "what will you do if your child has an exploding diaper at three months old at Target, literally poops up her back and front, and you get poop in her hair".  Yeah, there wasn't a chapter on that one...
 What about a chapter on wiping butts into the next millenium?  Because you will be wiping butts that are not your own for the next 6 years with one child, and longer if you have others.  Yes, you really could be wiping butts for up to 8-10 years. 
I know.  I'm sure a part of you just died inside.
Also I wish I would have known that poop is an ongoing conversation when you have kids.  How many times a day, consistency, constipation.  The list is endless in the poop department.  I wish a book would have also told me that my kids poop would be up for discussion with other mothers.  That's right because mommy friends always welcome poop conversations.  Even over lunch, because it's not even gross anymore, it's just real every day life.  Which sucks for your one childless friend who just threw up in her mouth.
Other lessons I could have used:  Cheetos do make an appropriate breakfast.  Sweet tea will not kill your children.  TV is highly appropriate in all situations, especially if those situations involve peeing alone, eating out at a restaurant, or driving long distances in the car.  Your baby with be teething for the better part of three years.  Your child will only eat things that are white, or orange, or green, but never together, and never at the same time.  Your child may not do the same things in the same time frame as other children, there is nothing wrong with your child, so stop listening to that friend that is trying to convince you your kid needs: speech therapy, occupational therapy, a better mother perhaps, or a combination of any of those.
Where is that book?  Where is the book that explains all of that?
 There isn't one, because if you read that you would be bribing your child with a five dollar bill to eat one single solitary pea at the dinner table, no one, and I mean NO ONE, would procreate.  Ever.
So yes, while it's basic parenting 101 to make your kid do something they don't want to do, I think I get a free pass when that something in question is poop. 


  1. I'n laying her during my own lil happy hour laughing so hard I'm crying and thinking the whole time... Pls write this book!
    Love what your posts do for me.

  2. There is no book because you haven't written it yet!
    Get. On. That. Sh*t.
    The world needs you. Mommies everywhere need you.

  3. I'm pretty sure you need to write a book about all the shiz other books don't say - it would be hilarious!!

  4. I think we need to write this book. Things they don't tell you. Heck, they needed one like that for pregnancy too! It wasn't as fun and rosy as they make it out to be.

    I frequently talk about poop. No topic is safe.

    Oh, and I just came from a play date where a mom announced they just introduced TV to their son like two months ago. He's about 2 years old. How did they manage to go so long?! Geez...