It's ok. All of it.

 
It's ok that I'm at this weird place emotionally tonight, right?
I mean I keep telling myself it's ok, but it doesn't feel right.
I feel like something is missing.
A piece of the puzzle.
Then I think that's ok too.
 
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It's ok that the last week has been hard marriage wise.
That I've been stubborn.
That for the first time is about six years I dug in my heels.
That maybe I was a little too dramatic, a little too harsh, a little too me.
But it's not always my fault.
It's not always his fault.
And even though it's hard, it's ok.
Because at the end of the day, I still want to be here.
 
It's ok that I broke tonight as a momma.
That I had to face my actions as a mother.
It's ok that I didn't like myself at all.
Then I spoke with a friend that reminded me that I'm human.
I'm human before being a mom.
And that it's ok if I get frustrated and lose it a little.
Because I can always apologize and explain.
And while I did all that I'm still a little broke.
It's ok to be in this spot to reflect.
 
It's ok that I see so much of myself in Caitlin and it scares the crap out of me.
That she is very OCD, as I was as a child.  As I still am as an adult.
That she takes words in the literal sense.
That she has phobias I cannot calm or change.
It's ok to be frustrated and broken hearted about both.
It's going to be ok.
 
It's ok that I miss blogging.
The daily minutiae of it.
The tweets between bloggy friends.
The daily reading of my favorites.
The funny and food shots on Instagram.
I feel a little lost without the interaction.
And I feel a little strange about that.
But blogging and bloggy friends have become a huge part of my real life.
Writing in this spot almost daily was not just therapeutic, it was affirming.
Hitting publish is an accomplishment like no other.
And so without the daily interactions, the words as they flow from mind to keyboard,
I feel lost.
And it's ok, that many wouldn't understand.
That they would laugh and say that this world is made up.
Just some space on the Internet.
But it's more than that to me.
And if you are reading this, you are making it ok, to want more,
to write more, to be more.
I'm telling myself it's ok to feel this way.
 
It's ok that some weeks, pieces of your life's puzzle go missing.
Not for long, but just long enough.
Long enough for some tears, some reflection, some regrouping.
 
And if I keep telling myself it's ok, then maybe it will be.
 
 
 
Inspired by this linkup.
Its Ok Thursdays

8 comments:

  1. All of this is definitely okay! I love that, "I am a human before a mommy." I feel like that in a lot of situations. I am a human before employee of the month, I am a human before an A student. Life puts a lot of pressure on us to be the very best in everything. It's okay do just get by sometimes :) Sending prayers your way you sweet momma!

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  2. It's all okay! Nothing we do in life is ever going to be perfect, no matter how hard we try cause this is an imperfect word we live in. So all you can do is your best.
    Hang in there, you are doing fine!

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  3. Your last few posts have been a-ma-zing! Love the truthfulness of your heart! Keep being ok and keep sharing!
    Ashley:)

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  4. Beautifully-written. Beautifully-you. You inspired me today, my diamond-bright girl!

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  6. It most definitely will be. It always is, isn't it?
    I love you most.

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  7. It will be ok. I'm sure of it. Hang in there!

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  8. Def a-ok friend! Crazy you feel that way about Caitlin! I feel the same way about my Magpie. LOVE YOU!

    Kristine from The Foley Fam {unedited} Blog

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