Uggh! Seriously I ruined a perfectly good Saturday. And for what? Because I was totally ticked about something so small and really stupid? Because I totally took it personally? Seriously, I feel like a horrible mother!
Saturdays, the ones without Bulldog football, without birthday parties, events, or out of town guests, are John's favorite. They are a little piece of Daddyhood that he doesn't see on a regular basis. So there he was with Caitlin, making breakfast, letting me lie in bed, and I waltzed in and ruined it all...
Caitlin cut something of mine with scissors. Sounds stupid right? Even as I type this I know that I acted just like my own 4 year old with the tantrum I threw. What's worse is I'm the adult, I'm the mom, something I continually remind her of when she's crazycakes... Wow, nice example of how a "mom" is supposed to act... I'm the crazycakes now.
In that small moment, I was just so upset, mad, hurt, and furious, because it was mine. Something I had made, something that I made and took pride in, and now it was just shreds on the floor. And just for a moment I was mad because in all honesty I feel like nothing is sacred anymore. Nothing. My time is no longer mine, my mind, by body, is no longer mine. All of it, all of me, it seems, belongs to someone else... Are you catching my drift?
Motherhood is fantastic and frustrating. It's the total oxymoron of life. One minute it's a joy and the next it's in shreds on the floor. I knew what I was doing when I signed up for motherhood, but I had no idea how it would make me feel. My heart is continually bursting with love and regret, joy and guilt.
Some days I feel like this motherhood gig is gonna lick me... It's gonna push me over the edge... Keep swimming, I tell myself, but some days the surface looks far.
So while taking a deep breath I'm starting this Saturday over. With hot chocolate and oreos, because chocolate and cookies fix everything right? I'm breathing deeply and putting it behind me, and looking forward. To teach her that just because it's there doesn't make it hers. We have to respect each other and each others stuff. That's the best way to fix this right?
So you wonderfully, non yelling, happy Saturday parent people, tell me how to mind my temper. Tell me how to not take it personally. Let me borrow that manual that came with your lovely, perfectly mannered children when you brought them home... I have seemed to misplace mine, and I can't find my receipt or proof of purchase...