Saved By Grace

Ephesians 2:8-9
8 For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—

and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—
9 not by works, so that no one can boast.

This is the scripture that inspired this necklace by Agape Love Designs.

Saved By Grace
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As soon as I saw it, and read the scripture, I knew.  It immediately spoke to me.  I just knew it was meant to be.

I'm not a religious person, however I consider myself a Christian.  Technically I'm a Catholic.  We don't worship on Sundays, yet I pray every day, sometimes many times a day.  I'm inspired by people to have faith, not just in God, but in His path for us.  I'm learning to have faith in this journey He has put me on.

With that said, I've never had a scripture so heavy in my heart as this one.  Many of you know this story, but if you'd like the details you can find them here.  I'm connected to this scripture because, I was saved by grace, Miss Mackenzie Grace.

The decision to have Miss Mac was a hard one.  I would be lying if I said that back then I wanted a second child.  I absolutely do now, but back before I got pregnant I had MAJOR reservations.  I'm a very sick preggo, so I didn't want to do that again.  I was also afraid I would slip back into my fog of motherhood, like I did with my poor Caity.  Where I was so unsteady and unsure of what I was doing and who I was.  When we revisited adding to our family Caitlin was two and a half, and I was finally a confident momma.  I was doing what I knew was right for me and my child.  I no longer second guessed.  I no longer felt like a bad momma.  I like to say that at that point, I had finally hit my stride.

But I knew.  I knew the hubby really wanted another baby.  In a sense I did too, but I was so scared.  So I threw out the pills, and let God take over.  No, really those were my exact words, to my BF, "I'm putting it in God's hands.  If he wants me to get pregnant he will".  To which my BF replied, "well get ready".  A month later that stick had 2 pink lines.

Here is where God really did take over.  The day Miss Mac was born, I had a post partum hemorrhage.  I lost close to 2 pints of blood.  Four hours after she came into the world, I had to leave her with Dad for emergency surgery.  Here is what I remember about that morning.  I hadn't held my baby since she was handed to me,after labor, and all I wanted to do was kiss her, cuddle her, and tell her all the things she needed to know.  Just in case.  I felt like I couldn't tell my husband I loved him enough.  I couldn't tell my mom the same either.  Then I just wanted Caitlin.  To hug her and hold her and tell her it was going to be fine.  Even though I didn't know.

Me and Miss Mac.
All 4lbs 13oz of her
It was all very dramatic.  It's still dramatic now.  I'm crying right now, and laughing because I feel like a dork for crying.  I was so scared that day.  And I prayed that day.  Really hard.  For peace.  Mostly for healing.  Others prayed too, that's how I know, I was saved by their grace and His.

Now for the interesting part of this story.  I feel like my life, my mothering life, was truly saved by Miss Mackenzie Grace.  All of those moments I missed because I was in a PPD fog, I got with her.  The middle of the night cuddles, the loving gazes at each other, and the calm of a sleeping baby.  We did that.  She gave me a second chance to enjoy this journey from baby to toddler.  I was able to look at the most frustrating parts of this job, and find joy in them.  That is not something I did the first time around.  And it makes me so sad, but I'm grateful that I got the chance to do it again.

Mac's 1st Bday
She likes cake!
First smiles, first words, first time she tried to feed herself, I found joy.  I wasn't worried about the mess, or the time it took, or how I just wanted some sleep.  I've been able to reconnect with this mothering instinct I'm supposed to have.  Turns out, I've got it.  It just needed some time to develop.  A small push, perhaps.  I try not to think about the reservations I had.  My life is so different now.  I can't imagine not having this remarkable child in my life.  So different from her sister, yet such a perfect piece of this Crutchfield puzzle that is my life.  Sometimes I just look at her and think, I would have missed so much, without her.

Yeah, she's crazy funny like that!
Mac will be TWO next month, and on that day there will still be a little catch in my voice.  A little weight on my heart.  It's a weird mix of celebration and being thankful. I find that I celebrate her birthday for many reasons, but the biggest was my second chance.  A second chance at life, at love, and at being mommy.

Yes, this one is mine.
My Valentine's Day gift from the Hubbs.
My little reminder of grace,
who comes in all shapes and sizes.

Happy Blogging,

8 comments:

  1. Love the necklace! Your little girl is adorable. So glad to be saved by grace! =)

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  2. I was in the very same situation before I had our second child. It's nice to know I'm not the only one out there that had the same feelings! Like you, I wouldn't trade our second child for the world. Thanks for sharing your story!

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  3. This is a beautiful story. I hope & pray I can have that second chance too, as one who battles with just depression and had gone thru a really bad spell while pregnant & ppd. The "fog" really hit me hard, I never thought of that word before, but it describes that time in my life exactly. There are such "foggy" times that I really cannot remember big chunks of my pregnancy, except that I wasn't all that happy...and that makes me feel SO guilty. I wish I had enjoyed it more. I'm learning to forgive myself. Thank you for sharing your story, and sorry for babbling. =) The necklace is simple yet so powerful-the best kind!

    Steph
    http://barefootbusy.blogspot.com

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  4. Wow!
    What an INCREDIBLE story!!!!!
    Blessings to you sweet Mama,
    xo,
    Maggie

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  5. I appreciate you being able to share something so personal and talk about it on your blog. Sometimes I feel like blogs are falsely positive- never mentioning struggles or complaints. I appreciate your comments about PPD- I think it is alot more common than we realize and it is always comforting to know that someone else has experienced the same thing we have.

    new follower :)
    bonnie
    bonnielouisa.blogspot.com

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  6. This is a beautiful story, so honest and so real. So many of us have walked in these same shoes.

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  7. Saw your button over on Cassie's blog {new follower}... this story is just amazing. I don't know much about your history with your first baby, but it's encouraging to hear that it can be so different with your second! I only have one little girl right now, and while I'm looking forward to having more, I'm TERRIFIED of having to through the constant anxiety I had after giving birth last time again. But like you said, it's all in God's hands... :)

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  8. Oh Megs! Thank you for sharing your story! I'm crying right with you girl! :) You are one strong amazing Mama! XOXO Love ya!

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