Now many of you commented and thanks for that. But at the heart of it was just plain jealousy. Jealous of some one's success. I was equally mad and ashamed at the same time. That combo kept me awake all Sunday night.
I swore I wasn't going to be wrapped up in this part of blogging. The comparisons, the number of followers, the number of "like"s on a page... I tried really, really hard not to focus on that stuff, but in recent days, it's been on my mind. Something I've wanted. I did what so many other bloggers advise not to do... I compared myself. In my defense the comparison was on the same level. I'm no GussySews, Casey Wiegand, or LittleMissMomma. But the person I compared myself too, we are pretty much equals. And it just about killed me that they were cashing in, and I was trying to catch up...
The Green Eyed Monster got a hold of me and got a hold of me good.
I should not have taken it so personally. But I did. What's so great about them? What do they got that I don't?
So I had my Facebook Pity Party Hissy Fit... And then the BF called.
I knew it was her, and before I could even start to plead my case she said... "You wanna get right with this or what?"
So I told the story, and she listened, because that's what she does. And when I finished she asked me:
Why did you start blogging?
No, wait, think about it, why did you start blogging?
Tell me why.Then it hit me.
To get right with this mess, my world, my brand of mommyhood.
To feel accomplished.
To have something to call my own.
Then I remembered. I remembered that in the beginning it was all about the post. The writing and my lovely friends and family that would read it and praise the subject or the story. When the blog comments were nil, and my Facebook comments were few. The people who took the time to take a peek at my world. Those people who made my days.
Which made me think about all the private messages received after this post. The ones that made me cry. The ones that made me laugh. The ones that thanked me for making it OK. OK, that the kids watched 2 hours of Nick Jr, for a moment of sanity. OK, that Mac and Cheese 3 nights a week is sometimes the reality. OK, that wearing the same outfit to 3 different events is perfectly acceptable, since those are now our "dressy" clothes. Those readers who reinforced what I always knew. That I was not alone. That mothers like us are not alone.
Now I get comments from strangers. Many that have become awesome bloggy friends. Amazing bloggers who solidify that this was the best decision I have ever made for myself since becoming a mom.
It took a hissy fit and some blind jealousy to really appreciate what has been created here. Do I like the comments? Absolutely. Do I like the jump in followers recently? You bet. It's a great ego boost for sure, but they shouldn't make or break me. Truth is I didn't even start checking stats until August. Which was also the month I began participating link ups. If I take that into consideration, I have come a long way since August...
So I realized that it's not so much about the comments as it is the connection.
Just like this blog isn't about being followed it's about writing what's in my mind and heart.
I talk a lot about "owning it". Whatever your "it" may be. Well it's time I owned this.
My writing. My blog. Myself.
So I found myself. Again. And I'm enjoying it all over again.
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