DOD. The Diet of Death. Yeah, that's what I'm calling it. Thanks to my BF who comes up with the best nicknames for everything under the sun. Like she refers to Toms as winter flip flops which is truly what they are. So when I read her my NO FOODS list, she said, "So you're going on the Diet of Death". Uh, yeah. I am.
The Diet of Death or DOD if you will, sounds bad. It's not. Really. I just feel like it's really bad. I get the purpose of it. It's technical term is a Modified Elimination Diet or an MED. Maybe you've been on one before. This MED is to eliminate foods that are common allergens. To find out if I'm allergic to MORE foods. I say more, because I'm seriously allergic to everything that's worth eating. No joke. OK, joke. I eat chocolate and caffeine (for now). So that's good. I've done MEDs before. And I did them for a while, as in 6 months in 2002. This one is only for 10 days, but this one just might send me over the edge. I just might have to throw a hissy fit. This DOD is going to be brutal. Let's lay down the rules.
Here are the NOs
1. No Dairy
2. No Wheat
3. No Gluten
4. No Corn
5. No Peanuts or Peanut butter
6. No Strawberries or Citrus
7. NO EGGS
8. NO SUGAR
9. NO CAFFEINE
Let's being with items 1-6. Ok, 1-5 fine. Good riddance. I do that anyway, every day. And to you #6, strawberries are out of season, and I'm not a big fan of oranges. So, we're good here. No big. I haven't had any of those in the last 10 days currently. Awesome.
Now, lets talk 7, 8, and 9. Hello. Hello? HELL-OOOO? Seriously? These are my last vices/things available in my life that make me live. I'm not kidding. Ok, I'm kind of kidding, but seriously?
#7 No Eggs. To say that I eat eggs is like saying hens lay eggs. It happens every day. Like sometimes twice a day. I'm the only GFer in the house, so on days when I cook a meal for John and the kiddos that isn't GF, say like biscuit pizzas, I eat eggs for dinner. No big I like them. They are fast and easy, and they are so awesome in fact people call them the Incredible Edible Egg. This "NO EGGS" rule is going to be tough. Especially because I'm a big breakfast person. I've gotta start the day with a good breakfast. So now what? Any suggestions? Any thing without sugar, peanut butter, and wheat? No oatmeal either. Anyone?
#8 NO SUGAR. Not just white sugar either. All kinds of sugar you probably didn't even know existed. Brown rice sugar, molasses, agave, cane sugar. Go check the back of any GF/organic/I'm good for you product and you will find some kind of sugar alternative that is also a no-no on this list. I can have honey and stevia. The real kicker here... NO SODA. I don't drink that much anyway, but when we get to #9, you are gonna realize the type of pain I'm going to endure.
#9 NO CAFFEINE. I. Don't. Have. Words. Seriously? If you've been reading AbsoluteMommy, then you know my day is not complete without Tea. Iced tea. Brewed at home or from my legal dealer Starbucks. It's my last vice. My. Last. Vice. Since college I've give up cigarettes, bread, and alcohol. Some by choice, some because I had to (hear that bread!). Tea, mind you caffeine, is it for me. I'm addicted. I admit it.
So #9, you are a b#*ch and I hate you!
When I went off caffeine a few weeks ago for blood work, I was so delusional from lack of caffeine that I was literally talking and cursing all other beverages in my possession. "Oh sure, you have a great rep for being healthy and good for me, Mr. H20, but you suck. You are tasteless and boring and I hate you". "Hello Miss Grape juice you are a big fake. You look like red wine but you taste awful. How dare you trick me! Gross".
See, it's about to get cray-cray over here.
I know what you're thinking. Get a grip lady, it's only 10 days. You're right, but this is how I deal with things I don't want to do. I get catty and blog about it. It's just that #7-9 are still the things I enjoy about food. I don't really enjoy food anymore. I don't think I ever have. Eating is just eating. It's so I won't pass out or turn into a crab-apple. Most things that actually taste good make me sick.
Eating for me is like wading in a pool of anxiety. Will this make me sick? How long before it makes me sick? Should I even attempt to eat it? Forget going out! Every time I do I have an internal debate about what to order, should I order, how long will it take to get the check, how many stalls are in the bathroom. Catch my drift?
My relationship with food is terrible and sometimes toxic. Letting go of 7-9 is going to be hard, because they are my soldiers, my friends, that have been there to see me through. I know, I know. It's only 10 days lady get a grip!
Bright side, it's only 10 days. I may discover new foods, like almond butter and coconut milk, both on the YES list. I will be forced to make healthy vegetable and fruit filled dinners, so finally my kids will eat off the food pyramid and not off a fast food menu.
I'll be starting this on Saturday. As in 7 days. Don't worry, you are going to hear all about it! Until then, please email, message, comment here with any recipes, suggestions, perhaps herbal teas I might like that are caffeine and citrus free. I'm going to try to stay positive. This is going to help me. This is going to make me better. This is going to get me some answers.
That's worth no caffeine for 10 days right?
Is it completely dramatic and over the top to throw a farewell party at Starbucks?